Eddie Murphy: Sherman Klump, Buddy Love, Granny Klump, Mama Klump, Papa Klump, Young Papa Klump, Ernie Klump, Lance Perkins
Photos
Quotes
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Sherman Klump : Buddy Love, I am SICK, and TIRED, of your S-H...
Dean Richmond : I.
Sherman Klump : Thank you. T-E!
Buddy Love : Oh, ho-ho-ho. My shite?
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Papa Klump : You wanna know what's permanent, Sherman? You know what's permanent? I'll tell you. What me and your momma got. That's permanent. That ain't going no place. You know what I mean? I'll tell you, boy, if you find you a woman that loves you, that really really loves you, you gotta hold onto that Sherman.
Sherman Klump : Yeah, it's true, Daddy. Yeah, I know I sure do love Denise.
Papa Klump : Well, then y'all gotta get back together then!
Sherman Klump : Get back together... Daddy, that's it! Get back together!
Papa Klump : Yeah! That's right!
Sherman Klump : If we get back together, then that'll make everything okay!
Papa Klump : Dynamite! Go and call the girl!
Sherman Klump : No, not Denise, I'm talking about Buddy!
Papa Klump : Say what?
Sherman Klump : If me and Buddy get back together, that'll make everything fine between me and Denise!
Papa Klump : Hey, you just took the wrong off-ramp!
Sherman Klump : I can use the youth formula. I'll feed it to Buddy. It'll make him so young. I'll turn him back into Goop. And I ingest it... I eat it! I eat it!
Papa Klump : Huh? Say what now?
Sherman Klump : That's it! Daddy, that'll work! I wouldn't have even thought about that. This is fantastic!
[leaves]
Papa Klump : What are you gonna eat? Sherman!
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[Sherman and Denis are at a screening of the movie "Cape Fear" and someone in front of them is loudly heckling the movie and smoking a cigar... ala "Cape Fear"]
Denise : What's his problem?
Sherman Klump : I don't know, but enough is enough. Excuse me, sir. Young man, will you please keep it down just a little bit 'cause we're trying to watch...
[the figure stands up and turns around, revealing himself to be Buddy Love]
Buddy Love : Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the theaters!
[Sherman is terrified]
Buddy Love : Hello, fat-ass!
[laughs maniacally]
Sherman Klump : [taking Denise by the hand and leading her out of the theater] Maybe we should get going. I don't feel too good all of a sudden. Let's go. Come on, let's go somewhere else.
Denise : Sherman, who was that?
Sherman Klump : [exiting into the lobby] I don't know. I didn't really get a good look at him.
[Buddy has already beat them to the lobby]
Buddy Love : Sherman! Sherman Klump. You've still been hitting those Happy Meals? You haven't changed an *inch*! You remember me? Buddy Love. We used to chase that girl, Carla, at the same time. You ever hit that?
Sherman Klump : [flustered] Miss Purty and I were just friends.
Buddy Love : "Just friends". I guess that means you didn't hit it, huh?
[turns to Denise with interest]
Buddy Love : Who's your new friend? She sure is fine. Yes, fine. What's your name?
Denise : [disturbed] Sherman, suddenly I don't feel so well. Can we leave, please?
Sherman Klump : Yes, let's go, please.
Buddy Love : Can I talk to Sherman for one second? Then you can have him. One second, please. Excuse us.
[drags Sherman to the side]
Buddy Love : Sherman, how you doing, baby?
Sherman Klump : What do you want here?
Buddy Love : A little respect.
[hugs Sherman]
Buddy Love : You left me all by myself in that test tube without a card or a letter, and now I want a divorce. And this is a community property state, so I want my share.
Sherman Klump : Want your share of what?
[Buddy stops and thinks for a minute and claps his hands in realization, as if the idea has just come to him]
Buddy Love : The youth formula we invented!
Sherman Klump : You mean, the youth formula that *I* invented. Oh, no way, Buddy, no way.
Buddy Love : [turning aggressive] Who you growling at, fat boy?
Sherman Klump : I haven't growled.
Buddy Love : You growling at me?
Sherman Klump : I have not growled.
Buddy Love : I was hoping we could do this like gentlemen.
Denise : [coming by to take Sherman by the hand] Come on, Sherman.
Buddy Love : You gonna make me do something nasty to you, Sherman. I'll do something nasty.
[loudly mocking]
Buddy Love : Sherman! See you soon, Sherman! Sherman! Sherman!
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Denise : [nearly faints]
Buddy Love : [catches Denise and picks her up] No, don't hurt yourself, baby. You are coming with Buddy.
