George Carlin: Back in Town (1996 TV Special)

George Carlin: Self

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Quotes 

• George Carlin : Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?

• George Carlin : [talking about different phrases we use]  One more of these, "In your own words." You know you hear that a lot in a court room. Or a classroom, they'll say, "Tell us... in your own words." Do you have your own words? Hey, I'm using the ones everyone else has been using! Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say "Niq fluk bwarney quando floo!"

• George Carlin : People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

• George Carlin : And let me ask you this: the two pandas in the zoo. Do you care if they fuck? I don't. Why don't they stop telling me on the news the pandas didn't fuck again this year? I'm not concerned. I have no emotional stake in panda fucking, all right? If they want to, they will; if not, they'll watch "The Price is Right". Probably the only reason they're not doing it on time is 'cause some jackoff from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them. Could you get a hard-on if some guy in a green t-shirt with a stopwatch was taking your girlfriend's rectal temperature? Leave these creatures alone!

• George Carlin : Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an "abortion", and when it's a chicken, it's an "omelet"? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we pass chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens.

  [brief silence] 

  George Carlin : See, nobody can do it! You know why? Because chickens are decent people! You don't see chickens running around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen? Doesn't happen. Because chickens are decent people!

• George Carlin : Two reasons I don't vote. First of all, it's meaningless. This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago. This shit they shuffle around every four years? Doesn't mean a fucking thing.

  [cheers and applause] 

  George Carlin : And secondly, I don't vote 'cause I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around, I know; they say... they say "Well, if you don't vote, you have no right to complain." But where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent people and they get into office and screw everything up, well you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem. You voted them in. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand...

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : ...who did not vote... who did not vote... who, in fact, did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain as loud as I want about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with. So, I know a little later on this year, you're gonna have another one of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much. You'll enjoy yourselves, it'll be a lot of fun. I'm sure as soon as the election is over, your country will improve immediately. As for me, I'll be home on that day doing essentially the same thing as you; the only difference is when I get finished masturbating, I'm gonna have a little something to show for it, folks.

• George Carlin : The longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear the phrase "sanctity of life," "sanctity of life." You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.

• [about the nonsensical phrases Americans use] 

  George Carlin : "You know where you can stick it." Well, why do we always assume everyone knows where they can stick it? Suppose you don't know; suppose you're a new guy. You have absolutely no idea where to stick it. I think there ought to be a government booklet entitled "Where to Stick It."

  [pause] 

  George Carlin : Now that I think of it, I believe there *is* a government booklet like that. They send it to you on April 15th.

• George Carlin : What about guys who tell you "I heard that." I heard that. Oh, you did, did you? Well, isn't this exciting? Did I walk into a Belltone commercial? Of course you heard me, you fuckin' nimrod, I'm standing right next to you!

  [audience bursts into laughter] 

  George Carlin : I'm gonna move down here. I'm gonna move a little farther away. BLOW ME! By any chance, did you hear that?

• George Carlin : If you're pre-born, you're fine, if you're pre-schooled, you're fucked. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life, these people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors, what kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do everything they can do save a fetus, but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it?

  George Carlin : Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways that we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it. You know why? Cause chickens are decent people.

  George Carlin : You can go back further than that- what about the carbon atoms, heh? Life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all of this coal?

• George Carlin : What else is troubling me? Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it were an actual event! I don't give a shit! If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday, I would have memorized it years ago! And I'd send him a card, "Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday, Love George". I don't do that. Why? Don't give a shit! Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick! Then break it off and beat him with the rest of him! I hope Mickey dies. I do, I hope he goddamn dies. I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy's pants. Mickey Mouse - no wonder no one takes our country seriously. We waste valuable television time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!

• George Carlin : The next guy who says "Badda-boom badda-bing" to me is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts.

  [pantomimes kicking a guy in the nuts] 

  George Carlin : Badda BOOM, mother fucker! Wanna try "badda bing"?

• George Carlin : Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

• George Carlin : It's like the Riot Act. The Riot Act. They always tell you they're gonna read that to you. Have you heard this thing at all? Like when you're a kid, they threaten you.

  [as scolding mother] 

  George Carlin : "You wait 'til your father gets home. He's gonna read you the riot act!"

  [as small child] 

  George Carlin : "Tell him I already read it myself. And I didn't like it, either; I consider it wordy and poorly thought out. He wants to read me something, how about 'The Gentlemen's Guide to the Golden Age of Blowjobs'?"

