A Fish Tale (2000)

David Bateson: The Crab, The Shark, Additional Voices

Quotes 

• Joe : [to the crab and Shark]  Useless! The pair of you! You're not fit for sushi! I sentence you to execution!

  The Shark : Uhh... what's that?

  Joe : Shark! Chew up that useless crab and eat yourself when you've finished!

  The Shark : [about to eat the crab]  Yeh... uh... well...

  [turns angrily to Joe] 

  Joe : [realizing his mistake]  Uh... I mean, um, no no, uh, that won't do, ah, my mistake. Nobody has to execute themselves in a civilized society.

  [spotting another fish] 

  Joe : You!

  Seabass : Ah, who? Me?

  Joe : Yes, you! Because of your long and loyal service to me, I hereby appoint you chief executioner.

  Seabass : Ah! Ohh, thank you, sir. Ah, thank you, sir! Thank you, thank you, thank y -

  [Shark devours him] 

  Joe : Uh, on the other fin, we could just call it water under the bridge. A great leader is distinguished by his ability to forgive. Shark, I hereby appoint you offensive commander!

  The Shark : [calls the other fish to order]  Atten-tion! Go and get those three infuriating fish and bring them to me *now*!

• The Shark : [after swimming through the potion, the two transform and gain the ability to speak]  What happened?

  [realizing he can talk] 

  The Shark : Whoa! What's that sound?

  Joe : [stammering before realizing he can also talk]  Mmm. I believe we have acquired the power of speech, my voracious friend.

  The Shark : Uh...

  Joe : [slurping up potion]  I can talk. I can think.

  [bottling potion] 

  Joe : Mmm, what a delicious beverage. Can you feel the power? Can you... taste it?

  The Shark : Taste it?

  [spotting a fish, which he eats] 

  The Shark : Ah! Food!

  [belching in Joe's face] 

  The Shark : Oi! Clean my teeth! There's stuff in the cracks.

  Joe : Henceforth, oral hygiene is no longer my department.

  The Shark : What?

  Joe : [flatly]  I don't clean anymore. Try dental floss. From now on, I call the shots. Where there's brain power, I can have fame, fortune, servants.

• Fly : [Fly and his friends are trapped in a cage with a crab guarding them]  Hey, you! Crab!

  The Crab : It's against military regulations for a guard to converse with prisoners!

  Fly : You are one poor excuse for a soldier, buddy. Pretty wimpy.

  The Crab : Whaddaya mean wimpy?

  Fly : A soldier is disciplined, brave, and above all, strong.

  The Crab : What?

  Fly : [standing in front of cage bar]  Well, for starters, I bet your pathetic claw can't even put a dent in this iron bar.

  The Crab : Oh yeah? Check this out! Watching?

  Fly : Yeah.

  The Crab : Ready?

  Fly : Yeah, yeah!

  The Crab : [gets ready to cut cage, but hesitates]  Nah, too easy.

  Fly : [points to another bar]  Wait, wait, what about this one?

  The Crab : Trivial!

  Fly : No no, this is the perfect test for your strength. We're talking one hundred percent titanium here.

  [the crab decides to snap the key instead] 

  Fly : No, not-not the key!