M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Goodbye, Farewell and Amen (1983)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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[Hawkeye and B.J. bid farewell to each other]
Hawkeye : Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'LL say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we WILL see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
B.J. : Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of YOU.
Hawkeye : Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
B.J. : ...or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
Hawkeye : I'll miss you.
B.J. : I'll miss YOU. A lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here.
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Hawkeye : Colonel, before you go...
B.J. : We've been thinking about it, and there's a little something we'd like to give you.
Hawkeye : It's not much, but it comes from the heart.
[Hawkeye and Hunnicutt snap to attention, and for the first time salute Colonel Potter. Potter, very slowly and militarily, returns their salute; then he rides off on the horse Sophie. Potter and Sophie pass a broken-down sign reading "MASH 4077TH BEST CARE ANYWHERE]
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Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Well, I planned something, but it kind of fell through. I guess you noticed Soon-Lee isn't here tonight. It's because she had a lot of things to take care of. 'Cause we've decided to get married.
Hawkeye : Yay!
B.J. : Congratulations!
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : I had to cut through a lot of red tape, but I got permission. The only problem is, she won't leave Korea until she finds her family. So, boy, I don't believe I'm saying this, I'm staying in Korea.
Hawkeye : You don't have to act crazy now, we're all getting out.
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Hawkeye : [in a "normal" tone of voice] So, uh, listen...
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : [in a "normal" tone of voice] Yeah.
[They kiss for thirty-four seconds]
Hawkeye : [in a "normal" tone of voice] Well, so long.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : [in a "normal" tone of voice] See ya.
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Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio : In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.
Hawkeye : [operating on a/another wounded soldier] Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.
B.J. : And two.
Col. Potter : Three.
Maj. Winchester : Four.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : And there's twelve more out in the hall.
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Hawkeye : I can't say I've loved you all, either... but I've loved as many of you as I could.
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[Hawkeye was telling Dr. Sidney Freedman about what he initially thought was a chicken clucking inside the bus]
Dr. Sidney Freedman : Then what happened?
Hawkeye : Then I went back toward the front of the bus.
Dr. Sidney Freedman : And what happened next?
Hawkeye : There's something wrong with it. It stopped making noise. It just--just stopped.
[pauses]
Hawkeye : She-she killed it! She killed it!
Dr. Sidney Freedman : She killed the chicken?
Hawkeye : Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I didn't mean for her to kill it.
[sobbing]
Hawkeye : I did not--I--I just wanted it to be quiet. It was--it was a baby! She, she smothered her own baby.
[pauses]
Hawkeye : You son of a bitch, why did you make me remember that?
Dr. Sidney Freedman : You had to get it out in the open. Now we're halfway home.
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Hawkeye : Father, I may never see you again, and before you go, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. Your shirt's on backwards.
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A soldier : Timber!
[He and some other soldiers take down a tent]
Maj. Winchester : How I wish I could have swung the axe.
Hawkeye : Just think of all the rats who are homeless now.
Maj. Winchester : Oh, don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go.
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Father Mulcahy : [on the phone] Hello, Hawkeye. Need anything? Can we send you anything down to you?
Hawkeye : [in the psychiatric ward] Yeah, how about a band-aid for my finger? I got a blister from going
[strumming his lips]
Hawkeye : blblblblbl...
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Jeep Driver : Looks like it'll all be over before too long, huh, Captain?
Hawkeye : Not a century too soon.
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Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : [on the phone] What do you say, Captain?
Hawkeye : [in the psychiatric ward] Hello, Klinger.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Hey, you sound perfectly normal to me. How is it there? You crazy about the place? Ha ha ha.
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Maj. Margaret Houlihan : You holding up okay?
Hawkeye : All things considered.
[an explosion occurs]
Hawkeye : Most things considered.
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Hawkeye : [voice over, as he was writing to his father] Dear Dad, Sorry I haven't written for a while, but I've been on R&R at this wonderful resort. We're planning to have a bridge tournament here as soon as we can find somebody with a full deck.
[crumples up that letter and starts a new one]
Hawkeye : [voice over] Dear Dad, Remember when I was a kid, you always told me if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders I'd lose it? Well ...
