Multiplicity (1996)

Michael Keaton: Doug Kinney

Photos 

Quotes 

• Doug Kinney #4 : [after having sex with Doug #1's wife]  She touched my peppy, Steve.

• Doug Kinney #3 : You know how when you make a copy of a copy, it's not as sharp as... well... the original.

• Doug Kinney #4 : [to Doug Kinney]  Hey Steve, did ya bring me any pizza Steve?

• Doug Kinney #4 : Did you bring me a monkey?

• Doug Kinney : [Doug #2 and Doug #3 have made another clone without Doug's knowledge. He counts them]  One. Two. Three...

  [Points at the new clone] 

  Doug Kinney : Four...

  Doug Kinney #4 : Twelve!

• Doug Kinney #1 : [to #2]  I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill him!

  [Points at #3] 

• Doug Kinney #1 : Hey, I'm gonna buy you a present for this.

  Doug Kinney #4 : A chainsaw?

  Doug Kinney #1 : Or a - a book

• Doug Kinney #2 : My life's in shambles. I need pie.

• Dr. Leeds : 15 Years ago, I cloned an earthworm.

  Doug Kinney : Well, God bless you, sir.

• Doug Kinney #1 : No clone nookie.

  Doug Kinney #3 : You're the man, Doug.

  Doug Kinney #2 : Great idea.

  Doug Kinney #1 : Original nookie only!

• [Doug's rule for his clones] 

  Doug Kinney : Listen to me. This is the number one rule. Okay? This is unbreakable. You can't even try to bend this rule, all right? Nobody. *Nobody* has sex with my wife but me.

• Doug Kinney #4 : [Doug #2 is laying in bed with the flu and Doug #3 has left him alone with Doug #4]  Sorry Steve...

  [Doug #2 looks up and sees Doug #4 standing at the foot of his bed with a rubber boot over his head and moves a wood saw back and forth in the air in a sawing motion] 

  Doug Kinney #4 : That leg's gonna have to come off.

• Doug Kinney : As long as we're both rowing the same boat we'll be fine.

• Doug Kinney : Hon, let's sail to Catalina.

  Laura Kinney : What?

  Doug Kinney : Come on, it'll be great. We'll sail right into the harbor at sunset. We'll bring some wine, we'll make love right on the boat. It'll be great.

  Laura Kinney : Doug, you don't sail.

  Doug Kinney : But I drink and make love. The sailing thing, you know, I can figure that out. How hard can it be?

• Doug Kinney #3 : [in the kitchen, #3 takes over from Laura, obsessing over how to wrap up leftover meatloaf]  Honey, may I do that? Do you mind?

  Laura Kinney : This?

  Doug Kinney #3 : Yeah. I just wanna show you something. See. First of all, this piece of aluminum foil is too small. See? It can't cover it all. What's gonna happen? Air's going to get in there and then you get that little hard crust around the meat. It gets real brown and dark and nobody wants to eat that. So, I'm gonna fold this up and I'm gonna save this. Because we can use it later. Or, Christmastime comes around, we might make ourselves a nice ornament outta that or something. That's what I like to do. And by the way, save those fries. 'Cause I'm thinking of stringing them, and we'll paint them up or something, we'll just string them around the tree. Christmas time. Kids are gonna love that. Okay, now. Here, look here. Okay, we'll take a new, fresh piece. Okay? Okay. Now I'm gonna fold it up on one side, like that. Make sure we're even. And then I fold once. I fold twice or three times - whatever you need to fold it. But I don't like to roll it. Sometimes people just roll it over, but I don't like that because then you get that lump right across the center, it rolls around in the fridge and everything. I like to fold it down so it's nice and flat, and no air gets in there. Because what? Air's our enemy, isn't it? And then - then take this. Tuck, tuck, fold. T.T.F. Tuck, tuck, fold. Two tucks and a fold. I just think of Elizabeth Taylor. Then I was remembering tuck here, fold there, you know, makes it simple. Okay, now roll it over, nice and flat. There we go. We got it. No air is gonna get in there. Okay. We could send this little guy off to NASA and nothing would happen. Look here. Okay, now put the lid on, burp. There you go and there you are.

  Laura Kinney : That's very nice. It's very nice.

• Doug Kinney #1 : I don't believe this. I leave you guys alone for one day. One day! And you totally destroy my life.

  Doug Kinney #2 : We didn't destroy your life, slick. You did.

• Doug Kinney #4 : [to Doug Kinney #1]  Hi Steve!

• Doug Kinney #4 : We're gonna eat a dolphin!

  Doug Kinney #2 : Hey! Lenny. You're not gonna eat a dolphin pal, you're gonna pet one.

• Laura Kinney : I feel like I don't know you anymore. And it scares me, Doug. You know, you go along, day after day, and you tell yourself that your problems aren't serious. They're normal. You know, they - they happen to everyone. Or you hope that they'll just go away by themselves, but they don't. It's like this house. You always said you would fix it up. No matter what it was, "I'll fix it," you said. But nothing ever gets fixed. Doug. I need to know what you're feeling. I need to know if you still love me. Doug, please just - tell me what you want.

