Charmed (1998–2006)

Alyssa Milano: Phoebe Halliwell

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Quotes 

• Phoebe : You're a monkey. Ooh, you're an angry monkey. Oh, you're pissed. You're- PMS monkey?

• Phoebe : [singing]  Oh, I'm making soup for Cole, he'll eat it in a bowl, I guess that's my new role, making soup for Cole.

• Cole : Don't you think you're being a little paranoid?

  Phoebe : With my demon ex-husband from hell?

• [Piper walks into the living room to see Phoebe and Paige wearing beauty masks] 

  Piper : Ah.

  Phoebe : What?

  Piper : Oh, my God. You two could scare the hair off a cat. No demons dare drop by here.

• Phoebe : Last night two guys held up a bar and a vigilante killed them.

  Paige : Sounds more like you need an arrest warrant, not a potion.

  Phoebe : Not when the vigilante is tall, dark and handsome and can send people flying with the wave of a hand.

  Piper : Well, that doesn't mean it's Cole.

  Phoebe : Did I forget to mention the scorch marks?

  Piper : See, *that* means it's Cole.

• Phoebe : I mean, you're not even showing yet... except for your boobies.

  Piper : I'm telling you, they are large and they are definitely in charge.

• Piper : I've come to the conclusion that if you've got it, then you must flaunt it.

  [lifts her shirt a little to show her pregnant tummy] 

  Phoebe : That's my niece in that belly.

  Paige : She's my niece, too.

  Phoebe : Hi, niece. It's your favorite aunt, Phoebe.

• [Prue and Piper just find out Leo is a Whitelighter] 

  Prue : What is he again?

  Phoebe : He's a Whitelighter. You know, kinda like Peter Pan and Tinkerbell without the wings and the tutu.

• Piper : So what do you say to an overbearing younger sister who's treating her pregnant older sister like a porcelain doll?

  Phoebe : "Thank you"?

  Piper : How about "Knock it off"?

  Phoebe : That's probably better advice.

• [Piper and Leo are down behind the bar. Piper giggles. Piper's cell phone rings and she pops up, out of breath to answer it] 

  Piper : Hello?

  Phoebe : Hey, did you make the potion?

  Piper : Potion? P-P-Paige is making the potion.

  [Leo pops up beside Piper and starts kissing her neck] 

  Piper : And I have ten glorious minutes then I have to have my herbs.

  Phoebe : Great, because I need your help fast. Karen's gonna get fired unless we get her advice column in by 8:00 tonight.

  Piper : Uh-huh.

  Phoebe : So what would tell a twenty-eight year old woman who's still living in her parents house because she's afraid of living alone?

  Piper : I'd tell her to get a life.

  Phoebe : How can I write that? We fight demons every day. How can I tell her that there's nothing to be afraid of, you know? (Piper makes a noise as Leo disappears behind the bar again, smiling.) What are you doing, Piper?

  Piper : I am taking my own advice.

  Phoebe : Eww.

• Phoebe : Where the hell is Leo, it's been five hours and he hasn't responded to any of my calls.

  Chris Perry : I really don't know

  Piper : Well I really think you do know

  Chris Perry : Well maybe I do, and if I'm right, Leo's gonna need some major alone time

  Piper : You know what? Cut the cryptic crap. I want you to go up there and bring Leo back now.

  Chris Perry : Fine. But if I was you I would focus on finding a way to unfreeze Paige 'cause you're gonna need her... soon

  Piper : I swear to God if he does not bring Leo back I am gonna blow his ass back to the future orbs and all.

  Phoebe : Okay, Piper maybe it would be better if you go downstairs and spend some time with Wyatt... you're not breathing are you?

  Piper : Nope

  Phoebe : Breathe, inhale, exhale, okay next sister.

• Craig : Who are you?

  Paige : Witch.

  Leo : Angel.

  Phoebe : Mermaid.

• Phoebe : No time to dawdle, there's a baby on the way.

  Leo : This is crazy. You can't leave like this.

  Paige : We, very well can't ignore Chris's birth now can we?

  Chris : I'm the baby. I give you permission to.

• Phoebe : So, we get to go back there? And we get to meet our grandfather?

  Grams : Don't make too much out of it, because whatever you do, you can't change the past or tell anyone you're from the future.

  Phoebe : [Indicates Chris]  Well, why does he get to?

  Chris : Because I know what I'm doing.

  Grams : Not from where I'm standing.

• Phoebe : I forgot your question.

  Piper : I asked if Prue was going to have sex with someone other than herself this year.

  Phoebe : That's disgusting. Please say yes.

• Piper : Paige. Is everything okay?

  Paige : Better than okay. I'm going to have a love life.