Sherman : [laying on the ground] No! No!
Buddy Love : See you later, Chunky Butt!
[Cackles]
Sherman : No!
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Papa Klump : What *I* do in *my* bedroom is *MY* business, you understand that?
Grandma Klump : The only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint off your scrotum!
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Papa Klump : Viagra don't work for me. I've been taking 'em like M&Ms.
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Papa Klump : [to Old Man Willie] Would you *please* put your clothes back on? You'll hurt yourself. You look like a roast chicken!
Old Willie : [punches Cletus in the face]
Papa Klump : [feels his face] That was a lucky shot.
Old Willie : [keeps punching Cletus until causing him to fall into some garbage cans]
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[Sherman is serenading Denise with the assistance of a crap Mexican band]
Sherman : Denise will you...
Buddy : Hey Sherman. You hear me Sherman?
Sherman : ...Denise will ya? Will ya? Let me come up there and put my beef in your taco?
Mexican band : [singing] Put his beef in your taco!
Denise : What?
Sherman : [Buddy cackles, Sherman's conscious comes back] Oh, no! No, no, no...
[chuckles]
Sherman : That's not what I meant to say, Denise! That was just a little joke! I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out and get some Mexican food. That's why I said that.
Denise : Well I am kind of hungry, but I'm not-...
Sherman : Yeah, you are huh? Yeah, I bet you could stand for a big ol' whopper right now, huh?
Mexican band : [singing] A big ole whopper right now!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor : You're sick!
Sherman : Yeah, I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself, if you know what I mean. Yeah and I'm loaded with secret sauce! Yeah, come on!
[Sherman does a perverted dance in front of a shocked Denise, and falls to the ground, sexually humping it]
Sherman : Bang that thing up! Yeah, come on! Come on! Make it funky!
Denise's Nosy Neighbor : You're gonna ruin my lawn, you pervert!
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Grandma Klump : Hey Cletus, who dat der piece of bisghetti remind you of? Maybe Mr. Johnson perhaps?
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Sherman Klump : [breaking into the middle of Buddy's demonstration] Wait, please! I'm sorry to interrupt, ladies and gentlemen! But I cannot go on living unless I have this man inside me right now!
Dean Richmond : [deadpan] Steady, sailor.
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Grandma Klump : Come on Cletus, come on right now! But I'm gonna tell you something, I gotta a razor in this here bag.
Papa Klump : Oh yeah? Well let me tell you something, that ain't even no bag you got in your hand, that's your titty.
Mama Klump : Cletus!
Papa Klump : She's an old bag with old bag tittie.
Ernie Klump : [quietly to Ernie Jr] Heh, he called Grandma a titty bag.
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[the chorus just finished singing 'Happy Day']
Ernie Klump : Happy day, happy day, happy day, my ass.
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Preacher : lf anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now... or forever hold his penis.
Mama Klump : Oh, Sherman!
[Shocked at seeing a bulge growing bigger inside of Sherman's pants]
Papa Klump : That's it, son. Show them what the klumps are made of.
Mama Klump : Sherman!
[Claps her hands]
Mama Klump : put that away!
Granny Klump : Sherman, calm down, baby. Save it for the honeymoon.
Buddy : [pops his head out of Sherman's pants] SURPRISE!
[Cackles]
Buddy : [wedding guests scream in horror, Mama Klump faints]
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Papa Klump : Well, look what rolled in. You know, at first, I thought you was old-ass Raisinet riding on a skateboard.
[Him and Ernie Jr. Snicker]
Granny Klump : I'd like to come over there and choke the life out of you right in front of Jesus.
Papa Klump : [praying to God] Sweet Lord, give me strength. Don't make me have to whup nobody's ass in this church.
Granny Klump : [praying to God] Ignore him, Lord. Ignore all his prayers. He ain't nothing, never did nothing. Give him a stroke or something.
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Buddy Love : Forget it fat ass. I ain't going back inside of you.
[woman grabed todder Buddy]
Buddy Love : Mmm. Got milk?
[he pull ripped her shirt]
Buddy Love : Ha! Thank you baby.
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Granny Klump : You better eat up Isaac, 'cause you gonna need your strength. Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch "Mating Season on the Serengeti." Doesn't take a lot to get Isaac going
Papa Klump : Timeout! Let me call a timeout on that
Mama Klump : Lord, my, my.
Papa Klump : I don't want to hear about you old-ass geriatrics.
