Dude, Where's My Car? (2000)

Ashton Kutcher: Jesse

Photos 

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Quotes 

• [Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet."] 

  Jesse : Dude! You got a tattoo!

  Chester : So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say?

  Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?

  Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say?

  Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?

  Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say?

  Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?

  Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say?

  Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?

  Chester : "Dude!" But what does mine say?

  Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine?

  Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say?

  Jesse : "S - wee - t!" What about mine?

  [later] 

  Chester : [angry]  "Dude!" What does mine say?

  Jesse : [screaming]  "Sweet!"

• Chinese Foooood Lady : And then?

  Jesse : No "and then"!

  Chinese Foooood Lady : And then!

• Jesse : Hey, have you seen my car?

  Christie Boner : Well, I saw it last night. I mean, I saw the backseat...

  Jesse : [oblivious]  No, I'm talking about the whole thing.

• Chinese Food Intercom : And then?

  Jesse : And then...

  [laughs nervously] 

  Jesse : I'm gonna come in there...

  [grows livid] 

  Jesse : and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass IF YOU SAY "AND THEN" AGAIN!'!

  [pause; Jesse almost gives in] 

  Chinese Food Intercom : [repeatedly]  And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then! And then!

  [Jesse furiously smashes the speaker box, but Chester and Nelson pull him back inside the car, and they drive away] 

  Chinese Food Intercom : [severely damaged]  And then...?

• [repeated line] 

  Jesse : Dude, where's my car?

  [repeated line] 

  Chester : Where's your car, dude?

• Mr. Pizzacoli : [on delivering pizzas]  A trained dolphin could do a better job than you two!

  Jesse : Yeah, but then the pizzas would get all wet.

• [Jeese and Chester come across an ostrich] 

  Jesse : Dude, it's a llama!

• Jesse : Who's Johnny Potsmoker?

  Chester : Oh ,that's my alter ego.

  Jesse : Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego.

  Chester : No. Yours is Smokey McPot.

  Jesse : Oh yeah.

• Zoltan : You gotta activate the...

  Space Nerds : Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam!

  Jesse : What?

  Mr. Pizzacoli : They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL!

  Chester : Hurry, activate it, dude!

  [a small panel on the Transfunctioner reads "Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam"] 

  Chester : I think that's it, dude.

  Jesse : Thank you, Captain Obvious.

• Jesse : I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!

• Chester : A barn?

  Jesse : Is it red?

  Chester : No.

  Jesse : Then it's not a barn!

• [Jesse attacked a speaker box] 

  Chester : Well, you didn't have to go all aggro on that speaker box, dude.

  Jesse : I'm not the one who called the Dalai Lama a fag!

• Alien Nordic Dude : But the universe?

  Jesse : [mocking the Nordic dude's accent]  "Screw the Universe!"

  Alien Nordic Dudes : Screw the universe?

• Jesse : Stupid llamas!

• Mr. Pizzacoli : [knocks on the door]  Open up, you 2 slackers!

  Jesse and Chester : [quietly]  Mr. Pizzacoli!

  Mr. Pizzacoli : You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered, and I want some answers!

  Jesse and Chester : [notice the undelivered pizzas around the house]  Uh-oh.

  Mr. Pizzacoli : OPEN UP THIS DAMN DOOR!

  Chester : It's open!

  Jesse : OHHH!

  [he hits Chester] 

• [Jesse & Chester's answering machine message] 

  Jesse : Jesse...

  Chester : ...and Chester are shibby at the moment.

  Jesse : Please your shibby at the beep.

  Jesse & Chester : Shibby.

• Jesse : I do not want to go down in history as the guy who destroyed the universe.

• Jesse : You know what we should do?

  Chester : Eat?

  Jesse : No.

  [thinks for a moment] 

  Jesse : Eat!

• Tania : I'm a gender-challenged male.

  Jesse : What does that mean?

  [Tania reveals her penis] 

  Jesse : Whoa! Dude, you're a dude!

• Jesse : Hang in there, Dude.

  Tortured Mannequin : [hangs in there] 

• [Chester refuses to leave a strip club] 

  Jesse : Dude, this is an *emergency*!

  Chester : So is this, dude. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!

• Mark : Well, it was nice meeting you guys.

  Jesse : Mark, good luck with the whole modeling thing.

  Mark : Email me, ok? Freak-in-cage.com

• Jumpsuit Chick #1 : First you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner, then we give you oral pleasure.

  Jesse : I've heard that one before...

• Jesse : Look, it's an elephant!

  Mr. Pizzacoli : [turning around]  What?

  Jesse : It was just a mailman.

• Jesse : Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?

  Chester : [opens cupboard]  I'd say it's entirely possible.

• [first lines] 

  Jesse : What's up?

  Chester : Animal Planet!

  Jesse : Man, I just had the craziest dream.

  Chester : About what?

  Jesse : I don't remember.