  Doug Kinney #4 : I want pizza.

  Laura Kinney : What?

  Doug Kinney #4 : I want pizza. Give me some pizza.

• Doug Kinney : [on Walt's yacht]  When I was down there with my head in the head... My whole life actually flashed before my eyes. The funny part is... I wasn't in it. I've got to get back into my life.

  Walt : I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. But good luck to you.

• Doug Kinney #1 : What were you doing in bed with Laura?

  Doug Kinney #2 : What?

  Doug Kinney #3 : Nothing. Doug. We were watching TV. And Laura said she was sleepy and wanted to go to bed. So, what was I gonna say? I'm gonna go over and sleep in the garage?

  Doug Kinney #1 : Whoa, whoa, wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you mean, "She wanted to go to bed?" What do you mean?

  Doug Kinney #3 : What do you mean, what do I mean? I just...

  Doug Kinney #1 : You know what I mean.

  Doug Kinney #2 : What do you mean?

  Doug Kinney #1 : Did you have sex with my wife?

  Doug Kinney #2 : Whoa!

  Doug Kinney #3 : No, no! Douglas, No! I certainly did not. Look, here was the plan I thought, well, we'll go to bed together - which we did - and when she'd fall asleep, I'd sneak out. But I guess I dozed off. And nothing happened.

  Doug Kinney #1 : Nothing happened?

  Doug Kinney #3 : That's it! She did, I think, roll over and kind of brushed me in that general region.

  Doug Kinney #1 : Brushed you!

  Doug Kinney #3 : I mamboed out of there, Doug. I did.

  Doug Kinney #1 : What do you mean brushed you in the general region? She shouldn't even be in the neighborhood!

• Laura Kinney : Want some?

  [licking chocolate off a spoon] 

  Doug Kinney #2 : Yuuuuup. Yup!

  [Doug #2 licks the spoon, Laura kisses him] 

  Laura Kinney : Mmm. You taste good.

  Doug Kinney #2 : You taste pretty good yourself.

  Laura Kinney : [licks her lips, kisses Doug #2]  Mmm, remember when we used to make love all over the house?

• Laura Kinney : [after making love to Doug #3, after an earlier session with Doug #2]  Phew! That was athletic. It's better than the StairMaster.

  Doug Kinney #2 : Yeah, well, I guess I got a little carried away.

• Doug Kinney : That wasn't me.

  Laura Kinney : That's just the point. You've been acting like a lunatic lately.

  Doug Kinney : Listen, I - I just got a little confused about who I was. That's all. All right, I got real confused about who I was.

• Doug Kinney : I've been working since I was twelve; it's break time.

• Doug Kinney : Hi. Do you mind if we sit with you?

  Woman in Restaurant : Have we met?

  Doug Kinney : No.

• Doug Kinney #4 : I like pizza. I *like* it!

  Doug Kinney : [Doug is upset and walks out]  We're gonna need a cage.

  Doug Kinney #4 : Bye, Steve! I like Steve.

• Doug Kinney #1 : Hey, look, I'm gonna make this up to you. I promise.

  Doug Kinney #2 : You could start by cloning Laura.

  Doug Kinney #1 : [sarcastically]  Yeah.

  Doug Kinney #3 : Yeah, you could start by cloning Laura. Can you imagine?

• Doug Kinney #1 : [to his children, Zack and Jennifer who are fighting]  You're both doodie-heads! Go up to your rooms and don't come out until you're married!

• Doug Kinney #2 : Wherever the road takes us

• Doug Kinney : I'm sorry. I totally forgot. My fault. Was she upset?

  Laura Kinney : Of course. Every other father was there. Including the divorced ones.

  Doug Kinney : What about the lesbian moms?

  Laura Kinney : Both of them.

• Doug Kinney : My whole life's an emergency.

• Doug Kinney : Frank! My fax machine's gone psycho again.

• Laura Kinney : You missed Campfire Girls.

  Doug Kinney : Honey, I'm not in Campfire Girls. I'm a Brownie.

• Doug Kinney : Hey, this is stupid. Look, here's all we need. We just need to get a schedule. We'll be okay.

  Laura Kinney : We don't need a schedule. We need a miracle.

• Laura Kinney : And you trust him?

  Doug Kinney : Oh, yeah. Yeah, I trust him. I trust him like I trust myself, really.

• Laura Kinney : Oh, Doug.

  [puts her arms around Doug] 

  Laura Kinney : Let's get the kids to bed early tonight.

  Doug Kinney : What time is it now?

  Laura Kinney : Uh, 6:15.

  Doug Kinney : Kids, bedtime!

  [kisses] 

• Doug Kinney : You Xerox people.

  Dr. Leeds : In a way.

  Dr. Leeds #2 : Sort of.

• Dr. Leeds : I can help you.

  Doug Kinney : Help me how?

  Dr. Leeds : Change your life.

