Wanda Sykes: Chantal
Photos
Quotes
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Grandma Klump : The other day I got out the shower and I bend down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Shot through my chest and up around my shoulder and down my spine. I thought "Oh, Lord." I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty.
Chantal : [cackling]
Mama Klump : You don't need a breast reduction, just be more careful.
Grandma Klump : Both feet too. Both feet.
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Grandma Klump : Cletus, have you ever heard of the expression 'mercy hump'?
Papa Klump : Say what?
[Chantel laughs loudly]
Grandma Klump : 'Cause that's what you've been getting all these years - mercy humps.
Mama Klump : Mama, don't start! Stop it!
Papa Klump : You outta your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something...
Chantal : [laughs] He ain't got nothin' but a limp noodle!
[Anna gasps as Cletus grows offended, Chantel stops laughing]
Chantal : Oops, sorry.
Grandma Klump : [to Cletus, laughs] God'll getcha!
Mama Klump : Cletus!
[to Chantal and Grandma]
Mama Klump : Oh, look what you've done! Oh.
Chantal : Oh... I...
Papa Klump : You girls are crazy. I'm leaving. I don't believe it.
[storms out]
Mama Klump : Oh, Cletus, Cletus, wait! Cletus! Oh, Cletus! Cletus, I only told her 'cause she's got so much experience in sexual matters.
Papa Klump : [furiously] I ain't nothin' but a big damn joke to you, ain't I, Anna! Why don't you tell the whole world: 'my husband ain't nothin' but a big ol' pile of worthless shit'!
[Cletus leaves]
Mama Klump : [sadly] Cletus! Cletus! Oh!
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Mama Klump : Oh, is this supposed to be that hard?
Chantal : [holds a mirror] Yeah, let it set a while. Don't worry if it burns a little bit, that's natural.
Mama Klump : All right. You're the expert, Chantal. Work your magic, girl, because Denise's mother's coming to this bachelorette party and if she's as stunning as Denise, I got to be sparkling.
Chantal : Honey, you gonna blind their asses! When you walk in that door, they gonna think you Tyra Banks!
[Mama Klump and Granny Klump laugh hysterically]
Chantal : Oh, did I tell you the news? Leon got one of them penis pumps.
Granny Klump : Penis pumps? What he do with it?
Chantal : I don't know. It's supposed to pump it up or something.
Mama Klump : Does it work?
Chantal : Just on the tip. Now that thing look like a Portobello Mushroom.
[She and Mama Klump laugh]