[crumples up that letter and starts a new one]
Hawkeye : [voice over] Dear Dad, For the first time I understand what a nervous disorder is, because it seems I've got one. I guess I'll be seeing you soon, because I doubt if they'll let a surgeon operate whose cheese slipped off his cracker.
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[Hawkeye drives the tank into the "4077th trash dump," in an attempt to prevent bombshell explosions from coming so close to the 4077th unit. Some of the members applaud]
Hawkeye : I don't know why I always have to take out the trash.
[Some of the members laugh]
Father Mulcahy : I wonder if his discharge from the hospital was a bit premature.
Col. Potter : I'm putting in a call to Sidney.
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[there was an Armed Forces Radio broadcast about the war possibly ending very soon]
Hawkeye : [in the psychiatric ward] Thank you, Dr. Freedman, I won't require your services anymore.
Dr. Sidney Freedman : Where are you headed, soldier?
Hawkeye : The war is coming to an end. Everybody's on stage for the finale. If you don't mind, I'd like to exchange my straitjacket for something in a 39 normal. So if you'll call me a taxi, I'll be on my way.
Dr. Sidney Freedman : So hard to find a cab in this part of the war. Besides, I don't think you're quite ready to leave.
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[an explosion occurs]
Hawkeye : Okay, boys and girls, time to do something intelligent.
[He stands up]
Hawkeye : Since I seem to be the only intelligent person here, I nominate me, all in favor, say aye.
Col. Potter : Take your seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye : Uh-uh, sorry, sorry, I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take five.
[He walks out of the O.R]
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B.J. : A big glass of fresh, ice cold milk.
Hawkeye : For me, a banana. And of course, what's a banana without a piece of chocolate cake?
[Some other people in the O.R. laugh]
Hawkeye : What are you laughing at? It's wonderful.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : It is delicious - I'm going to take a three-hour bubble bath.
Nurses : Oh, yeah.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : How about you, Colonel - what's the first thing you want when you get home?
Col. Potter : Well, I like fresh corn. I mean real fresh corn. So I think maybe I'll just take a hot plate out to the garden, make a pot of boiling water, then I won't even pick that corn - I'll bend that stalk till the ear dips into the water, and I'll eat it right there standing up. Scrumptious!
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : How about you, Charles, what are you looking forward to?
Maj. Winchester : I am looking forward to a hemostat.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : [handing Winchester a hemostat] Hemostat - there's no need to bite my head off.
Maj. Winchester : Sponge.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : [handing Winchester a sponge] Sponge. You know, I just don't see why some people can't be grateful if other people try to help them.
Maj. Winchester : Don't you?
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : I think a person is lucky if somebody cares enough to help. Where would I be without my father's help?
Maj. Winchester : Oh, where indeed? He's pulling in three different directions, if you get any luckier, there's going to be a piece of you in every corner of the world.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : Maybe some people just can't feel gratitude.
Maj. Winchester : Maybe some people like having other people run their lives, but some people don't.
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Maj. Margaret Houlihan : [on the phone] Ah, you just take care of yourself, okay? We all miss you here.
Hawkeye : [in the psychiatric ward] Then get me out.
[He hangs up the phone]
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Hawkeye : [writing to his father] Dear Dad, I am doing better now. You remember Sidney Freedman? He's been here all week pulling shrapnel from my memory. I think the worst is over now. Remember when I was a kid, you told me that if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders, I'd lose it? That's what happened when I saw that woman kill her baby. A baby, Dad. A baby. But Sidney says that confronting the memory is half the battle. So I'm going back to the 4077. Sort of like the criminal returning to the scene of the crime. I asked them to send me to a foxhole in Crabapple Cove, but there aren't many foxes there - only lobster. So write me care of the war, Dad. Any place I hang my scalpel is home.
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Hawkeye : Time to hit the couch?
Dr. Sidney Freedman : Actually, it may be time to hit the road.
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Hawkeye : [to Dr. Sidney Freedman] You're sending a crazy man back to the place where he got crazy in the first place? Are you out of your mind?
