The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996)

Janeane Garofalo: Abby

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Abby Barnes : If I was a guy, I think women would, like, line up to go out with me. I'm smart. I have a good sense of humor. I make a great living.

  Noelle : I'd fuck you.

  Dr. Abby Barnes : Thank you, honey. I know you would.

• Noelle : You and I combined make the perfect woman

  Dr. Abby Barnes : No. You and I combined make the perfect political prisoner. What we really do well is act self-righteous and starve.

• Noelle : Besides, he has this small personal habit that just drives me crazy.

  Abby : What's that?

  Noelle : He loves *you*.

• Abby : I have to tell you something.

  Brian : What?

  Abby : The other night on the phone...I'm pregnant.

  Brian : Oh darling...are you sure it was me?

  Abby : I don't know. I made a lot of phone calls that night.

• Dr. Abby Barnes : [to a radio caller:]  Dogs don't like to be left alone. It's not like, when you leave, he goes, "Great, time to finish writing my novel!" No, when their humans leave, dogs get depressed, and they show it.

• Abby : Did you call me?

  Roy : What?

  Abby : I heard dumb bitch. I assumed you were talking to me.

  Roy : I was talking to her.

  Abby : Your name is dumb bitch TOO? No wonder I keep getting all of your mail! You know, we could be related. There are a lot of us dumb bitches here in LA.

• Abby : We can love our pets, we just can't LOVE our pets.

• Cosmetics Saleslady : We also have this new face cream which neutralizes the free radicals that attack the skin. Let me ask you: what's your skin regime?

  Dr. Abby Barnes : My regime? The regime from which the radicals are trying to get free? Are we selling face cream or staging a coup?

• Dr. Abby Barnes : How's it going?

  Brian : Yeah, well, he snores, which was a problem, um, but we solved it.

  Dr. Abby Barnes : How'd you do that?

  Brian : Well, he slept on my face and I couldn't hear him any more.

• Noelle : What's wrong, Abby?

  Dr. Abby Barnes : Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of.

• [over the phone] 

  Dr. Abby Barnes : Say something.

  Brian : I want to make love to you.

  Dr. Abby Barnes : Never on the first phone call.

• Noelle : Disappointment doesn't kill.

  Dr. Abby Barnes : Right... rejection kills. Disappointment only maims.

• Dr. Abby Barnes : If you were trapped in Biosphere 2 for three years, who would you bring: Time Magazine's Woman of the Year or Playboy's Playmate of the Year?

• Abby : You forgot to say I love you because you're beautiful.

  Brian : No, I didn't. I mean, she is. But that's not why I love her.

• Brian : You're dumb and beautiful, and you're smart and - I gotta go.

  Dr. Abby Barnes : Brian! Oh.

• Noelle : What is this? Is this cat hair?

  Dr. Abby Barnes : I'm shedding. I'm extremely nervous.

• Abby : What are we discussing?

  Brian : Well there's the issue of Hank, who's in a terrible state without you.

• Abby : OK. So say you meet one of these no sparks women, and you really take the time to get to know her and then you become intellectually stimulated by her. You just really enjoy her personality, thereby igniting all your lust and passion. Have you ever thought about that?

  Brian : Are you going to eat that?

• Noelle : Maybe it was all the cake he fed me.

  Dr. Abby Barnes : What is that, the twinkie defense?

• [contemplating how to reveal Abby's true identity to Brian] 

  Noelle : Is your show on today?

  Dr. Abby Barnes : Yeah.

  Noelle : I'll go to his house and I'll turn on the radio.

  Dr. Abby Barnes : And?

  Noelle : Have you ever noticed how Superman and Clark Kent are never in the same room at the same time?

• Brian : Who are you? What is this? Is this some kind of weird game you two play for kicks, you take some guy and see how much you can screw him up!

  Abby : No, it was a mistake.

• Brian : [Speaking to a nervous Abby]  Now, should I get down on all fours and then gently apply pressure to the tips of your ears?

  Abby : I won't bite you.

• Dr. Abby Barnes : You burp and guys think its adorable. You puke and they line up to hold your hair back.