Best in Show (2000)

Fred Willard: Buck Laughlin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Buck Laughlin : Tell me, do you know the difference between a rectal thermometer and a tongue depressor?

  Nurse : Uh, no.

  Buck Laughlin : Remind me never to come to you for a physical!

• Buck Laughlin : [after Beatrice the dog jumps up on the show judge]  He went for her like she's made outta ham.

• Buck Laughlin : And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.

• Buck Laughlin : Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact.

• Buck Laughlin : Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?

• Trevor Beckwith : [as Scott enters with Agnes the Shih Tzu]  And now we have the toy, the Shih Tzu is coming, and here is, uh, Scott Donlan.

  Buck Laughlin : Look at Scott! He is prancing along with the dog! Man, I tell you something, if you live in my neighborhood and you're dressed like that, you'd better be a hotel doorman.

• Buck Laughlin : I'd hate to go on a date with Judge Edie Franklin and have her judge me, that'd be no fun.

• Buck Laughlin : I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded like that. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?"

  Trevor Beckwith : Yes, I remember you said that last year.

• Buck Laughlin : [sees the trophy]  I've taken a sponge bath in smaller bowls than that!

• Buck Laughlin : [as the hound judge examines a Borzoi]  Now that looks like a fast dog. Is that faster than a greyhound?

  Trevor Beckwith : Uhh... I can't really say...

  Buck Laughlin : If you put them in a race, who would come in first? You know if you had a little jockey on them, going like this

  [imitates jockeys hitting the side of the horse] 

• Buck Laughlin : I went to one of those obedience places once... it was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts.

• Buck Laughlin : Am I nuts? Something's wrong with his feet.

  Trevor Beckwith : I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but you're right.

  Buck Laughlin : He's got two left feet! Man, go get'm pal.

• Buck Laughlin : Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, at the top of my game, maxing out at 500!

• Trevor Beckwith : [as Scott takes Miss Agnes around the ring]  I'd be hard-pressed in this category to pick my favorite. I think the shih tzu is a terrific dog.

  Buck Laughlin : What's that one?

  Trevor Beckwith : The shih tzu.

  Buck Laughlin : The shit tzu. That's one you don't, uh, don't...

  Trevor Beckwith : Shih tzu. Shih tzu.

  Buck Laughlin : You don't play around with that name, do you? It doesn't come tripping off the tongue. "Stewardess, can I take a shit tzu on my carry-on, or does it have to be stowed?"

  Trevor Beckwith : Yes, it's an old joke, but a good one nevertheless.

  Buck Laughlin : It's a crowd-pleaser.

• Buck Laughlin : [noticing Cookie during the terrier judging]  Hmm, that handler looks familiar to me.

• Mayflower Toy Judge : [to a handler]  Ma'am, could I have the Italian greyhound over here, please?

  Trevor Beckwith : He's being very deliberate. He's known as a deliberate judge.

  Buck Laughlin : Is that right?

  Trevor Beckwith : Yes, and an interesting side note, as a matter of fact, he trained to be a priest at one time and was in a seminary. Never went through with it all, but it's unusual.

  Buck Laughlin : Be interesting to find out what went wrong there, but that's a whole other show.

• Buck Laughlin : [as the judge checks the back end of Cookie's dog]  She's examining the Norwich now!