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[Col. Potter bids farewell to Hawkeye and B.J]
Col. Potter : Well, boys, it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together. You boys always managed to give me a good laugh, right when I needed it most. Never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. 'Course I had to pretend I was mad at you but, inside...
[emotionally]
Col. Potter : I was laughin' to beat all Hell.
Hawkeye : Yeah. I'm laughing just thinking about it.
B.J. : I love a good laugh like this.
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Col. Potter : [on the phone] Pierce, we miss you here.
Hawkeye : [in the psychiatric ward] I miss me there, too. It's lonely here, especially at night. I do hear the guy in the next room. He cries all night.
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Maj. Margaret Houlihan : [on the phone] How do you feel?
Hawkeye : [in the psychiatric ward] Like a hostage. How about you?
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[an explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester : I thought we had a system here, they fire three rounds and they move on.
Father Mulcahy : Wait a minute, what happened to that pattern they had of firing off three rounds and then going away?
Maj. Winchester : Good question... again.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : Aren't those idiots afraid of being spotted?
Col. Potter : I guess they figure the tank's worth the risk.
Maj. Margaret Houlihan : Or maybe they brought in a second mortar squad.
[Another explosion occurs]
Maj. Winchester : Or maybe a third.
Hawkeye : Well, the "more-tar" merrier, ha ha ha!
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Col. Potter : [after a third consecutive explosion] Okay, that's three - let's see if there's any damage.
[Another explosion occurs immediately]
Hawkeye : That was a hell of a short intermission. I didn't even have time to buy an orange drink.
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Dr. Sidney Freedman : Yesterday, you were going to tell me about that day at the beach.
Hawkeye : It was great, very hot. A lot of people say too much sun is no good for you. And you know, carcinomas can result from that. You know, this of course would concern me as a physician.
Dr. Sidney Freedman : I'd like to get back to the beach.
Hawkeye : Hey, go ahead, take the rest of the day off.
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Sergeant Luther Rizzo : Well, I don't love you all - some of you still owe me money. Which I really need it - because I plan to open up a business when I get back to Louisiana. There's big money in this - I'm gonna breed frogs for French restaurants.
Hawkeye : Here, go buy yourself a frog.
[He tosses a wad of money toward Rizzo]
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Hawkeye : [furious] Keep that DAMN chicken QUIET!
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Everybody's life was in danger because of that damn chicken!
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Hawkeye : So long, kiddo, I'm gonna miss you.
Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Me too, captain - I'm sure glad you're feeling okay now.
Hawkeye : Couldn't be better.
[He "honks" Klinger's nose]
Hawkeye : Honk-honk. You have to have that tuned.
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B.J. : [on the phone] Hawk, it's B.J., how you doing?
Hawkeye : [in the psychiatric ward] How the hell do you think I'm doing? I've been locked up for the last week in a wacketeria.
B.J. : Well, listen, Sydney's the doctor.
Hawkeye : [to Dr. Sydney Freedman] You want a laugh? He's says, you're the doctor.
[to B.J.]
Hawkeye : I'm the doctor. I sew people back together. Why is he keeping a brilliant surgeon locked up? I mean, what's behind that?
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[Hawkeye gets a phone call in the psychiatric ward]
Dr. Sidney Freedman : Good time as any for a break.
Hawkeye : Yeah, let's knock off till Christmas.
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Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio : If you add it all up, it comes to more than two million people killed or wounded.
Hawkeye : Now that's what I call a grand total.
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Hawkeye : [answering the phone in the psychiatric ward] Y-ello. Snake pit, we never close.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Charles Boyer was trying to drive Ingrid Bergman crazy in 'Gaslight'. "The light's going dim!" "No it's not, you're crazy!" Now, she knew she wasn't going crazy, the audience knew she wasn't going crazy and this FRENCH guy is trying to have her put away, now I'd like to know why! I mean alright, she had a Swedish accent but we're still talking about an American citizen here. I want to know where they get the gall to lock up a surgeon, and I'm talking about the finest surgeon you'll ever see!