Granny Klump : Oh, yeah Cletus? Me and Isaac might be dried up geriatrics, but ain't nothing wrong with Isaac'a love tackle.
[Table falls silent]
Ernie Klump : Oh snap, now.
Granny Klump : What's a matter Cletus, cat got your tongue? Did I step on a nerve Cletus? I get ya, got ya, got ya!
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[Isaac, Granny's boyfriend, walks to the dinner table]
Papa Klump : Well, if it isn't the world's oldest living Negro! Hey how's things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac?
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Grandma Klump : The other day I got out the shower and I bend down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Shot through my chest and up around my shoulder and down my spine. I thought "Oh, Lord." I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty.
Chantal : [cackling]
Mama Klump : You don't need a breast reduction, just be more careful.
Grandma Klump : Both feet too. Both feet.
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Grandma Klump : Does Cletus know I'm strapped?
Papa Klump : Come on, shoot.
Grandma Klump : I'm strapped, nigga!
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Mama Klump : [Answering door] Oh my, goodness! Is there a fire?
Fireman Stripper : Yes ma'am. I'm afraid there is.
Mama Klump : I don't smell no smoke.
[sniffs]
Fireman Stripper : [Walks in and beings playing music from stereo] There's a fire in my pants, and it's getting muy caliente!
[begins stripping]
Party Guest , Party Guest , Bridesmaid , Denise : Ooh!
[laugh and clap]
Mama Klump : Ooh! Lord, have mercy! A strip - Oh, my! My mother must've arranged this!
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Grandma Klump : Now that's what I call the Muy Caliente El Negro Special!
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Papa Klump : What's wrong with you, woman? Don't you wanna be young?
Mama Klump : No, Cletus, I don't wanna be young! Cletus, we supposed to be who we are and I'm just fine with who I am! But obviously, what you're trying to say is that you're just TIRED of the fat old woman that you got married to!
Papa Klump : Oh no, Anna, that's not what I'm saying! That's ain't what I'm saying at all, Anna - !
Mama Klump : [sobbing] Downstairs!
Papa Klump : Anna, please! Don't baby, I'm just trying to - !
Mama Klump : I think you better sleep downstairs, Cletus!
Papa Klump : But I...!
Mama Klump : Downstairs, Cletus! I don't want to hear it!
[sobs]
Mama Klump : Oh, Cletus, I'm so disappointed in you!
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Buddy Love : Well if it isn't the creator of Jumbo the Horny Hampster!
Dean Richmond : PLEASE!
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Jason : You're losing your intelligence, sir.
Sherman Klump : Yeah, I know. I can't even beat Molly and she's the dumbest hampster we got!
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Jason : Professor? You okay?
Sherman Klump : Yeah. I just don't wanna hurt her, Jason.
Jason : Then you won't. Hey, you CAN control Buddy.
Sherman Klump : You know it's funny how you get used to certain things in life. You get used to being overweight. I know I did. You even get used to people making fun of you. Somewhere along the line, I got used to being alone. And I just don't want to be alone anymore.
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Denise : Sherman you're very special to me.
Sherman Klump : [laughs, embarrassed and flattered] I didn't think you and I would ever, you know... How can I put it? 'Cos I'm...
Denise : Big.
Sherman Klump : Yeah, I was gonna say 'fat,' but 'big' is better.
Denise : Sherman, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that you're kind and decent. You are the most brilliant man I've ever known. And speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you from your research, so I'll catch up with you later?
Sherman Klump : Okay, I'll see you soon.
[she leaves]
Sherman Klump : [to himself] My goodness.
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Buddy Love : So that's where Sherman's hiding the formula. Klumpville. Chunky town. Big-ass city! Heh heh heh!
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Sherman Klump : [to Denise] I just want to say I'm sorry. I never... never wanted to hurt you. Understand? I thought that if you knew Buddy was a part of me, I thought that you wouldn't have me then.
Denise : Sherman...
Sherman Klump : Hear me out... I should've had more faith in you. Should've had more faith in myself. But I...
Denise : Sherman? Sherman, what's wrong? Sherman!
Papa Klump : C'mon, can't you hear, son?
Denise : [persistent] Sherman, look at me! Who am I?
Sherman Klump : [without memory] Pretty lady!
Denise : [sobbing] Oh, honey!
[hugs Sherman]
Denise : It's going to be okay, I'll take care of you.
Sherman Klump : [gleefully, at same time] Oh, that's nice! Nice.
Papa Klump : Come on, let's get the boy home.
Sherman Klump : Nice lady!