  Doug Kinney : What is it that you guys do around here?

  Dr. Leeds : We make miracles.

• Doug Kinney : You're fired. Take your New York watch and your fat L.A. ass - and get out of here.

• Doug Kinney : Laura, this just isn't working out.

  Laura Kinney : What?

  Doug Kinney : This new arrangement, you know. I'm not getting anything done. I'm not getting any work done. And all I do is, you know, I cook and I do laundry, you know. And I pick up the kids and drop off the kids, I dress the kids and undress the kids and I clean up after them.

  Laura Kinney : I've been doing that for ten years. You've been doing it for a month.

  Doug Kinney : Yeah, I know, but, you know, it comes more naturally to you.

  Laura Kinney : How so?

  Doug Kinney : Hon, you're a nurturer, you know. You are. And first of all, you got the two X-chromosomes, and I have a couple of - I don't know what I have - but it's scientifically proven. Honey, that's why you have breasts. You know, I don't. I mean, look at me. I got nothing.

• Noreen : I always assumed you were a happily married guy.

  Doug Kinney #2 : I've been sleeping in the guest house for a month.

  Noreen : Oh, my God. Is it that bad?

  Doug Kinney #2 : It's pretty bad. She's sleeping with another guy. And that is that is the God's honest truth. It's over. I mean, she doesn't even know I exist.

• Jennifer Kinney : Doodyhead!

  Zack Kinney : You're a doodyhead.

  Jennifer Kinney : Doodyhead!

  Zack Kinney : Doodyhead!

  Jennifer Kinney : Doodyhead!

  Zack Kinney : Doodyhead!

  Doug Kinney : Hey, hey, hey! You're both doodyheads.

• Laura Kinney : [naked, in bed, afterglow]  That was so - unusual. I've never seen you cry like that before.

  Doug Kinney #3 : No. You know, that one time when the soufflé fell...

• Laura Kinney : God, Doug, you're driving me crazy! I call the office and you bite my head off. Other times you're as sweet as can be. And then one minute you're obsessing about every little detail. And then the next you seem so completely out of it, like you don't even know what I'm talking about. What is going on with you?

  Doug Kinney : Nothing. Nothing's wrong with me. Absolutely nothing's wrong with me.

  Laura Kinney : Oh, my God, Doug. You could have bipolar disorder or multiple personalities.

• Doug Kinney #1 : You can't just go around cloning people. That's just - that's crazy! Oh, man. Oh, man. All right. Listen up. Listen really clearly to me. Rule number two. First of all, we all remember rule number one.

  Doug Kinney #2 , Doug Kinney #3 : No sleeping with your wife.

  Doug Kinney #2 : Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  Doug Kinney #3 : It's in here.

  [points to his head] 

  Doug Kinney #3 : I got it.

  Doug Kinney #1 : All right, all right. That's important. Rule number two: No more Dougs. That's it!

  Doug Kinney #3 : All right, all right. This is plenty, I think.

  Doug Kinney #1 : I'm gonna call Leeds first thing in the morning. We're out of the Doug-making business altogether!

• Doug Kinney #1 : Where did you meet those bimbs, anyway?

  Doug Kinney #2 : They're the microwave girls down at the AM-PM Minimart.

  Doug Kinney #3 : Yeah, they work down at the - the store. They're clerks.

  Doug Kinney #1 : Well, I guess, the Slurpee girls were busy, I guess.

  Doug Kinney #2 : Look, I stopped down to pick up my dinner. Like I always do. She offered to, uh, you know, nuke my corn dog. What am I gonna say, no?

• Laura Kinney : You're drenched! Oh, honey, I am so sorry. Come upstairs. I don't know what I was thinking, sending you out in the rain without you feeling good? Oh, sweetie, you're soaking. Come on and get out of those wet clothes. Oh, my goodness, you're just - oh - wet. Let me dry you off. I'm so sorry. I was so, so selfish. Let me help you with those pants.

  [disrobes Doug #4] 

  Laura Kinney : Wow! Again?

  [smiles] 

  Laura Kinney : Well, Doug...

  Doug Kinney #4 : My peppy.

  Laura Kinney : I see. Oh.

  [kiss] 

  Laura Kinney : Okay.

• Doug Kinney #3 : Well, so much for rule number one.

• Doug Kinney #1 : Do you think she - she liked you, you know, more than she likes me?

  Doug Kinney #3 : Of course not, Doug. First of all, Doug, you are me. I am you. Do you understand?

  Doug Kinney #1 : Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, sure, you know, I'm me, you're me and I'm you. Yeah, you're me.

• Doug Kinney #2 : Whoa, what about rule number one?

  Doug Kinney #4 : Yeah what about rule number ONE... . Steve?

  [#4 looks at #2] 

  Doug Kinney #4 : What's rule number one?... .

• Doug Kinney #2 : Whoa, what about rule number one?

  Doug Kinney #4 : Yeah what about rule number ONE... . Steve?

  [looks at #2] 

  Doug Kinney #4 : What's rule number one?