Hollywood Squares (1998–2004)

Tom Bergeron: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Tom Bergeron : [It is the end of the main game of the show, and it is time count the number of squares each contestant earned in this round]  Let's count up our squares. Now Brianna, you have two which gives you a thousand dollars and our thanks for being here on Hollywood Squares.

  [shakes hands as audience applauds skeptically and Whoopi Goldberg has a puzzled look on her face, as Brianna's podium shows that she has won another thousand dollars from a previous game] 

  Tom Bergeron : You look stunned!

  [turns to other contestant] 

  Tom Bergeron : Now Alan, you've added three squares to your total, that gives you...

  [off-stage crew begins yelling 'hold it!' and confusion ensues before Bergeron realizes his mistake] 

  Tom Bergeron : Oh she won!

  [bursts into laughter as audience and panelists laugh and applaud] 

  Tom Bergeron : I guess that Emmy nomination's shot to shit right now!

• Tom Bergeron : Recently on Live with Regis and Kelly, Kelly Ripa started a club called "Rip-heads". What are "Rip-heads"?

  Martin Mull : Rip-heads are people who couldn't get into Mensa if you spotted them 200 points.

• Tom Bergeron : First, he was Prince. Then, he was The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. After that, he was simply The Artist. What is he known as now?

  Simon Cowell : The Artist Who Formerly Sold Records.

• Jeffrey Tambor : Well, it's a good thing you asked me this question. Because I was a history major in high school.

  Tom Bergeron : Really?

  Jeffrey Tambor : No.

• [Jeffrey Tambor has just received a tennis question] 

  Jeffrey Tambor : You know, this is interesting, because I used to be a tennis coach.

  Tom Bergeron : Really?

  Jeffrey Tambor : [shakes his head]  No.

• [In the bonus round, the contestant narrows his choices down to two keys and picks the wrong one] 

  Tom Bergeron : Well, as you know... hold on.

  [Tom walks over and takes a cue card from the grip] 

  Tom Bergeron : They actually had to show me this.

  [Tom shows the audience the cue card] 

  Tom Bergeron : "Show him the correct key." IT'S THE ONE HE DIDN'T PICK.

• Tom Bergeron : A $50,000 Gulfstream jet is the most expensive thing purchased using what?

  Guest Appearance : Dollars?

• Tom Bergeron : When spelled out in Scrabble tiles, which is worth more points? "Tom Bergeron" or "sex machine"?

• Tom Bergeron : What should you do about a hairy back?

  Gilbert Gottfried : I usually close my eyes and imagine she's wearing an alpaca sweater.

• Tom Bergeron : So what do you do for a living?

  Contestant : I teach ESL, English as a Second Language

  Tom Bergeron : So what do you teach?

• Tom Bergeron : [the final question asked on the series]  What is New Holland blue and sits on the White House lawn?

  Martin Mull : It is a flower, a tulip I believe.

  Martin Mull , Contestant : I agree

  Tom Bergeron : No, it's the tractor that mows the White House lawn.

  [horn honks] 

• Tom Bergeron : [the final question asked on the series]  What is New Holland blue and sits on the White House lawn?

  Martin Mull : It is a flower, a tulip I believe.

  Contestant : I agree

  Tom Bergeron : No, it's the tractor that mows the White House lawn.