- Maj. Winchester: Well, I'm going to be head of thoracic surgery at Boston Mercy Hospital, so my life will go on pretty much as I expected, with one exception. For me, music was always a refuge from this miserable experience, and now it will always be a reminder.
- [the war is over, and the company is saying their goodbyes]
- Col. Potter: Well, Francis, you've been a godsend.
- Father Mulcahy: Look on the bright side: When they tell us to serve our time in Purgatory, we can say, "No thanks, I've done mine."
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: I thought when the war was over it'd be the happiest day of my life. But everything's all messed up. Now I'm in love, and I got nothing but trouble.
- Col. Potter: Listen, when you're in love, you're always in trouble. There's only two things you can do about it - either stop loving them, or love them a whole lot more.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: But if you love them a whole lot more, won't that just get you a lot more trouble?
- Col. Potter: Yep - then you love them even more.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Boy, that sounds tough.
- Col. Potter: It's murder.
- [Hawkeye and B.J. bid farewell to each other]
- Hawkeye: Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'LL say it. Maybe you're right, maybe we WILL see each other again, but just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy mustache, I'll think of you.
- B.J.: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of YOU.
- Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor...
- B.J.: ...or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid.
- Hawkeye: I'll miss you.
- B.J.: I'll miss YOU. A lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here.
- Hawkeye: Colonel, before you go...
- B.J.: We've been thinking about it, and there's a little something we'd like to give you.
- Hawkeye: It's not much, but it comes from the heart.
- [Hawkeye and Hunnicutt snap to attention, and for the first time salute Colonel Potter. Potter, very slowly and militarily, returns their salute; then he rides off on the horse Sophie. Potter and Sophie pass a broken-down sign reading "MASH 4077TH BEST CARE ANYWHERE]
- PA System Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, five minutes ago, at 10:01 this morning, the truce was signed in Panmunjon. The hostilities will end twelve hours from now at ten o'clock. The war is over!
- [M*A*S*H 4077th personnel members cheer and shout]
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, I planned something, but it kind of fell through. I guess you noticed Soon-Lee isn't here tonight. It's because she had a lot of things to take care of. 'Cause we've decided to get married.
- Hawkeye: Yay!
- B.J.: Congratulations!
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: I had to cut through a lot of red tape, but I got permission. The only problem is, she won't leave Korea until she finds her family. So, boy, I don't believe I'm saying this, I'm staying in Korea.
- Hawkeye: You don't have to act crazy now, we're all getting out.
- Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Major. I hope you don't mind leaving in a garbage truck, but it's the last vehicle I got.
- Maj. Winchester: Not at all - what better way to leave a garbage dump.
- B.J.: I got as far as Guam and all flights are canceled, nothing going in or out. I'm sitting there in this crummy officers club, and this guy comes up to me, and says, "You Hunnicutt the doctor?" Now, I didn't like the sound of that, so I said, "No, not me, pal, I'm Hunnicutt the chaplain." He says, "Well, chaplain, you'd better start praying for a miracle, because you're going back to Korea to do surgery." I was a third of the way home.
- Father Mulcahy: Dear Lord, I know there must be a reason for this, but what is it? I answered the call to do your work. I've devoted my life to it, and now, how am I supposed to do it? What good am I now? What good is a deaf priest? I pray to you to help me, and every day I get worse. Are you deaf, too?
- Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: This is Robert Pierpoint speaking to you from Panmunjon. It's one minute before 10:00 p.m. We can still hear the sound of nearby artillery. At some point during the next few seconds, the guns should go silent as the ceasefire officially goes into effect.
- [There are six more seconds of sounds of explosions, followed by eleven-and-a-half seconds of silence]
- Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: There it is, that's the sound of peace.
- Hawkeye: [in a "normal" tone of voice] So, uh, listen...
- Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [in a "normal" tone of voice] Yeah.
- [They kiss for thirty-four seconds]
- Hawkeye: [in a "normal" tone of voice] Well, so long.
- Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [in a "normal" tone of voice] See ya.
- Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: In human terms, the cost was much greater. The U.N. forces have suffered the following casualties - Killed in combat - 71,500. Missing and captured - 83,263. Wounded - 250,000.
- Hawkeye: [operating on a/another wounded soldier] Make that two hundred fifty thousand and one.
- B.J.: And two.
