Simon Birch (1998)

Ian Michael Smith: Simon Birch

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Quotes 

• Simon : Your mother is so sexy, sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.

  Joe : What if I said the same thing about your mother?

  Simon : I'd have you committed.

• Simon : What I want to do and what I do are two separate things. If we all went around doing what we wanted all the time, there'd be chaos.

• Simon : I've been thinking.

  Joe : Yeah?

  Simon : Last year we were in the squirt league, and this year we're in the pewee.

  Joe : So?

  Simon : So what do they want us to do, play baseball or urinate? Anyway, I was just thinking.

• Simon : Boobs!

• Simon : You're already a bastard. Might as well be an enlightened one.

• Rev. Russell : What are you doing sitting in a corner Simon?

  Simon : Thinking about God.

  Rev. Russell : In a corner?

  Simon : Faith is not in a floor plan.

• Joe : My balls just turned to prunes!

  Simon : My balls just turned to raisins!

• Simon : I don't see how pork chops could lead to intercourse, no matter how good they are.

• Simon Birch : Sex makes people crazy.

• Simon : If God's made the church bake sale a priority, we're in a lot of trouble.

• Simon : It's the *Virgin* Mary, Eddie. What does Joseph have to do with anything?

• Simon : I said, what does coffee and donuts have to do with God?

  Rev. Russell : They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and talk about up coming events.

  Simon : Who ever said church needs a continental breakfast?

• Simon : Ahh! It's a horse!

• Simon : She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.

  Joe : Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?

  Simon : I'd have you committed.

• Simon : I don't think God's plan includes breaking and entering.

• Simon : I look like a burn victim.

• Simon Birch : I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

• Simon : I'm a miracle you know.

  Joe : Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• Simon : Now get over there with the other flying monkeys, where you belong.

• Simon Birch : Thank you Miss Wenteworth.

  Rebecca Wenteworth : You know what Simon? Thank you.