Punch-Drunk Love (2002)
Adam Sandler: Barry Egan
Photos
Quotes
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Barry : I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are.
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Barry : I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.
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Barry : And bye-bye. And bye-bye, you fuckin'... And bye-bye! You stupid motherfucker...
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Dean Trumbell : Now get the fuck out of here, pervert!
Barry : Didn't I warn you?
Dean Trumbell : Th... That's that!
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Barry : [out of breath to his love Lena] Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?
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Barry : I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me 'that's that' before I beat the hell from you. I have so much strength in me you have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine. I would say 'that's that', Mattress Man.
Dean Trumbell : You came all the way from LA to tell me this?
Barry : Yes, I did.
Dean Trumbell : Tell the cops?
Barry : No.
Dean Trumbell : All right. That's that.
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Dean Trumbell : SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut up; will you SHUTUP SHUTUP! SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUTUP... SHUTUP! NOW
[beat]
Dean Trumbell : Are you threatening me, dick?
Barry : Why don-...
[double beat]
Barry : Y' GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Dean Trumbell : oh y-...
[clears throat angrily]
Dean Trumbell : yo-... FUCK
[lowers tone]
Dean Trumbell : did you just saaay go fuck myself?
Barry : [nervously] ... yes, i did
Dean Trumbell : That wasn't good, you're DEAD!
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Barry : I'm sorry. I forgot to shave.
Lena : Your face is so adorable. Your skin and your cheek. I want to bite it. I want to bite your cheek and chew on it, it's so fucking cute.
Barry : I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty.
Lena : I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.
Barry : Okay. This is funny. This is nice.
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Restaurant Manager : Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.
Barry : [nervously] Yeah.
Restaurant Manager : Did you do it?
Barry : No.
Restaurant Manager : You didn't just smash up the bathroom?
Barry : No.
Restaurant Manager : Well, who did?
Barry : [pretends to think] I don't know.
Restaurant Manager : Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry : I cut myself.
Restaurant Manager : How?
Barry : On my knife.
[beat]
Barry : What? What?
Restaurant Manager : Sir, your hand is bleeding.
Barry : I know.
Restaurant Manager : I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry : Yeah, but I didn't do anything.
Restaurant Manager : Sir, I've got no way to prove you've smashed up the bathroom.
Barry : I didn't do that. I didn't.
Restaurant Manager : Look, I'm gonna have to ask you to go.
Barry : Okay, I didn't...
Restaurant Manager : I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Barry : All right, please don't do this to me.
Restaurant Manager : Sir, I'm gonna call the police.
Barry : All right. Look, can I just stay?
Restaurant Manager : Sir, I'm gonna crack your fucking head open. Get out of here.
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Barry : I have to get more pudding for this trip to Hawaii. As I just said that out loud I realize it sounded a little strange but it's not.
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Barry : Let's just keep it between you and I, if that's possible.
Lena : Sure, sure.
Barry : [looks around] Healthy Choice and American Airlines got together and put this promotion: If you buy any 10 Healthy Choice products, they will reward you with 500 frequent flier miles; with this special coupon, they'll up it to 1,000 miles. So, I think they are trying to push their teriyaki chicken which is $1.79, but I went to the supermarket and I looked around and I saw that they had - pudding for 25¢ a cup, comes in packages of four. But insanely - the barcodes are on the individual cups! So, a quarter a cup, say you bought $2.50 worth. That's worth 500 miles - with the coupon it's 1,000 miles. It's a marketing mistake but I'm taking advantage of it. If you were to spend $3,000, that would get you a million frequent flier miles. You would never have to pay for a ticket the rest of your life.
Lena : So, you - you bought all that pudding so that you could get frequent flier miles?
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Barry : At that restaurant, I beat up the bathroom. I'm sorry.
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Barry : My sister's a liar. I have to go to the bathroom.
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[first lines]
Barry : Yes, I'm still on hold.
Operator Carter : And what was this?
Barry : I'm looking at your advertisement for the airline promotion and giveaway.
Operator Carter : Ah, the 10 for 1 mile plan...
Barry : Yeah, it's hard to understand, because it says "in addition to". But I can't exactly understand in addition to what? Because there's actually nothing to add to.
Operator Carter : I think that's a typo then.h
Barry : Okay, so just to clarify - I'm sorry - 10 purchases of any of your healthy choice products equals 500 miles, and with the coupon, the same purchase would value 1000 miles?
Operator Carter : That's it.
Barry : Well, do you realize that the monetary value of this promotion and the prizes is potentially worth more than the purchases?
Operator Carter : I don't know.
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Elizabeth : Where you want her number for.
Barry : Don't do this to me.
Elizabeth : Where you want her number for.
Barry : All i want is her number, can you help me out.
Elizabeth : Tell me why.
Barry : There's no reason for you to treat me this way. You're killing me. You're killing me with the way you are towards me.
Elizabeth : My God.
Barry : All i want is the fucking number, that should be goddamn good enough for you. Now gimme the fucking number.
Elizabeth : Oke.
Barry : You fucking hear me.
Elizabeth : Yes.
Barry : I'm sick of this fucking shit.
Elizabeth : Barry...