- Col. Potter: Three.
- Maj. Winchester: Four.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: And there's twelve more out in the hall.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: You know, I told you people something a long time ago, and it's just as pertinent today as it was then. Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice - pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
- [Hawkeye was telling Dr. Sidney Freedman about what he initially thought was a chicken clucking inside the bus]
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Then what happened?
- Hawkeye: Then I went back toward the front of the bus.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: And what happened next?
- Hawkeye: There's something wrong with it. It stopped making noise. It just--just stopped.
- [pauses]
- Hawkeye: She-she killed it! She killed it!
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: She killed the chicken?
- Hawkeye: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I didn't mean for her to kill it.
- [sobbing]
- Hawkeye: I did not--I--I just wanted it to be quiet. It was--it was a baby! She, she smothered her own baby.
- [pauses]
- Hawkeye: You son of a bitch, why did you make me remember that?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: You had to get it out in the open. Now we're halfway home.
- Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: On the communist side, 1,347,000 people were killed or wounded. The war also killed 400,000 Korean civilians.
- B.J.: This is not a good place to have a career as an innocent bystander.
- Col. Potter: Well, boys - it would be hard to call what we've been through fun, but I'm sure glad we went through it together.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thanks for your help, Father.
- Father Mulcahy: Francis John Patrick Mulcahy - remember that if you name any children after me.
- Hawkeye: Father, I may never see you again, and before you go, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. Your shirt's on backwards.
- Col. Potter: Goodbye, Margaret. I know you've got your career in order, don't forget to have a happy life, too.
- Maj. Margaret Houlihan: You dear, sweet man. I'll never forget you.
- A soldier: Timber!
- [He and some other soldiers take down a tent]
- Maj. Winchester: How I wish I could have swung the axe.
- Hawkeye: Just think of all the rats who are homeless now.
- Maj. Winchester: Oh, don't worry, you'll find somewhere to go.
- Broadcaster from Armed Forces Radio: The cost of the war to the United States has been placed at twenty-two billion dollars.
- [One of the people in the O.R. whistles at that amount]
- B.J.: Don't look at me, I only get three hundred a month.
- Father Mulcahy: [on the phone] Hello, Hawkeye. Need anything? Can we send you anything down to you?
- Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Yeah, how about a band-aid for my finger? I got a blister from going
- [strumming his lips]
- Hawkeye: blblblblbl...
- Jeep Driver: Looks like it'll all be over before too long, huh, Captain?
- Hawkeye: Not a century too soon.
- [Chinese musicians were playing off-key]
- Maj. Winchester: No, no, no, no, hold it, hold it. Dolce! Dolce! Dolce!
- Col. Potter: The Chinese have been torturing Winchester for a week now.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: [on the phone] What do you say, Captain?
- Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Hello, Klinger.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Hey, you sound perfectly normal to me. How is it there? You crazy about the place? Ha ha ha.
- Col. Potter: You boys always managed to give me a laugh right when I needed it most. I'll never forget the time you dropped Winchester's drawers in the O.R. Of course I had to pretend I was mad at you, but inside, I was laughing to beat all hell.
- Jeep Driver: [to Hawkeye] Hey, look at that,
- [reading signs along the road]
- Jeep Driver: "Hawk was gone, now he's here. Dance til dawn, give a cheer. Burma-Shave."
- Maj. Margaret Houlihan: You holding up okay?
- Hawkeye: All things considered.
- [an explosion occurs]
- Hawkeye: Most things considered.
- PA System Announcer: Sorry to interrupt your peace bulletin, folks, but we got wounded in the compound. We need a surgeon for triage. It looks like it's all over but the shooting.
- Father Mulcahy: I was anxious to get back to the parish, and coaching boxing for the C.Y.O., but lately I've gotten kind of interested in working with the deaf. Of course, not doing parish work, I'll miss hearing confession, but after listening to you people for so long, I think I've just about heard it all.
- Maj. Winchester: I have a standing in the medical community, and I don't need the help of a nurse.
- Maj. Margaret Houlihan: It's a good thing I'm a lady, or you'd need a nurse buddy.
- Hawkeye: [voice over, as he was writing to his father] Dear Dad, Sorry I haven't written for a while, but I've been on R&R at this wonderful resort. We're planning to have a bridge tournament here as soon as we can find somebody with a full deck.
