Undercover Brother (2002)

Dave Chappelle: Conspiracy Brother

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sistah Girl : Undercover Brother, Conspiracy Brother

  Conspiracy Brother : Hey, how ya doin.

  Undercover Brother : Good mornin!

  Conspiracy Brother : Good morning? Get on the desk, spy in the building! Spy...

  Undercover Brother : Don't touch the fro!

  Conspiracy Brother : Back up off me man!

  Undercover Brother : Back up off me!

  Conspiracy Brother : Let me tell you something about the word "good," brotha. Good is an ancient anglo-saxon word, go-od, meanin the absence of color. I.E. it's all good, which it is, OR Good Will Huntin', meanin, "I'm Huntin' Niggas!" So when you say good morning, what your telling me is "I'm gonna kill yo black ass, first thing in the mornin'!"

• Undercover Brother : Are you telling me there really is a Man'?

  Conspiracy Brother : What do you think? Things don't just happen by accident! Sometimes people - mostly *white* people - make things happen!

  Undercover Brother : So the conspiracies we've believed for all these years are true? The NBA really did institute the three point shot to give white boys a chance?

  Smart Brother : Absolutely!

  Undercover Brother : Then the entertainment industry really *is* out to get Spike Lee?

  Conspiracy Brother : Come on man! Even Cher's won an Oscar! Cher!

  Undercover Brother : Then O.J. really didn't do it?

  [Everyone looks away and mumbles] 

  The Chief : We... we ain't got time for this!

• Undercover Brother : You know what they say, behind every great black man...

  Conspiracy Brother : is the police.

  Undercover Brother : No.

  Smart Brother : A bunch of slow white athletes?

  Undercover Brother : No!

  White She-Devil : A cute butt.

  Undercover Brother : NO!

  Lance : Probable cause.

• Sistah Girl : He had sex with a white girl, that's what!

  Conspiracy Brother : Was it everything I dreamed of?

  Sistah Girl : Excuse me?

  Conspiracy Brother : [beat]  Naw man, you can't be doing that...

• [after witnessing the General's speech] 

  The Chief : Smart Brother, you're so damn smart. Can you tell us what the Hell just happened?

  Smart Brother : Well, uh, I, uh, um...

  The Chief : [mocking him]  Well, um, I, uh... Shut up! If I wanted to hear something stupid, I'd ask his skinny Black Ass!

  Conspiracy Brother : Ha, ha! In your face! Ha! Skinny black... HEY!

• Conspiracy Brother : You know he does have point about that Colonel. I never trusted the Colonel. Slaves cooked that chicken. Aint no white man know anything about herbs and spices and gibblits.

• Conspiracy Brother : Jesus Christ: black man. Babe Ruth: black man. Madonna:... slept with black men.

• Lance : I *feel* black.

  Conspiracy Brother : But you *look* white... don't touch me!

• Undercover Brother : Hi.

  Conspiracy Brother : "Hi"? What you mean "hi"? Like "high yellow wanna be white"? "High" like the *white man* wants to keep us? Wait, you don't smell any weed on me, do you?

  Undercover Brother : Brother, when you get a minute, could I get a list of the words that trigger these fits?

• Conspiracy Brother : Oh, shit! It's Macy Gray with Porkchop Sideburns.

• Conspiracy Brother : That's Right! It's goin' to the streets. Hey y'all! It's revolution up in this Bitch! Set the alarm for Defcon 5! It's on, baby... it's on!

  The Chief : Good work, White She-Devil. Oh, and you in too.

  Conspiracy Brother : What the Fuck? Chief! I've never seen this bitch in my agent classes! I'm still paying the loans off, man! I sleep on a pissy mattress! I ain't got good food to eat! I borough money for my Weed! I quit! That's it. Y'all ain't got Conspiracy Brother Jones to kick around no more! Give me a pillow case... I'm joining the Klan!

• Conspiracy Brother : George Washington Carver made the first computer! Out of a peanut! A PEA-NUT!

• Conspiracy Brother : Smart brother? Am I gonna die?

• Lance : So let me get this straight; whenever a black guy does well, starts wearing Dockers, buys a few Celine Dion records, and sleeps with a White chick, you automatically say he's sold out?

  The Chief : That's enough, Lance!

  Lance : Always trying to shut the white man down.

  Conspiracy Brother : THAT'S RIGHT! That's Right!... Oh, that ain't right.

• Lance : It looks like the Source Awards in here...

  [Conspiracy Brother punches him] 

  Conspiracy Brother : It does now!

• Conspiracy Brother : No, it's once your black there's no turning back.

• Conspiracy Brother : The computer, another idea stolen from the black man.

• Man : Identify yourselfs!

  Conspiracy Brother : I'm with Island Fortress Cleaning Service sir.

  Man : Oh, okay.

  Sistah Girl : Thank you. Your so sweet.

• Conspiracy Brother : Atomic Coré... let's see what this so-called button does...

  Computer voice : Attention! Atomic core set to overload

  Conspiracy Brother : My bad!