The Pest (1997)

John Leguizamo: Pest

Photos 

Quotes 

• Pest : So, you started a few wars. a-ite? Okay, you actually you started every war, but I mean who's counting; it's not like you ever won one, right?

  [laughs and pulls Leo's pants down] 

  Leo : Ve kicked France's ass.

  Pest : Oh please, like who hasn't?

• Pest : So... uh... what was your snake's name?

  Himmel : Cocteau.

  Pest : [nervously]  Coc-teau? Like the French playwright?

  Himmel : Nein... After my two favorite body parts.

• Pest : Later, masturbator.

• Angus : Do you know what today is?

  Pest : The first day of the rest of our lives?

  Angus : No.

  Pest : Sean Connery's birthday?

  Angus : Sean Connery's birthday?

  Bagpipe Player : SEAN CONNERY'S BIRTHDAY?

  [Band plays "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow"] 

• Pest : "The United States of... Germany." Wow, somebody's a sore loser.

• Pest : Love, peace and chicken grease.

• Pest : Of course I farted. What, you think I smell like this all the time?

• Angus : Today is Monday. I want all the money you owe me by Wednesday or I'm going to kill your whole family.

  Pest : How 'bout Thursday and you just take out a cousin?

• Pest : Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the slickest of them all? It's the schemin'est, keenest scam artist. GOD, IT'S SO HARD TO BE MODEST.

• [Pest and Angus speak over telephone] 

  Angus : You'd show more respect if we were the Italian mob.

  Pest : Oh, please. Don't start that again.

  Angus : Just because we're Scottish people don't take us seriously

  [Pest burps into mouthpiece] 

• [Pest works at a Chinese restaurant, disguised as Chinese] 

  Mr. Cheung : [In heavy Chinese accent]  How come I don't undastand any of your Chinese?

  Pest : [In just as thick an accent]  I from Souff! Is a diffwent diawect!

  Mr. Cheung : Oh really? Well, I'm from Souff too!

  Pest : [pause]  Well, I from FAR, FAR, FAR, far Souff!

• Puerto Rican Boy : If you're blind, how did you know that I was a man?

  Pest : I could hear your gonads shaking.

• [after his crotch caught on fire] 

  Pest : Fear not. The Pest line shall continue. My childrens have been savededed.

• [after he pees his pants from fright] 

  Pest : I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the newspaper.

• Pest : ...I hope you get violated by pig monkey men in the woods.

• Pest : Excuse me, but - ahh. Why do I gotta look like something out of "Jungle Book" and you guys all get the nice Banana Republic stuff?

• Xantha : Anything you have to say to me... you can say it in front of Malaria.

  Pest : Anything?

  Xantha : Anything.

  Pest : Alright. Malaria's got mossy teeth, dandruff, and a fat butt!

  Xantha : PEST!

  Malaria : These jeans make me look fat!

  Pest : Ah no, Malaria, your fat butt makes you look fat!

• Pest : O MY GOD. Quacky. Quacky. What have they dided to you?

  [Pretends to cry] 

  Pest : Which one is he?

• [singing] 

  Pest : I'm "ridiculiculous." Like a booger I stick to this.

• [Pest and Chubbs enter an armory] 

  Pest : Be all you can be!

  Chubbs : Yeah, don't ask, don't tell.

  Pest : ...What's that supposed to mean?

  Chubbs : Oh, nothin'.

  Pest : Just checkin...

• [after tumbling down a steep hill and banging his head against a rock] 

  Pest : Aaahhh, now I'm nice and limber!

• Himmel : Don't flatter me.

  Pest : OK, your feet stink, your nose is point and your mother dresses you funny!

• Angus : Why don't you do that impression I like so much?

  Pest : Oh, come on, I don't want to. You know the Italians never made me do impressions.

  Angus : Do it.

  Pest : [imitates Scotty from Star Trek]  Captain, I cannot do it. The dilithium crystals are breaking up. She's gonna blow.

• Pest : [talking to himself while defecating in the forest]  Whether 'tis nobler in the mind...

  [farts] 

  Pest : ...to suffer the slings and arrows...

  [farts again] 

  Pest : ...of outrageous fortune...

  [farts again] 

• [singing] 

  Pest : I'm in the mood to scam, simply because I can.

• [after Gustav wasted his tranquilzers on Xantha's family and his son, missing Pest] 

  Pest : You can't hit me! You can't hit me! You're a big sucker-butt! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! I can't believe you're German! Ha ha h...

  [Gustav hits him with the gun handle] 

• Pest : [Flatulence]  One stinky dinky, Ah ha ha!

  [Flatulence] 

  Pest : Two stinky dinky,

  [Extended Flatulence] 

  Pest : Ah ha ha!