- [crumples up that letter and starts a new one]
- Hawkeye: [voice over] Dear Dad, Remember when I was a kid, you always told me if my head wasn't attached to my shoulders I'd lose it? Well ...
- [crumples up that letter and starts a new one]
- Hawkeye: [voice over] Dear Dad, For the first time I understand what a nervous disorder is, because it seems I've got one. I guess I'll be seeing you soon, because I doubt if they'll let a surgeon operate whose cheese slipped off his cracker.
- B.J.: You know, Father, the first time I've met you, I thought there's this nice decent guy, kind of sweet and gentle, you know? How's he ever gonna last out here? I got to tell you, you're just about the toughest bird I know.
- Father Mulcahy: Well, I'm certainly a lot luckier than some of the people we've seen come through here.
- [a tank enters the M*A*S*H unit and eventually crushes the latrines]
- Maj. Margaret Houlihan: [to the tank driver] What's the matter with you? You drive this thing like it's a lethal weapon!
- [notices that that driver is wounded]
- Maj. Margaret Houlihan: Oh, my! Corpsman!
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants, and slide on the ice.
- Maj. Winchester: Klinger, with your penchant for scams, I've no doubt that in no time at all you will own this country. And, you can have it.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Thanks, Major - if I'm ever in Bean Town, I'll look you up.
- Maj. Winchester: Oh, gee, unfortunately, I'll be out of town then.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Uh-huh.
- [Maj. Winchester, in his pajamas, brings several POWs into camp]
- Col. Potter: Winchester, I think there's definitely a medal for capturing five Chinese in your bathrobe.
- [Hawkeye drives the tank into the "4077th trash dump," in an attempt to prevent bombshell explosions from coming so close to the 4077th unit. Some of the members applaud]
- Hawkeye: I don't know why I always have to take out the trash.
- [Some of the members laugh]
- Father Mulcahy: I wonder if his discharge from the hospital was a bit premature.
- Col. Potter: I'm putting in a call to Sidney.
- [there was an Armed Forces Radio broadcast about the war possibly ending very soon]
- Hawkeye: [in the psychiatric ward] Thank you, Dr. Freedman, I won't require your services anymore.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Where are you headed, soldier?
- Hawkeye: The war is coming to an end. Everybody's on stage for the finale. If you don't mind, I'd like to exchange my straitjacket for something in a 39 normal. So if you'll call me a taxi, I'll be on my way.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: So hard to find a cab in this part of the war. Besides, I don't think you're quite ready to leave.
- [B.J. is planning on returning to his home and celebrating his daughter's birthday; he has five minutes before he can leave]
- Col. Potter: Five minutes? I haven't got your replacement yet!
- B.J.: Jacobson is due here first thing in the morning. This is the only connection I could get.
- Col. Potter: [his voice cracking] Aw, what the heck. Send me a piece of birthday cake.
- B.J.: [hugging Col. Potter] Thank you. Look, I--this is not the way I wanted to--
- Col. Potter: Go, you're fighting the clock.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Colonel? Colonel, this just came in the mail. Captain Hunnicutt's travel orders have been rescinded. What should I do?
- Col. Potter: [the helicopter that B.J. is seated in takes off] Now, what was all that, son? I couldn't hear you over the chopper.
- Sergeant Maxwell Q. Klinger: Nothing, sir. I guess it's too late now.
- Maj. Winchester: I'm sure Sgt. Rizzo will find me another mode.
- Sergeant Luther Rizzo: Well, I'll go take a look, but we ain't got too many modes left, Major.
- [an explosion occurs]
- Hawkeye: Okay, boys and girls, time to do something intelligent.
- [He stands up]
- Hawkeye: Since I seem to be the only intelligent person here, I nominate me, all in favor, say aye.
- Col. Potter: Take your seat, Pierce.
- Hawkeye: Uh-uh, sorry, sorry, I can take umbrage, I can take the cake, I can take the "A" train, I can take two and call me in the morning, but I cannot take this sitting down. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take five.
- [He walks out of the O.R]
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: B.J.!
- B.J.: Hey, Sid, get your red-hot hot dogs.
- Col. Potter: Folks, can I have you attention? I need Captain Hunnicutt. Would the hot dog man please get his buns over here?