American Pie (1999)
Jason Biggs: Jim
Photos
Quotes
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Jim : I would like to make an announcement. There is a gorgeous woman masturbating on my bed.
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Jim : Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?
Kevin : You want to take this one?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Like warm apple pie.
Jim : Yeah?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Yeah.
Jim : Apple pie, huh?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Uh huh.
Jim : McDonald's or homemade?
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Steve Stifler : [at choir practice] What did you cocks do to him?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : You came to see me in action?
Jim : Yeah man, I thought you sounded really good!
Steve Stifler : Yeah man, I think you need your balls reattached!
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Jim : She's gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!
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Jim : [Nadia takes off her underwear] Holy shit.
Finch : HOLY SHIT!
Garage Band Member , Garage Band Member , Garage Band Member : [together] Holy shit
Enthusiastic Guy : [enthusiastically] Holy shit!
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Jim : You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.
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Kevin : Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together we are the masters of our sexual destiny.
Jim : [imitating dubbed martial-arts dialogue] Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it!
Kevin : Guys...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : The Shaolin masters of East and West must unite! Fight! And find out who is number one!
Kevin : Guys! Come on, you're ruining my moment here. I mean, this is our very manhood at stake.
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Jim : God... let this be it.
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Steve Stifler : You actually said that?
[laughs hysterically]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Shut up!
Jim : You did better than me, Nova.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Don't call me that any more. I'm a fraud.
Steve Stifler : You guys are pathetic. I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.
[shouts]
Steve Stifler : *suck me, beautiful!*
[walks off, laughing]
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[Deleted scene. Michelle and Jim collapse after having sex]
Stifler's Brother : [Opens cupboard door] Awesome! That was better than Jurassic Park! Oh man...
Jim : Yes it was...
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Jim : Did you see 'The Little Mermaid' on TV yesterday? Ariel, she's so hot!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : She's a mermaid dude.
Jim : Yeah, but not when she's on land, Oz.
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[Deleted Scene. Jim, Oz and Kevin walk down the corridor]
Jim : Oh man...
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Shit dude, the 'L' word?
Jim : And what did you say?
Kevin : Nothing - I mean I hugged her back.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Good, then you're still safe.
Jim : You think she was serious?
Kevin : Well, well, she could have meant like "I love you Grandma" or "I Love you Cornell"
Jim : Yeah, yeah.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Hey, don't worry about it bro, I got the solution; It never happened. Forget about it. Don't mention it again and just lay low and hopefully - hopefully - she won't mention it again.
Jim : Yeah.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Yeah, no Sweat.
Jim : I couldn't have said it better myself
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : [snorts] You couldn't have said it at all Jim...
Jim : Hey.
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[Deleted Scene. Jim and Oz walk outside]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : She's a cartoon, dude.
Jim : She's a hot cartoon.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Dude, is there anything you don't jerk off to?
Jim : Of course there is. C-Span.
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[Deleted Scene. The boys sit by the lockers]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : She's a college chick.
Jim : Cassanova!
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Debbie.
Steve Stifler : Bullshit - from where?
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : She works part-time at my dad's store.
Steve Stifler : Yeah right, Oz, I bet it's more like your dad works at her store.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Dude, come on, he does not.
Kevin : Really, Stifler, he's the manager.
Steve Stifler : Hey, I'm not making fun - I'm fucking impressed! I mean, "Hi, six inch or foot-long, white or wheat?" - that's some serious shit to master!
Kevin : Stifler, you're such an asshole!
Steve Stifler : [chuckles] Myers... I mean, what's the deal with you and Vicky anyways? I mean you guys have been going since homecoming for God's sake and all she'll do is blow you? Shit, I'd drop her like a steaming turd!
Finch : Do you commonly grasp warm pieces of stool?
Steve Stifler : I do when I'm throwing them at your mom, you damn freak!
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[Deleted Scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Jim : Guys guys guys - here's an easy one, okay: "Attractive single white female, fun-loving, youthful mind seeks outgoing companion". Okay; Attractive: ugly.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Fun Loving: Insane.
Kevin : Okay, 'unlisted age' plus 'youthful mind' equals 'Old'.
Jim : No, no no no - 'Charming' is old; 'Older' is really old; 'Youthful mind' is dead.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : Yes, yes.
[High-fives with Jim]
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : [to Finch] You're still eating that damn imitation hot dog?
Finch : It's not an imitation. Removing the actual 'dog' from the Ultra Dog makes a better hot dog.
[Holds up a roll full of salad, onion and mustard]
Finch : Behold Ultra Dog - No dog.
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[Deleted scene. The boys are in Dog Years]
Finch : Is that legal? Can you do that?
Jim : I did it. Don't care.
Kevin : Maybe we'll just have to call you two-ply.
Chris "Oz" Ostreicher : I personally enjoyed the double-bagging part myself.
Jim : Well I'm very happy to entertain you Oz. So how you doing Kev, you okay?
Kevin : [pauses] Yeah.
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Michelle : So, you're pissed about something, huh? You know what I do when I'm angry? I just play some Bach on my flute. It's so relaxing. I learned to do that at band camp.
Jim : Hold on, uh. You have no idea why I'm angry?
Michelle : Is it because we have a test tomorrow? Sometimes I get cranky when I know I have a big test to study for.
Jim : Yeah, that's pretty much it.
Michelle : I thought so. Because this one time, at band camp...
Jim : What's your name?
Michelle : Michelle.
Jim : Oh. Okay. Michelle, um. Do you want to be my date for the prom?
Michelle : Really? You seriously want to go with me?
Jim : Yes. Seriously.
Michelle : Are we going to Steve Stifler's party afterwards? Because that would be so cool.
Jim : Sure. Whatever you want.
Michelle : Cool! We're going to have such a good time.
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Steve Stifler : Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house and you're not gonna do anything about that?
Jim : What am I going to do? Huh? Broadcast her over the internet?
Steve Stifler : Yeah!
Kevin : You can do that?
Jim : No, I cannot do that to her.
Steve Stifler : Jim, get some fucking balls! Man, if you don't have the guts to photograph a naked chick in your house how the hell are you gonna sleep with one?
Finch : I don't like the kid, but he's got a point, Jim.
Steve Stifler : See, even Shitbrick knows you should do it.
Steve Stifler : Now, all you gotta do is set up some sort of private link or whatever on the net and tell me the address.
Kevin : You can send me the address too. I'll save you a seat.
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Jim : You have something going tonight, Sherman?
Chuck Sherman : You see that Central chick, Bernette?
Chuck Sherman : She's around. It seems she's taken a liking to me. Fellas, it's time she experienced: the Shermanator.
