- [the Garbage Man uses reanimation liquid to bring Ben Franklin back to life]
- Garbage Man: It says it removes carpet stains too, but I have my doubts.
- Dogbert: I'll bet you twenty bucks that giving doesn't feel good.
- Dilbert: You're on my cynical friend.
- Dogbert: To settle the bet, give me forty dollars and see if it feels good.
- Dilbert: That would NOT feel good.
- Dogbert: Then give me twenty dollars because you lost the bet.
- Dilbert: Did I just make a bet where I would lose twenty dollars either way?
- Pointy-Haired Boss: They say no man faces death wishing he'd spent more time at the office... I guess that makes me the first.
- [In a traffic jam]
- Dilbert: Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time? Who arbitrarily decided that 8 AM was a good time for everyone to go to work?
- [clipping his toenails over a desk drawer that's filled with nail clippings]
- Pointy-Haired Boss: Uh-oh, it's almost full. I need a new desk.
- Bob Bastard: Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?
- Panelist on talk show: I have a poison-dart gun, you won't know what hit you.
- Pointy-Haired Boss: I don't see anything that could stand in our way.
- Dilbert: Sanity? Reality? The laws of physics?
- Seven of Nine alarm clock: (beep) Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day.
- Alice: Man, she must've blown some smoke up your butt. Did she use a giant fan or just some kind of hose?
- Dilbert: There's nothing wrong with my verbal skills. It only seems that way because my math skills are so high.
- Voicemail system: (phone beeps) You have 937 messages... all of which are marked "urgent".
- Elbonian Slavedriver: Get to work, you lazy corpse!
- Bear on talk show: Does anybody care that I'm a bear?
- Pointy-Haired Boss: Dillbert! Are you listening?
- Dilbert: Of course I am. I've learned how to multi-task.
- Loud Howard: But men can't multi-task. Only women can multi-task.
- Dilbert: [after witnessing Elbonian workers falling into an acid vat] Shouldn't there be a guard rail around that?
- Elbonian Slavedriver: [laughing] That's a good one.
- Seven of Nine alarm clock: [as Dilbert reaches over to hit the snooze button] Don't touch me!
- Dilbert: Then how do I turn you off?
- Seven of Nine alarm clock: I am PLENTY turned off right now!
- Dilbert: Clock tease.
- Alice: I want you to make Asok my assistant.
- Catbert: If I made Asok your assistant, it would destroy his tiny ego.
- Alice: So you'll do it?
- Catbert: I need more than that. Help me help you.
- Alice: All right, let's see... it would breed resentment through the entire employee population?
- Catbert: Uh-huh... nice... you make a strong case...
- Alice: Are you thinking?
- Catbert: No, I'm toying with you. Alright, I'll do it... on one condition.
- Alice: Name it.
- Catbert: I have to be there to hear him scream when you tell him.
- Alice: Deal!
- Reporter: What is your opinion of this tragedy?
- Anthrax Zombie: My throat is moist, and the raspiness has gone!
- [Dies]
- Reporter: Back to you!
- CEO: This is bad publicity and I demand to know what you intend to do about it!
- Promoter: Don't believe everything you've heard from every media outlet.
- [Opens a box of Anthrax Throat Lozenges]
- Promoter: Try one! Worth a shot...