• George Carlin : "Out walking the streets." A guy gets a parole, you say "No! Instead of being in prison, this guy is out walkin' the streets!" How do we know?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Maybe the guy's home bangin' the babysitter. Not everyone who gets a parole is out walkin' the fucking streets. A lot of times, they'll steal a car. "Thank God he stole a car! At least he's not out walkin' the streets!"

• George Carlin : This next piece of material is fairly simple. It's called "free floating hostility." Twenty-four minor cultural items I'm bored with, tired of, and pissed at. So I hope you're ready for a little random anger.

  [applause] 

  George Carlin : People who make quote marks in the air with their fingers. "He said he was 'sober'."

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Hey lady: "EAT ME!"

  [laughter] 

• George Carlin : [about Catholics]  They're against abortion and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fuckin' people alone for christ sakes. Here is a entire group of people gaurenteed never to have an abortion.

• George Carlin : I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims. This is an outmoded idea; there are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case.

  [applause] 

  George Carlin : Next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

• George Carlin : Another crime against society: hyphenated names. Hey, lady, pick a fucking name, would you, please? Pick a fucking name. "Hi, I'm Emily Jericor-Fortescue." Hi, I'm George Jerkmeoff-Fuckyoutoo.

• George Carlin : If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

• George Carlin : How come when it's with us, it's an 'abortion', and when it's with chickens it's an 'omelet'?

• George Carlin : And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

• [as a marketing ploy for the death penalty, George proposes performing crucifixions during the weekly Monday Night Football half-time show] 

  George Carlin : Wouldn't you like to see Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a certain angle?

• George Carlin : You see the really hardcore people will tell you that life begins at fertilization. Fertilization when the sperm fertilizes the egg. Which is usually a few moments after the man says "gee, honey. I was gonna pull out, but the phone rang, and it startled me."

• George Carlin : Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

• George Carlin : We made 'em both up, the sanctity of life and the death penalty. Aren't we versatile?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : And you know, in this country now, there are a lot of people who want to expand the death penalty to include drug dealers. This is really stupid. Drug dealers aren't afraid to die. They're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds; drive-bys, gang shootings. They're not afraid to die. Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who afraid to die. Like... the bankers who launder the drug money.

  [laughter, cheers, and applause] 

  George Carlin : The bankers who launder the drug money. Forget the dealers; you wanna slow down that drug traffic, you gotta start executing a few of these fucking bankers. White, middle-class, Republican bankers.

  [more laughter and applause] 

  George Carlin : And... and I'm not talking... I'm not talking about soft American executions like lethal injection. I'm talking about fucking crucifixion, folks!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Let's bring back crucifixions; a form of capital punishment the Christians and Jews of America can really appreciate. And I'd go a little further; I'd crucify people upside down. Like Saint Peter; feet up, head down. And naked. I'd have naked upside down crucifixions on TV once a week at halftime of the Monday Night Football game. Huh? Monday night. The Monday night crucifixions! You'd have people tuning in don't even care about football!

• George Carlin : And I'll guarantee you one thing: you start executing, you start nailing one white banker per week to a big wooden cross on national TV, you're gonna see that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking quick. You wouldn't even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Now, I don't care about capital punishment one way or another, 'cause I know it doesn't do anything. It doesn't do anything, except maybe satisfy a kind of biblical need for revenge. You know, if you read the Bible, you see that it's full of retribution and revenge. So, really, capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual. It's a purification rite; it's a modern sacrament. And as long as that's true, I say let's liven it up a little!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : I honestly believe if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to raise enough money to balance the stupid fucking budget!

  [laughter and applause] 

  George Carlin : Balance the stupid fucking budget! And don't forget, the polls show the American people want capital punishment and they want a balanced budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. Just to feed this illusion that they're really in charge.

• George Carlin : Let's use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this country: to distract people and take their minds off how bad they're being fucked by the upper one percent.

  [cheers and applause] 

  George Carlin : Now... unfortunately... unfortunately, Monday Night Football doesn't last long enough. What we really need is year-round capital punishment, on TV every night, with sponsors. Gotta have sponsors. I'm sure as long as we're killing people, Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow Chemical will be proud to participate.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Proud to participate.