  Phoebe : You're making a love potion?

  Paige : No, I'm making a stun potion.

  Piper : So that lovers will be stunned by you?

  Paige : No, so that Kazis will be stunned by me.

  Phoebe : You're in love with a Kazi demon?

  Paige : Try to stay with me, people.

• Piper : Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.

  Mitzy Stillman : We've got them now.

  Piper : Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?

  Phoebe : Piper, death bad, life good.

  Paige : Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.

  [the blonde sisters gasp] 

  Mabel Stillman : How dare you!

  [Mabel blows up the doors] 

  Piper : Run!

• Phoebe : [about Leo's spell]  "We harken ye"? What are we trying to summon a leprechaun here?

• Phoebe : I think I did something really bad... I slept with my boss.

  Piper : Jason?

  Phoebe : No, Elise! Yes, Jason!

• Phoebe : Notice anything different about me?

  [Paige looks at her oddly] 

  Piper : Engagement ring. Notice it or wear coffee.

• Phoebe : Go away horny tom cats.

• Phoebe : The wrong thing done for the right reason is still the wrong thing.

• Phoebe : I curse you, you curse me, let's get together and do a little cursing.

• Cole : [Cole and Leo went to the Underworld without telling the Charmed ones]  Ok, I know you're angry, but before you say anything, we found out that the faction is led by a Warlock named Devlin.

  Phoebe : Hmmm... he looked more like a Joe to me.

• Piper : I'm not pregnant. Trust me.

  Prue : Well, that's good news.

  Phoebe : Are you kidding? That's great news. You can live.

• Phoebe : I think I found the demon. Oh my god...

  Paige : What? You can't say "demons" followed by "oh my god" - I'm new at this, I'm likely to panic.

• Phoebe : I mean, between you and Leo, and Prue, the new Hot Wicca Woman, and me, soon to be employed, things are looking up.

  Piper : Don't say that. The moment someone says that, everything always goes south.

  Phoebe : Unless you freeze him. Oh, I couldn't help it. It was so good.

  Prue : Okay, okay, come on, we're going, you're going to borrow the car.

  [Leo comes down the stairs] 

  Leo : Good morning.

  Phoebe : Yeah, we heard.

• Phoebe : Piper, just so you know, I may have to flee the country, but just for a little while. And I will call you, okay.

  Piper : Oh, no you don't, Missy. There will be no fleeing the country until you clean up after yourself.

  Phoebe : No-no-no-no-no, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm possessed.

  Piper : That is not an excuse!

• Phoebe : Piper.

  Piper : Don't you "Piper" me.

• Prue : Yeah, well, rules are meant to be broken.

  Phoebe : Yeah, but bodies weren't.

  Piper : And neither were hearts.

• Phoebe : What about water birth? Can we do that at home?

  Eve : Sure, we can rent a tub.

  Piper : What am I a dolphin? I'm not giving birth to fish.

  Leo : Well, actually, dolphins aren't fish. They're mammals.

  Piper : Shut up.

• Phoebe : What's the celebration?

  Paige : I'm just so happy to be home, that's all.

  Piper : You wanted to move out.

  Paige : I did? God, no. Never. Well, I mean, you know, maybe when I'm married or pregnant or... hopefully both at the same time. We're sisters. We shouldn't split up until we absolutely have to. You know that, right?

  Piper : She's rambling.

  Phoebe : I hear that.

• Phoebe : Okay we theme, you potion.

  Piper : Me peeved, you annoying.

• Piper : Oh, you know what? She's getting angry. And our powers don't work so good when we're angry.

  Mitzy : We've got them now.

  Piper : Yeah, you've got us now so why don't you blow us up?

  Phoebe : Piper, death bad, life good.

  Paige : Don't worry, this bimbo couldn't hit the broadside of a beauty parlour. Check out that dye job.

  [the blonde sisters gasp] 

  Mabel : How dare you!

  [Mabel blows up the doors] 

  Piper : Run!

• Phoebe : Come on, you don't think we'll be 60 and still living together, sharing clothes and a cat.

  Piper : Well now that you put it that way, no, I don't want to live with you anymore.

• Phoebe : Good people do not turn other people into water coolers.

• Phoebe : [about Paige]  Dead? What do you mean she's dead?

  Leo : Don't worry. The dwarves are all over it.

  Phoebe : The dwarves?

  Leo : Piper cast a spell that wound up summoning the descendents of the seven dwarves. Actually, they prefer to be called little people now.

• Prue : Hey, be nice. I don't even want to think about sin tonight.

  Phoebe : Me neither.

  Prue : So, this is an interesting band, what's their name?

  Piper : Orgy.

