Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly (2000 TV Special)

Dave Chappelle: Self

Quotes 

• David Chappelle : You'll be walking down the street and you'll see a bunch of black dudes walking, not just any old black dudes, we're talking 'thugs'. And in the group, they got one, or two, sometimes as many as three white guys with them, you ever seen that shit? Well let me tell you something about those white guys. Those white guys are the most dangerous motherfuckers in them groups. it's true, man. there's no telling what kind of crazy shit they've done to get them black dudes respect, but i'll tell you they've done some wild shit.

• David Chappelle : They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, "Oscar you are so mean! Isn't he kids?", "Yeah Oscar! Your a grouch!", its like "BITCH! I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASHCAN!"

• David Chappelle : Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

  [whacks the microphone on the stand] 

  David Chappelle : Oh my god. Open and shut case, Johnson. I saw this once when I was a rookie. Apparently this nigger broke in and put up pictures of his family everywhere.'

• David Chappelle : I was taken to the ghetto once, that's the worst when you're taken and you're not expecting to go. Usually you want to know when you're going to the ghetto, like, "I'm gonna see some wild shit, I gotta prepare myself to see something crazy." When you're taken its different. I had a limousine driver, it was after the show, at like 3 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he's a nice guy, talking to me and shi'. He's like, "Where you from, dog? DC? Word. That's a rough city, man." And his cellphone started ringing, he's like, "Hold one one second. Hello? Oh, what's up nigga? What? What the fuck, slow down, what? What the fuck? No! No! No! Fuck it, I'm on my way!"

  [Boop] 

  David Chappelle : "Hey, I gotta make a stop real quick." At 3 o'clock in the morning, and I didn't know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, see gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store, where the fuck you taking me? This don't look good. He didn't say shit. He just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project. I've never been there before, I'm not sure if it was a project, it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A fucking crackhead ran this way, tktktktktktk! Then another one jumped out of a tree and shit, tktktk! The guy said, "I'll be right back," and left me. Took the keys with him and just left me. At 3 o'clock in the morning, in front of a project, in a fucking limousine. This was not good. I was like, "I gotta look around, find some landmarks, see if I can figure out where I'm at. I might have to escape on foot." Now this is when I know I'm in a bad neighborhood, you only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, this was 3 o'clock in the morning. I looked out the window, and there was a fucking baby standing on the corner. And the baby didn't even look scared, he was just standing there. And it made me sad you know, because I wanted to help the baby. I was like, "Mm mm I don't trust you either, click! clllick! The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that shit. But where is this limousine driver?" As time goes by I start feeling worse, I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me, I'm scared of a baby! But this baby could be in trouble, he may need my help. I gotta do something." But I wasn't gonna get out of the car. I'm serious, man. I just cranked the window open a little bit. "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the fuck are you doing up?" The baby says, "I'm selling weed, nigga!"

• David Chappelle : All I'll say about Elian is thank God he's Cuban. 'Cause if he was Haitian you'd've never heard about his ass. If Elian Gonzales was Elian Mumumbo from Haiti, they would've pushed that little rubber tube right back in the water. "Sorry little fella, all full. Good luck!"

• David Chappelle : Then they had the nerve to put a pimp on there. Now, they didn't go out and say he was a pimp. I know a pimp when I see one. They called him, "The Count". He had a cape on and everything. On the show you see him pimping. "Bitch, where is my money. You've been late 4 times, I've been counting. How many times must I smack you before you act right. "*Smack*One, *Smack*Two, Two smacks, ha,ha,ha,ha,ha."

• David Chappelle : [later]  "Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you." He goes, "Fuck you, nigga. I got kids to feed!"

• David Chappelle : I was on the road and in one club I seen a thing they called... a thong contest.

  Audience member : YES!

• David Chappelle : Have you ever had something happen to you that was so racist that you didn't even get mad? You were just like "Goddamn, that was racist!" It was so blatent, you were just like "Wow!" Like it didn't even happen to you, it was like a fucking movie. Like you was watching Mississippi Burning. That happened to me. I was in Mississippi doing a show and I go to the resturant to order some food and I say to the guy "I would like to have" and before I even finished my sentence, he said "THE CHICKEN!" What the fuck? I could not believe it. This man was absolutely right. I said "how did he know that I was gonna get some chicken?" I asked him "how'd you know that? How'd you know I was gonna get some chicken?" He looked at me like I was crazy. "Come on, buddy. Come on, buddy! Now, everybody knew soon as you walked through the goddamn door you're gonna get some chicken. It is no secret down here that blacks and chickens are quite fond of one another." Then I finally understood what he was saying and I got upset. I wasn't even mad, I was just upset. I wasn't ready to hear that shit. All these years I thought I liked chicken because it was delicious, turns out I'm genetically predisposed to liking chicken.

• David Chappelle : Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

• David Chappelle : [regarding a cokehead president]  Mr. President! Stop sucking the ambassador's dick!

• David Chappelle : Remember viewers, some of this language is disturbing.

  David Chappelle : Hello, emergency.

  David Chappelle : HELP. HELP MOTHERFUCKER, THEY COMING TO GET ME.

  David Chappelle : Now, just come down sir. Where are you?

  David Chappelle : Oooohhh. Oh, I shit on myself. I can't stop crying.

  David Chappelle : They play that shit 30 or 40 times a day. Man, you see your buddies at your funeral. You know Dave shit on himself before he died. Saw it on the news, died crying like a bitch.

  David Chappelle : I be dead, I can't defend myself. That's not a nice thing to do. That's not a nice thing to do. No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.

  David Chappelle : Hello, emergency. Hi. Hey 911 how are you? Yeah, aaahh. Look. There's a group of hooded white men gathering outside my house. And it looks like they mean business. "Get out here nigger." I gotta go. You guys try and hurry.

• David Chappelle : You see my nephew laughing.

  David Chappelle : Hehehehe... see sometimes you gotta take the pussy like Pepe.

  David Chappelle : I would be like, "No, no, nooooo..."