Barry : Stop fucking treating me this way and gimme the fucking number. I'll fucking kill you, you want that.
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Barry : I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem.
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Barry : You can go to places in the world with pudding. That's funny.
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Barry : [to himself] What am I looking for? What am I looking for? Tell me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me... Pudding.
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Phone Sex Sister : [Barry dials into phone sex line] Oh, hello there guy!
Barry : Hi, look, this is Barry...
Phone Sex Sister : [Voicemail recording continues...] You had almost reached me, but not quite. I'm in the other room shaving my roommate's pussy right now... so I'm a bit distracted. But if you leave me your name and your home phone number... area code first please... I'll be sure to call you back as soon as I'm done.
Barry : Yes, this is Barry Egan, I am calling in regards of what took place the other night... I just wanted to tell everybody I know it was not fair what you did to me... and I am expecting my money back. I realize you have my home phone number... I'm away on vacation right now, if you guys wanna reach me... shortly I will be home and we can discuss how you can return my money. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure that the Police can be contacted and I could do that... and I feel like it's warranted, so let's figure something out! Like I said, I'll be home shortly, give me a call. Ok, thank you.
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Barry : Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go out of town. I'm gonna go out of town for two days.
Lance : Where are you going, Barry?
Barry : I have to go to Hawaii, but you can't tell my sisters.
Lance : [overlapping] You're going to Hawaii?
Barry : Yeah, don't tell my sisters though.
Lance : [overlapping] That's so wonderful, you're going to Hawaii!
Barry : [overlapping] Just make sure you don't tell my sisters.
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Lena : I'm going to Hawaii on Friday.
Barry : [excited] Hawaii? I was thinking about going there!
Lena : [excited] Really?
Barry : [excited] I was thinking about going there on business!
Lena : [excited] Well, if YOU're gonna go...
Barry : [serious] I'm probably not gonna go though...
Lena : Oh, that's... that's too bad, cause... it's SO great over there, and if you were there we could say... hello to each other or something...
Barry : [in a single breath] Yes-that-would-be-great-but-I'm-not-exactly-sure-I-have-so-much-going-on-here-a-lot-depends-on-this-thing-if-it-happens-I-won't-be-able-to-go-but-if-it-doesn't-happen-I-might-be-able-to... I probably won't though.
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Barry : Teryaki chicken. Tery... aki chicken. Soup? Soup... soup... Chicken noodle...? Cookies. Pudding. PUDDING!
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Barry : And this is confidential?
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Barry : Just wanted to tell you fellas that we just received a very large order from the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. We will be supplying each and every one of their bathrooms with the dice and money funger. So, these babies are really flying.
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Kathleen : Hi! How are you? We were just talking about you. Remember when we used to call you 'gay boy'? You'd get all mad.
Barry : What's that?
Kathleen : We used to call you 'gay boy'. Remember, you'd be fine and then we'd call you 'gay boy' and you just freak out.
Susan : We were calling you gay and you got so mad you through the hammer through the sliding glass door. You remember!
Barry : I don't remember that.
Susan : Yes, you do. We were calling you 'gay boy' and you got so mad. Are you gay now?
Barry : I don't know. I don't know.
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Phone Sex Sister : Are you stroking it?
Barry : No.
Phone Sex Sister : What are you doing then?
Barry : I'm talking to you.
Phone Sex Sister : With your pants off?
Barry : No, my pants are on.
Phone Sex Sister : I'm only wearing a T-shirt and panties.
Barry : Really?
Phone Sex Sister : Yeah, really. And I'm looking at my shaved pussy in the mirror. Do you want to know what I look like?
Barry : Doesn't matter.
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Phone Sex Sister : Are you stroking it yet, baby?
Barry : No, I'm not.
Phone Sex Sister : Is your cock hard?
Barry : I don't know what it's doing right now.
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Phone Sex Sister : What are you doing tonight?
Barry : Nothing. What are you doing?
Phone Sex Sister : I am laying on my bed.
Barry : Where are you?
Phone Sex Sister : I'm in my bedroom.
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Phone Sex Sister : I'm about 5 foot 8, 34-28-34. My friends say I'm gorgeous.
Barry : Really?
Phone Sex Sister : Yeah, really. What about you?
Barry : That doesn't matter.
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Barry : I was listening to these morning DJs this morning. They always have couples that call in and - and talk about their problems. And this DJ Justice - this morning DJ that I really like - and they were talking about pictures, about yearbook pictures and how nobody's happy with the way they look in their pictures. And I just love this guy because he tells it the way it is. He's, you know, he's not a phony. And this guy calls up and he's talking about his senior quote. So DJ Justice says, "What was your senior quote? What was so great about it?" And he says, "I stole an ancient proverb." And so he says, "Okay." And he, uh, says, "Confusion say..."
[Lena laughs]
Barry : And then DJ Justice, "Confusion or Confucius?" And it was just so comical. But, DJ Justice just cuts you down to size. That's my favorite part of the show. I laugh - I laugh and laugh. Even when I'm alone.
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Barry : [calling the Sheraton Waikiki] Hi, yes. I just called? I think I was connected to the wrong room. I'm looking for a Lena Leonard, and there shouldn't be a man in that room.
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Barry : I better get more pudding.