• Phoebe : It's just research for that stupid article Jason made me do.

  Piper : Ah, you said his name without swearing. Does that mean things are going better at work?

  Phoebe : Oh, no. He's still driving me crazy.

  Piper : Didn't he just give you a raise?

  Phoebe : Yeah, but that was just a bribe so I wouldn't quit.

  Piper : Ah, a woman of principles. I admire that.

• Phoebe : I was under a spell. Evil.

  Paige : Evil? You were blonde!

• Phoebe : We're not demon hunting. We're going to lunch.

  Chris : Hey. I am not unreasonable. You can hunt demons after lunch.

• Phoebe : Are you making spaghetti sauce?

  Piper : No, that's demon blood.

• Phoebe : *Hey*! Don't call me sweetie! You can't imprison someone and then call them sweetie!

• Phoebe : 28 minutes, 33 seconds.

  [Piper looks at her] 

  Piper : Really? We ran that long?

  Phoebe : No, that's how long you've been comparing Leo and Dan.

  Piper : I haven't been comparing - I've just been... talking.

  Phoebe : Non-stop.

• Phoebe : We could sure use some cosmic help right about now.

• Phoebe : Will your friends be staying for dinner?

  Cole : I'm going to have a hard enough time convincing them to stay 'til the end of the meeting if you don't stop threatening to kill them.

• Cole : Did you get my flowers?

  Phoebe : Yeah. "Sorry I tried to strangle you" Probably not a card the florist gets to write everyday.

• Paige : [about Cole]  I'm telling you, he's gone for good.

  Phoebe : Yeah... that's what we thought last time.

  Piper : And the time before that.

• Paige : If you want to talk to Piper, she's in the room throwing up.

  Phoebe : What, is she sick?

  Paige : She's pregnant Phoebe, sickness is their way of life.

• Phoebe : Sorry, had to grab my broom.

• Phoebe : [Prue telekinetically shuts the door on Phoebe]  Hey! We've had this discussion. You're not allowed to use your active power on me, until I have an active power to use on you.

• Phoebe : I just want to know, am I in for another cold shower or not?

  Piper : [worried that she may be pregnant]  You know Phoebe, there are times in our lives where a cold shower is a good thing.

• Chris : Where is Paige?

  Phoebe : She's at her new temp job.

  Chris : She's still on that kick?

  Piper : It's not a kick, Chris. It's her quest for happiness outside of magic.

  Chris : Yeah, but it's a temp job. Who finds happiness in a temp job?

• Phoebe : [to Spencer Ricks]  You know what? You're a turkey! And turkeys don't write columns.

  [she throws the potion at Spencer and he turns into a turkey] 

  Phoebe : But they do make delicious dinners!

• Piper : Wasn't there a confidence spell in the book?

  Phoebe : Yeah, remember we cast it on that waiter at Quake?

  Piper : Wow. Quake. That was a long time ago.

• Phoebe : Can you do anything about this thunder? 'Cause it's making me nuts.

  The Seer : I have no sway over the weather. I do have a friend who works with the wind, but she's out of town.

• Cole : [the Charmed ones are being inspired by a muse]  I think Leo should orb me down to the Underworld. I may not be a demon anymore, but I still know the terrain.

  Phoebe : And you may just find yourself in ever-lasting pain!

  Paige : ...That was a rhyme.

  Phoebe : I know; and now is not the time.

• Phoebe : Okay, something really freaky happened last night when I was with Miles.

  Piper : You guys are all ready getting freaky?

• Phoebe : AT&T, Power of Three.

• Paige : I can't believe I destroyed the house.

  Phoebe : What I can't believe is what you almost saw in the hotel room. If you had gotten there five minutes earlier...

  Piper : Lalala. Over sharing.

• Grams : You need guidance, some advice on a certain sister situation. Am I getting warm?

  Phoebe : Red hot. But wait a minute, if you know, that means that they know, and if they know then we are f...

  Grams : Fine.

• [a witch doctor has put a hex on Piper, Paige and Phoebe; causing their character flaws to become obsessions] 

  Phoebe : What are those?

  Piper : Slipcovers. To keep the furniture clean. Although I've come to the conclusion we should probably just stand from now on.

• Phoebe : I need your help.

  Cole : You've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

• Paige : [about Leo]  She's blown him up... literally?

  Phoebe : Yeah, but you know Piper, she didn't mean anything by it.

• Phoebe : It's not every day you find out the person you love isn't human, except in Piper's case.

• Phoebe : Stop hinting around and let him have your crab already.

  Piper : Don't be disgusting.

• [to Leo] 

  Piper : [smiling]  I'll just go make you some more coffee.

  Phoebe : [grinning]  And I'll bring it to you.

