Zoolander (2001)
Owen Wilson: Hansel
Photos
Quotes
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Hansel : I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.
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Derek Zoolander : Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Matilda : Honestly?
Hansel : Yes.
Matilda : I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
Hansel : I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
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Hansel : I guess you can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan.
Derek Zoolander : I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
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Hansel : So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
Derek Zoolander : And?
Hansel : And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
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Hansel : Excuse me, bra.
Derek Zoolander : You're excused, and I'm not your bra!
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Hansel : Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude!
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[Talking about the files]
Hansel : They're *in* the computer?
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Hansel : I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me." And it hurt.
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Hansel : You is talking loco and I like it!
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Derek Zoolander : You mean, you haven't...
Matilda : Done it in a while, yeh.
Hansel : Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?
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Hansel : Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.
Derek Zoolander : Fine.
Hansel : Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Derek Zoolander : Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Hansel : Well, you go first.
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Matilda : What time is it?
Derek Zoolander : Almost five.
Matilda : What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys...
Hansel : Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak fest last night."
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Hansel : Trippin' on acid changed our whole perspective on shit!
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Derek Zoolander : What say we settle this on the runway... Han-Solo?
Hansel : Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-Lander?
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Hansel : [while in an interview, dressed in angel's wings] I hear words like "beauty" and "handsomness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity of self absorption that I try to steer clear of.
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Derek Zoolander : Who am I?
Derek's Reflection : I don't know.
Derek Zoolander : I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.
Hansel : The results are in, amigo! What's left to ponder?
[Derek stares at Hansel]
Hansel : Nice comeback!
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Hansel : Taste my pain, bitch!
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Hansel : Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Don't you know I'm loco?
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Hansel : What's the dealio, yo?
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Hansel : Whatever dude... whatever. Peace. God Bless.
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Matilda : I became...
Hansel : What?
Matilda : Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander : You can read minds?
Matilda : It's where you throw up after every meal!
Derek Zoolander : [laughing] Matilda! Matilda! SO WHAT? I've thrown up after *lots* of meals!
Hansel : Yeah! It's a great way to lose pounds before a show!
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Hansel : I friggin' worship you, man.
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Hansel : Deal with that!
