The Ernest Film Festival (1986 Video)

Jim Varney: Ernest P. Worrell

Photos 

Quotes 

• Ernest P. Worrell : You gotta give your fair share, Vern, because if you don't pitch in your part and I don't pitch in my part, these poor people won't have a part to pitch in. Get Ernest 'bout the United Way, knowhutImean?

• Ernest P. Worrell : Vern, what's these dead minnows doin' on my pizza pie?

• Ernest P. Worrell : That freshly bewed Convient Coffee every morning get's me movin'. I'm movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-... In my Convienient Cup. I'm movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-movin'-... I think I'll have a donut.

• Ernest P. Worrell : Vern? Vern? Looks like you need some mouth to mouth resignation.

• Ernest P. Worrell : Ya know, Vern, Cream O'Weber Highland sour cream is good on anything from potatoes to tacos, that it was inspired me to write this poem. I infectionatly call it "Sour Cream" by Ernest P. Worrell. Actually, it's by Cream O'Weber Highland, I just wrote the words. "Roses are red, violets are blue, sour cream is white, and comes in a tub."

• Ernest P. Worrell : Hey Vern, ya diggin' a hole? Why? Did you call the gas company first? Why not? Vern, if you don't call before you dig, you could hit a gas line and ruin a perfectly good afternoon, knowhutImean? No heat. No hot water. Ya can't cook and you're sure not gonna make any new friends down at the gas company, knowhutImean?

• Ernest P. Worrell : [On smoking cigarettes]  Gosh, Vern, ya tryin' to kill us all? Walkin' around all the time with that weed hangin' out of your mouth. Don't you know how deadly that thing is? You're just askin' for a case of the Big C: Cancer city, Chemo Therapy Hotel. I care 'bout you, Vern, that's why I'm warning you, you better give up them cigarettes, buddy, or the groundhogs will ber bringin' you your mail, knowhutimean?

• Ernest P. Worrell : [after watching Andy Griffith]  I know what, Vern, let's me and you play Mayberry. I'll be Andy and you be Dopey.

• Ernest P. Worrell : [reading Vern's hospital chart]  Hey Vern it says here you're gettin' 50 suppositories a day. Where you puttin' them things anyway?

• Ernest P. Worrell : Country Fresh Lite keeps ya livin' right, knowhutimean?

• Ernest P. Worrell : [At an ice cream shop]  And Vern, I guess you got the chocolate.

  [licks the ice cream] 

  Ernest P. Worrell : Don't you want yours, Vern? Well pay the lady.

• Ernest P. Worrell : Boy, Vern, crime fightin' is a thankless job, but somebody's gotta do it. Knowhutimean?

• Ernest P. Worrell : Did you see her fix these hamburgers? She cooked'em just the way I like'em. She cooked them one at a time, all the fixings, none of them conveyer belts, no automatic burger machines, none of that factory stuff, it's just a real hamburger made by a real human being. What'll they think of next?

• Ernest P. Worrell : [Figuring out a mathematical equation, typing on his head like a calculator]  Vern drives 18 miles to Tyson's Toyota at 20¢ a mile, that's government standard. Divided by the excellerated rotation of the earth, minus the frustration factor equals... Vern, you're gonna save $53,000 on a $9,000 car. I don't know how them boys stay in business!

• Ernest P. Worrell : Don't touch that dial, Vern. Don't touch it. Please, Vern. I'm trapped in this TV forever.

• Ernest P. Worrell : Hey Vern. Boy, Vern, being in the hospital sure is rough duty, huh? Well thank goodness M*A*S*H comes on every week night on WDBJ 7, your hometown station, with Hawkeye and Hot Lips and the whole gang, what a ride. You know, Vern, if I can swing it, I'm gonna try to come down here every night and watch M*A*S*H with you, don't that sound like fun?