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Grandma Klump : Cletus, have you ever heard of the expression 'mercy hump'?
Papa Klump : Say what?
[Chantel laughs loudly]
Grandma Klump : 'Cause that's what you've been getting all these years - mercy humps.
Mama Klump : Mama, don't start! Stop it!
Papa Klump : You outta your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something...
Chantal : [laughs] He ain't got nothin' but a limp noodle!
[Anna gasps as Cletus grows offended, Chantel stops laughing]
Chantal : Oops, sorry.
Grandma Klump : [to Cletus, laughs] God'll getcha!
Mama Klump : Cletus!
[to Chantal and Grandma]
Mama Klump : Oh, look what you've done! Oh.
Chantal : Oh... I...
Papa Klump : You girls are crazy. I'm leaving. I don't believe it.
[storms out]
Mama Klump : Oh, Cletus, Cletus, wait! Cletus! Oh, Cletus! Cletus, I only told her 'cause she's got so much experience in sexual matters.
Papa Klump : [furiously] I ain't nothin' but a big damn joke to you, ain't I, Anna! Why don't you tell the whole world: 'my husband ain't nothin' but a big ol' pile of worthless shit'!
[Cletus leaves]
Mama Klump : [sadly] Cletus! Cletus! Oh!
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Buddy Love : [his last words, climbs a fountain as he is dying] Alright, tubby... let's see how long you last... without me...
[he evaporates on the side]
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Papa Klump : If I want to put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow, then "Hallelujah!Yankee Doodle!" that's my business!
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Papa Klump : [to Ernie Jr. who just belched in a restaurant] Hey, look, your grandpa ate a whole plate of beans before we came down here, you don't see me sitting here doing the old butt trumpet, do you?
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Sherman Klump : Um, sir, if it makes you feel any better, Petey is back to normal and feeling just fine.
Dean Richmond : Oh yeah? D'YOU THINK HE'LL CALL?
Sherman Klump : Dean, I just want to tell you, I'm - I'm sorry...
Dean Richmond : STOP... SPEAKING!
Sherman Klump : I just want to go on record as saying that -
[muttering]
Dean Richmond : Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh. I've been looking forward to saying something to you for years. And here it is: You're FAT!
[chuckles]
Dean Richmond : And dumb...!
[Denise enters the room]
Dean Richmond : ...and fired.
[Dean Richmond leaves]
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Papa Klump : [after Denise finds out about Buddy Love] What's going on with you, Sherman and Buddy, some kind of menage a trois or something?
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[repeated line]
Buddy Love : What the hell are you looking at?
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[Sherman's intelligence continues to deteriorate as he and Dean Richmond chase after the decomposing Buddy]
Dean Richmond : What? What?
Sherman Klump : Don't feel right. Starting to feel a little light-headed.
Dean Richmond : If you quit now, you're gonna be empty-headed! Come on, Klump, let's get him.
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Mama Klump : l always knew he'd find the right girl. Always knew. You see the Indian in her cheekbones ? Ooh ! Sherman, Sherman. Sherman.
[Claps her hands]
Mama Klump : Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. Sherman ! Oh, Lord.
Granny Klump : Shhh.
[whispers]
Granny Klump : Stop acting so stupid.
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Ernie Klump : [reaches for Denise's food across the buffet table]
Denise : [slaps Ernie's hand] You reach over here again, you gonna pull back a nub.
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Papa Klump : This is some scary shit!
Granny Klump : Yeah, like The Outer Limits.
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Mama Klump : [clapping her hands] Sherman and Denise! Sherman and Denise! Marriage! Marriage! Marriage! Marriage!
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Mama Klump : [camera zooms out from her mouth] Oh! Sherman, Sherman, Sherman!
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Mama Klump : Oh, is this supposed to be that hard?
Chantal : [holds a mirror] Yeah, let it set a while. Don't worry if it burns a little bit, that's natural.
Mama Klump : All right. You're the expert, Chantal. Work your magic, girl, because Denise's mother's coming to this bachelorette party and if she's as stunning as Denise, I got to be sparkling.
Chantal : Honey, you gonna blind their asses! When you walk in that door, they gonna think you Tyra Banks!
[Mama Klump and Granny Klump laugh hysterically]
Chantal : Oh, did I tell you the news? Leon got one of them penis pumps.
Granny Klump : Penis pumps? What he do with it?
Chantal : I don't know. It's supposed to pump it up or something.
Mama Klump : Does it work?
Chantal : Just on the tip. Now that thing look like a Portobello Mushroom.
[She and Mama Klump laugh]
