Matilda (1996)

Rhea Perlman: Mrs. Wormwood

Photos 

Quotes 

• [asked to sign Matilda's adoption papers] 

  Zinnia Wormwood : You're the only daughter I ever had, Matilda. And I never understood you, not one little bit... Who's got a pen?

• Narrator : Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse.

  [Harry takes his first look at Matilda, grunts, and leaves] 

  Narrator : Most parents believe their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach.

  [Harry and Zinnia are leaving the hospital with the baby] 

  Harry Wormwood : What a waste of time!

  Zinnia Wormwood : And painful!

  Harry Wormwood : And expensive, $9.25 for a bar of soap?

  Zinnia Wormwood : Well I had to take a shower, Harry!

  Harry Wormwood : $5,000? I'm not paying it. What're they going to do, repossess the kid?

• Matilda : I love it here! I love my school... it isn't fair! Miss Honey, please don't let them...

  Harry Wormwood : [interrupting]  Get in the car, Melinda!

  Matilda : Matilda!

  Harry Wormwood : Whatever.

  Matilda : I want to stay with Miss Honey.

  Zinnia Wormwood : Miss Honey doesn't want you. Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid?

  Jenny : Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child and I love her.

  Matilda : Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me.

  Harry Wormwood : Look, I don't have time for all these legalities!

  Matilda : One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers.

  Zinnia Wormwood : What? Where did you get those?

  Matilda : From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox.

• Zinnia Wormwood : [Matilda comes home from school, excitedly. Zinnia's on the phone, talking about her kids]  Mine are driving me crazy. I'll tell ya, six hours a day of school IS NOT enough.

  Matilda : [walking out of the room excitedly]  I'll say!

• Zinnia Wormwood : Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books - I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband... and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha, ha...

  Harry Wormwood : College?

  [scoffs] 

  Harry Wormwood : I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Bunch of hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha...

  Jenny : [insulted]  Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate.

  Harry Wormwood : Yeah...

  Jenny : Or - or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended you would have gone to college, too.

  Harry Wormwood : What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to?

  Jenny : N-nobody.

  [sighs] 

  Jenny : I can see we're not going to agree, are we?

• Harry Wormwood : Any packages come today?

  Matilda : Mm-mm.

  Harry Wormwood : [noticing her books]  Where'd all this come from?

  Matilda : The library.

  Harry Wormwood : The library? You've never set foot in a library. You're only four years old.

  Matilda : Six-and-a-half.

  Harry Wormwood : You're four!

  Matilda : Six-and-a-half!

  Harry Wormwood : If you were six-and-a-half, you'd be in school already.

  Matilda : I want to be in school. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. You wouldn't listen.

  Harry Wormwood : Get up, get up, get out of here, give me that book.

  [He drags Matilda, throwing the book aside, to where Zinnia is] 

  Harry Wormwood : Dearest pie, how old is Matilda?

  Zinnia Wormwood : Four.

  Matilda : I'm six-and-a-half, mommy!

  Zinnia Wormwood : Five, then!

  Matilda : I was six in August.

  Harry Wormwood : You're a liar.

  Matilda : I want to go to school.

  Harry Wormwood : School? It's out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? We can't leave valuable packages sitting out on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid.

  [Matilda leaves] 

  Zinnia Wormwood : You know, sometimes I think there's something wrong with that girl.

  Harry Wormwood : Hmph, tell me about it.

• Zinnia Wormwood : [cutting off Harry's hat with scissors]  I still don't see how you glued your hat on, Harry. I mean, I know you say you didn't, but obviously, you did.

  Harry Wormwood : I did *not* glue my hat to my head! The hat shrunk! The fibers fused to my hair!

• [Harry has ordered out of the house the FBI agents, whom Zinnia had just been talking to] 

  Zinnia Wormwood : You don't let me talk to people! I live in a cage, Harry! I need to talk to SOMEBODY besides our stupid kids!

  Harry Wormwood : Oh, yeah? Well, a man is entitled to come home and find dinner on the table, without having to wait for a convention of male strippers!

• Mrs. Wormwood : [while putting baby Matilda in the sink to rinse away spinach]  Babies! You're better off raising tomatoes.

• Michael : Give me the cookies.

  Zinnia Wormwood : [hands Michael the cookies]  Here.

  Harry Wormwood : [Harry walks down to the kitchen, unaware that his hair has just turned an unhealthy platinum blonde]  Okay, my boy, heir to the throne, today we diddle the customer.

  Michael : [Michael's mouth drops open in shock upon seeing Harry's hair] 

  Harry Wormwood : What's wrong with you? What are you looking at?

  Harry Wormwood : [to Zinnia]  Lovekins, where's my breakfast?

  Zinnia Wormwood : [picks up two bowls of cereal]  Here we are, my heartstrings!

  Zinnia Wormwood : [turns and sees Harry's hair]  AAAIIGHHH!

  Zinnia Wormwood : [tosses the cereal in the air]  Snickerdoodle, what did you do to your hair?

  Harry Wormwood : [suspiciously]  My hair?

  Harry Wormwood : [walks into the dining room and looks in the mirror]  AAAAAAAHHHH!

• Mr. Wormwood : I'm great! I'm incredible! Michael, pencil and paper, in the kitchen.

  Mrs. Wormwood : Did we sell some cars today, honeydew?

  Mr. Wormwood : [grins]  Did we!

  [kisses her] 

  Mrs. Wormwood : Does that mean I can get that new TV?

  Mr. Wormwood : Yeah.

  [turns to Michael] 

  Mr. Wormwood : Son, one day, you're gonna have to earn your own living. It's time you learned the family business. Sit down. Write this down. All right. The first car your brilliant father sold cost $320. I sold it for $1,158. The second one cost $512. I sold it for $2,269.

  Michael : Wait, Dad, you're going too fast.

  Mr. Wormwood : Just write. The 3rd cost $68. I sold it for $999. And the 4th cost $1,100. I sold it for $7,839 big American boffo's.

  Mrs. Wormwood : Oh, Harry!

  [kisses him] 

  Mr. Wormwood : [turns to Michael]  What was my profit for the day?

  Michael : Could you repeat the last one?

• Mrs. Wormwood : [as the TV explodes, due to Matilda's powers]  AAHHH! AAAHH! AAAHH! AAAHH! AAAAAHHHHH!

  Matilda : [as Harry switches on Matilda's lamp]  I didn't do it.

  Mr. Wormwood : Of course you didn't do it, you little twit!

  Mrs. Wormwood : I told you that was a cheap set.

  Mr. Wormwood : It's not a cheap set, it's a stolen set!

  [destroyed set fizzled a little more] 

  Mr. Wormwood : Whoa!

  Mr. Wormwood : [to Michael]  Put your light on.

  Michael : [switches on his lamp]  Bummer.

  Narrator : Was it magic? Or just a coincidence? She didn't know. It is said that we humans use only a tiny portion of our brains. Matilda might never have discovered her great own strength of mind, were it not for the events that began on the very next day.

• Zinnia Wormwood : He came home with $2,000 cash and he threw it up in the air. We swam in it like we were on "The Million Dollar Sticky"!

  [to Bill] 

  Zinnia Wormwood : Do you like that show?

  FBI Agent Bill : I love that show.

  Zinnia Wormwood : That was the old days. Now he has money in banks all over the planet. But does he give me a dime?