  [chuckles] 

• Officer Rick : Oh... Did you guys say you wanted your car back, or that you wanted it impounded?

  Jesse : Uhh, we want it back

  Officer Rick : Oh, yeah, see, I accidentally sent your car to the impound lot. Sorry.

  Jesse & Chester : Rick!

• Pierre : Alright, here it is: I am going to ask you a question. If you get it right, I will set you free. If you get it wrong, then, you will be spending a lot of time with the ever popular Mark.

  Mark : I can be very nice.

  [Mark begins to rub his nipples, while Jesse and Chester looks at him with disgust] 

  Pierre : Alright, here it is: What is the average running speed of a full-grown male African Ostrich?

  Mark : [whispers]  Pass. Pass to me, I know it.

  Jesse : Pass to Mark.

  Pierre : [screaming]  You cannot pass! Shut up! What do I have to do to shut you up? Do I have to hose you down again?

  Mark : Don't hose me! Maybe later.

  Jesse : Dude, we're dead.

  Chester : [whispers]  Not so fast.

  Chester : The full-grown male African Ostrich, or the latin "Struthio Camelus," can grow to an average size of six feet-six inches, and weigh anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds, that can get up to, oh, an average speed of 27 miles per hour.

  Pierre : [showing excitement]  This is absolutely correct!

  Chester : Animal Planet.

  Mark : Wow! I said Brown.

• Jesse : Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  Chester : Maybe you should go sit on the toilet.

  Jesse : No. No. You know what the feeling is? It's love!

  Chester : Is that what that is?

  Jesse : Yeah, I'm in love with Wanda and you're in love with Wilma.

  Chester : Yeah!

  Jesse : You see. Now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change.

  Chester : We can?

  Jesse : Yeah! And you know what else? I'll bet you that we did buy them super cool anniversary gifts. You know why? Coz we love them.

  Chester : And we wrapped them really cool wrapping paper?

  Jesse : Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're gonna go down the impound lot and get the car...

  Chester : ...which has the gifts in it...

  Jesse : ...and then we're gonna go over to the twins house and beg for them to take us back!

  Chester : Yeah! Let's do it!

  Jesse : Oh, no, hold on. I gotta take a crap.

  Chester : Told you.

  Jesse : I know.

  Chester : I know your body.

• Chester : [the two have just had trash cans put over their heads]  Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.

  Jesse : Shibby!

  Chester : [Reaches out from under the trash can]  Low five.

• Jesse : Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying.

  [Chester slaps him] 

  Jesse : Thanks, dude.

• Chester : How wasted were we last night?

  Jesse : Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.

• Jesse : Look, dude. It's those two totally gay Nordic dudes at 10 o'clock!

• Jesse : Nelson, your dog's a stoner!

  Chester : Can he also bong a beer?

  Nelson : Nah, all he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.

• Jesse : [after being arrested]  Chester, I've seen this on Cops! Fight back!

  Chester : [to a policeman]  Can you turn on the siren?

• Jesse : I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.

• Jumpsuit Chick #1 : If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure.

  Jesse : That's us!

  Chester : Right here!

• [Jesse and Chester are looking up at the Super Hot Giant Alien] 

  Jesse : That is amazing!

  Chester : Yeah! Those are the biggest hoo-hoos I've ever seen!

• [At the police station] 

  Jesse , Officer Rick : [go to High Five] 

  Jesse : [Pulls back]  Sucker!

  Officer Rick : Oh, whose the goose? Me!

  Chester : You're such a goose!

• Zoltan : Time has come you guys.

  [Zoltan signals to another cult member to turn the music off so he can talk] 

  Zoltan : We are finally going to fulfill our prophecies of outer space travel.

  [the rest of the cult members yells out Zoltan and make the shape of the letter Z with their hands] 

  Zoltan : They laughed at us when we said aliens existed and they mocked us when we started wearing bubble-wrapped jump suits, but who's laughing now? Huh?

  [the rest of the cult members look around confused] 

  Chester : [laughs] 

  Zoltan : I'll tell you who's laughing now, we are!

  [the rest of the cult members yells out Zoltan and make the shape of the letter Z with their hands] 

  Zoltan : Soon we will leave this lame planet and fly through outer space with cool aliens, who like us. It is going to be awesome!

  Jesse , Chester : Zoltan!

  [Jesse and Chester make the shape of the letter Z with their hands] 

• [last lines] 

  Jesse : My back itches, dude.

  Wanda : Jesse, you got a tattoo!

  Wilma : Oh my god, so do you Chester!

  Jesse : No way? What's mine say?

  Wanda : Dude.

  Chester : What about mine?

  Wilma : Sweet.

  Jesse : Yeah? But what does mine say?

  Wanda : Dude.

  Chester : What about mine?

  Wilma : Sweet.

  Jesse : I know they're sweet but dude, what does mine say?

  Wanda : DUDE!

  Chester : What about mine?

  Wilma : Sweet!