M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Goodbye, Farewell and Amen (1983)

Jamie Farr: Sgt. Maxwell Q. Klinger

Quotes 

• Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : I thought when the war was over it'd be the happiest day of my life. But everything's all messed up. Now I'm in love, and I got nothing but trouble.

  Col. Potter : Listen, when you're in love, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it - either stop loving them, or love them a whole lot more.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : But if you love them a whole lot more, won't that just get you a lot more trouble?

  Col. Potter : Yep - then you love them even more.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Boy, that sounds tough.

  Col. Potter : It's murder.

• Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Well, I planned something, but it kind of fell through. I guess you noticed Soon-Lee isn't here tonight. It's because she had a lot of things to take care of. 'Cause we've decided to get married.

  Hawkeye : Yay!

  B.J. : Congratulations!

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : I had to cut through a lot of red tape, but I got permission. The only problem is, she won't leave Korea until she finds her family. So, boy, I don't believe I'm saying this, I'm staying in Korea.

  Hawkeye : You don't have to act crazy now, we're all getting out.

• Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio : In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.

  Hawkeye : [operating on a/another wounded soldier]  Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.

  B.J. : And two.

  Col. Potter : Three.

  Maj. Winchester : Four.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : And there's twelve more out in the hall.

• Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Thanks for your help, Father.

  Father Mulcahy : Francis John Patrick Mulcahy - remember that if you name any children after me.

• Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : [on the phone]  What do you say, Captain?

  Hawkeye : [in the psychiatric ward]  Hello, Klinger.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Hey, you sound perfectly normal to me. How is it there? You crazy about the place? Ha ha ha.

• Maj. Winchester : Klinger, with your penchant for scams, I've no doubt that in no time at all you will own this country. And, you can have it.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Thanks, Major - if I'm ever in Bean Town, I'll look you up.

  Maj. Winchester : Oh, gee, unfortunately, I'll be out of town then.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Uh-huh.

• Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Colonel? Colonel, this just came in the mail. Captain Hunnicutt's travel orders have been rescinded. What should I do?

  Col. Potter : [the helicopter that B.J. is seated in takes off]  Now, what was all that, son? I couldn't hear you over the chopper.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Nothing, sir. I guess it's too late now.

• Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Colonel - look at that sunset. What a beautiful ending for a beautiful day.

  Col. Potter : Yeah, it'd be a nice sunset if it was setting over there.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : What do you mean?

  Col. Potter : Ever since I've been around, the sun's always set in the west.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Then, what's that?

  Col. Potter : I once saw that same kind of glow in the Ardenne forest. The next day, there wasn't any forest left. You'd better get on the phone to ICORPS. If that fire's headed this way, we're headed out.

• Father Mulcahy : Do you, Soon-Lee, take Maxwell, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

  Soon-Lee Klinger : I do.

  Father Mulcahy : Do you, Maxwell, take Soon-Lee, to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, honor, and cherish, to have and to hold, from this day forward, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : You bet I do.

  Father Mulcahy : I now pronounce you husband and wife.

• [a "first" explosion occurs at the M*A*S*H unit] 

  Col. Potter : Everybody, hug a sandbag!

  Maj. Winchester : [running for cover]  Get out of my way!

  Maj. Winchester : [a "second" explosion occurs] 

  [to Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger] 

  Maj. Winchester : I thought you said you had everything under control.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : I did! Even I was fooled by that tent. I almost delivered mail there.

  Col. Potter : Well, it didn't fool them, they know that tank's here someplace. They ain't seen it driven out in the daytime, and they ain't heard it driven out at night.

  [a "third" explosion occurs] 

  Col. Potter : Okay, that's three. Get ICORPS on the phone, time to kick some ear.

• PA System Announcer : Attention, all personnel, we're patched into Armed Forces Radio for a special broadcast. It sounds big, folks.

  Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio : This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul. I've just returned from outside the newly built conference hall in Panmunjon. The hall is a symbol of the renewed hope for peace. It is almost finished, and you can still smell the greenness of the wood. Two years of constant disappoint have made skeptics of us all. However, the word from Panmunjon today is that an armistice agreement may be reached at almost any hour. While one of the bloodiest battles of the war rages on, it seems peace is finally within our grasp.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : [joyfully throwing some papers up in the air "in celebration"]  Yee-hee! Woo-hoo!

  Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio : ... translating the truce document which has not yet been completed.

  Father Mulcahy : [trying to listen to the radio broadcast while some other people in the mess tent were conversing]  Quiet! Shut your traps!

  Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio : ... But after a week of secret sessions in Panmunjon, the red delegates have finally announced they will discuss preparations for signing the armistice agreement. There is certainly some distance to go in these negotiations, but for the first time in over three years, the end of this bloody road that we've traveled seems only steps away. This is Robert Pierpoint in Seoul.

• Hawkeye : So long, kiddo, I'm gonna miss you.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : Me too, captain - I'm sure glad you're feeling okay now.

  Hawkeye : Couldn't be better.

  [He "honks" Klinger's nose] 

  Hawkeye : Honk-honk. You have to have that tuned.

• Col. Potter : [after a phone call with ICORPS]  ICORPS. I am specifically ordered not to touch that tank, and it may be days before the owner comes and gets it.

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : What don't you just tell them this is a hospital? As long as that tank is here, we're a target.

  Col. Potter : Boy, you must think I am the biggest dunce since the monkey wrapped his tail around the flagpole. Don't you think that's what I told him? I can take care of my job. You go act like a sergeant, unless you want to try something lower.

• [Maj. Winchester storms out of the room where Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger was.] 

  Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger : See you at the next shelling.