• George Carlin : And let me say this to you, my interesting, Judeo-Christian friends, not only... not only do I recommend crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back beheadings!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Huh? Beheadings on TV? Slow motion, instant replay? And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill, and fall into one of five numbered holes.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Huh? Yeah! Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is gonna fall into.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : And you do it in a stadium so the Mob can gamble on it, too. Raise a little more money. And if you want to expand the violence a little longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using an ax, you do the beheadings with a hand saw!

  [groans and laughter] 

  George Carlin : Hey, don't bail out on me now, God damn it!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : The blood is already on our hands; all we're talking about is a matter of degree. You want something a little more delicate? We'll do the beheadings with an olive fork.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : That would be nice. And it would take a good, God damn long time.

• George Carlin : There's a lot of good things we could be doing. When's the last time we burned someone at the stake?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : It's been too long! There's another form of capital punishment comes out of a nice, rich, religious tradition: burning people at the stake. Sponsor? Richford Charcoal.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings. The Sunday morning evangelical "Send us an offering, praise Jesus" human bonfire.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : You don't think that would get big ratings? In this sick fucking country? Shit, you'd have people skipping church to watch this stuff!

• George Carlin : What about boiling people in oil? Boy, those were the days, weren't they?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : You get the oil going real good, you know? A nice, high, rolling boil, and then slowly at the end of a rope, you lower the perpretrator headfirst into the boiling oil. Huh? You talk about FUN SHIT!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : And just to encourage citizen participation, you let the Mob in the stadium control the speed of the rope. Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment; the kids'll love it. The kids'll love it. And at the same time they're enjoying themselves, we're teaching them a nice Christian moral lesson. Boiling people in oil; sponsor? Crisco!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : And maybe... maybe instead of boiling all these guys, every now and then you could French fry a couple of 'em, you know? French-fried felons; dip a guy in egg batter just for a goof, you know? Kind of a tempura thing, huh? Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this shit, did he?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : No. Jeffrey Dahmer, eat your heart out! Which is an interesting thought in and of itself.

• George Carlin : All right, enough nostalgia. What about some modern forms of capital punishment? How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on wins the Publishers Clearing House?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Okay, something a little more sophisticated: you dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine who's high on angel dust.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : There's one guy that's not gonna be fucking with too many kids at the bus stop for a while. Here's something really nice you could do: you shoot a guy out of a high-speed catapault... right into a brick wall!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Trouble is it would be over too quick; no good for TV, you know? You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Rapid fire capital punishment. Fifteen catapaults; while you're shooting off one, you're loading up the others. Of course, every now and then you would have to stop to clean off the wall.

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Cleanliness. Right next to Godliness.

• George Carlin : All right, high-tech. I sense some of youse are waitin' for high-tech. I got it. You take a small, tactical nuclear weapon and stick it up a guy's ass!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : A thermonuclear suppository!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Preparation H-bomb!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : You talk about fallout, huh? Whoa!

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Or... you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end of a guy's dick, you know?

  [laughter] 

  George Carlin : Yeah! A bomb in a dick! When it goes off, the guy wouldn't know whether he was coming or going!

• George Carlin : [in expressions and sayings]  "Walking papers." You know? Guy gets fired, you say, "Geez, poor guy. They gave him his walking papers today." Did you ever get any walking papers? Seriously? Believe me, in my life, I've gotten fired a lot of times. You can tell. I never got any walking papers. I never got a pink slip either. You know what I would get? A guy would walk around to my desk and say, "Get the fuck out of here!"

  [applause] 

  George Carlin : You don't need paper for that.

• George Carlin : Even with the stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don't practice it. We don't practice it. Look at what we've kill: mosquitoes and flies, 'cause they're pests! Lions and tigers, 'cause it's fun! Chickens and pigs, 'cause we're hungry! Pheasants and quails, 'cause it's fun! And we're hungry. And people! We kill people, 'cause they're pests! And it's fun!

• [Carlin is trying to come with a way to balance the budget, by removing the country's more annoying citizens, including violent criminals] 

  George Carlin : Here's what you do with these Emmy Award winners: you take the entire state of Kansas. You move everybody out. You give them a couple hundred dollars for their inconvenience, you know? Gotta be fair. And then, you move them out, you put a big ten-story electric fence around Kansas, and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals. No parole, no police, no supplies. The only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition so they can communicate in a meaningful way. Then you put the whole thing on cable TV: The Violence Network; VNN! And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those companies that loves to smear its logo feces all over the landscape. Budweiser will jump at this shit in half a minute.