Gallagher: Stuck in the Sixties (1983 TV Special)

Gallagher: Self

Quotes 

• Gallagher : The amazing Mastertool Corporation, ace subsidiary of Fly-By-Night Industries, has entrusted who? Me! To show you the handiest and the dandiest kitchen tool you've ever seen, and don't you want to know how it works!

  AUDIENCE : YEAH!

  Gallagher : Well first you get out some ordinary apples. You place the ordinary apples between the patented pans. Then you next get out the tool that is not a slicer, it's not a dicer it's not a chopper in a hopper, what the hell could it possibly be? It is Sledge-O-Matic!

• Gallagher : How many of you are involved in a relationship? Actually, how many of you are married? Married people?

  [audience applauds in response] 

  Gallagher : Oh, okay. You're not involved in a relationship.

• Gallagher : Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!

• Gallagher : I saw a can said Pepsi Free and I said "That means it don't have Pepsi in it. That's a Coke." Hog futures; I heard that. Hogs don't have no future. Bacon is not a career.

• Gallagher : I have so much to say when I'm driving and I only have a horn. A horn don't say enough. A horn just goes, "screeeeeeeew yooooooou!" Right? I want a microphone. A microphone with a speaker on top, like the cops got. You can have 'em, too. Freedom of speech includes volume.

• Gallagher : What is dumber than a blind person with a gun? The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?

• Gallagher : So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say, "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store, get something else, so when your mother comes over she don't see you're still married TO AN IDIOT!

• Gallagher : Now, if this was just a private problem I would not say anything. If this problem was just in your house, I would not poke my nose in but this has now become a public travesty. This is an emidebic. Emidebic?

  [audience laughs] 

  Gallagher : Emidebic is closer to what it is than an epidemic cause this is some shit.

• Gallagher : See, it's frivolous, superfluous products in America. Like scented toilet paper... is the dumbest thing in the world! The only thing you don't have to make smell good cause it's gonna get fucked up. Who is that smell there to impress? My thumb? If you want to impress my thumb, make it thicker in the middle.

• Gallagher : I want you to remember, behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.