• Leo Wyatt : I have to get back to the elders

  Phoebe : Well Chris is a whitelighter, can't he do it?

  Piper : Where is he?

  Phoebe : Upstairs with Paige.

  Piper : And the book. Leo, go talk to the Elders, Pheobe keep an eye on our magical houseguests, I'm gonna go see what future boy is up to.

• [Piper and Leo hear a turkey gobble and look to see Phoebe getting out of her car carrying the turkey] 

  Phoebe : A little help here.

  Piper : What are you doing with that thing?

  Phoebe : Well, first I'm gonna kill it and then I'm gonna stuff it.

  Piper : You are not bringing that filthy fowl in the house.

  Phoebe : Yes, I am. Thanksgiving's early this year.

• Phoebe : [referring to Zankou who now has the Book of Shadows]  What do you think he wants?

  Paige : [laughs]  Our heads on a platter.

• [after watching Piper freeze a cop] 

  Phoebe : What a cool power, I hate her.

• Phoebe : I'll do what I should've done a while ago which is vanquish your sorry ass.

• Phoebe : I hope this doesn't mean we get our *virginity* back too.

• Phoebe : You have really got to lay off the rhyming, Prue

• Cole : Why would I ever not want to talk to you?

  Phoebe : I don't know, you know, just in case you thought I was a drunk or a lunatic, or a drunk lunatic.

• Phoebe : Got milk? Oooh, don't think so.

• Phoebe : Drake? Are you okay?

  Drake Robin : Drake? Who's Drake? I'm Robin Hood... of Nottingham.

• Phoebe : I can't believe you guys didn't notice my billboards downtown.

  Piper : Oh, honey, of course we noticed. You can see them from a passing 747.

• Phoebe : I don't get it. If our ancient compilation of spells, witchcraft and rituals can't help us, what makes you think Martha Stewart can?

• Paige : Well guys, we better come up with a plan, because Lord Dyson is out there, getting stronger as we speak.

  Phoebe : Thanks to Piper...

  Piper : ALLRIGHT!

• [Witch doctor appears dressed in a suit] 

  Witch Doctor : How may I be of service?

  Paige : Are you a witch doctor?

  Witch Doctor : Let me guess. You were expecting someone with a bone through the nose and shrunken head necklace, perhaps?

  Phoebe : Yeah, actually. Yeah. Yeah.

  [Paige nods in agreement] 

• Phoebe : [about possessed shoes]  Cole, these boots may be made for walkin, but they're NEVER walkin' back to you buddy.

• Phoebe : Go to hell.

  Cole : We're already here.

• Leo : Did you find out anything?

  Phoebe : Besides having a twenty-four hour death wish? Nope.

• Phoebe : Okay, Piper. As much as we would love to hear about your man problems, we have a possible demon to vanquish.

• Piper : Pheobe, why would you even leave her alone with it?

  Phoebe : Well, because she's our sister.

  [Piper Laughs] 

  Piper : Not for long.

• Phoebe : It'll be just like the summer by the lake. Remember when we made that blood oath to be friends forever, not just sisters?

  Piper : I remember my finger got infected.

• Phoebe : You came all the way over here for me, I mean we, I mean us?

• Grams : You and Paige moved out? When?

  Phoebe : Uh, a few weeks ago. But we're handling everything.

  Grams : Dear, you have Paige stuck in the past and a demonic blob roaming the manor. Exactly how are you handling things?

• Piper : See what I mean? We have bigger, naked breasts to worry about.

  Phoebe : Paige has her naked breasts to worry about and I've got yours.

• Prue : Cop, witch. It's not a love connection.

  Phoebe : Boy, girl. Lighten up.

• Phoebe : [about Cole]  He's soul-searching... or off searching for a soul.

• Phoebe : Lawyers! There should be a place in Hell for each and every one of them!

• Phoebe : Ready to kick some ass... sis?

• Paige : So how exactly do I bless this thing?

  Phoebe : With your blood. Come on.

  [takes Paige into the dining room and holds up a needle] 

  Phoebe : This'll just hurt a little.

• Phoebe : Wanna take a wiccan time out and do the crossword puzzle?

• Phoebe : Anyone got a vanquish in their pocket

• Phoebe : No I can still cast spells and do the power of three thing. Whatever the problem is it seems more natural than supernatural.

  Leo : Phoebe why didn't you come to me, I'm your Whitelighter.

  Phoebe : Because you've been busy.

  Leo : I've been busy?

  Phoebe : Well I've been busy. My work schedule has been really hectic. But I'm coming to you guys now.

  Leo : Ok you guys yell at her, and I'm gonna check with the Elders and see what they know.