Meet the Fockers (2004)
Barbra Streisand: Roz Focker
Photos
Quotes
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[the Fockers' outgoing message]
Bernie Focker : Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?
Roz Focker : I have no idea. Just press a button.
Bernie Focker : All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?
Roz Focker : I thought they give you gas.
Bernie Focker : A little bit, but it's worth it.
Roz Focker : Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes.
Bernie Focker : Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga!
Roz Focker : So make a chimichang...
[beep]
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Jack Byrnes : I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
Greg Focker : It was Barry Poppins.
Jack Byrnes : What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
Roz Focker : Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
Jack Byrnes : It was your idea?
Roz Focker : Yes.
Jack Byrnes : What is wrong with you people?
Bernie Focker : You people?
Dina Byrnes : I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
Jack Byrnes : Yeah! Look what happened to him. Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
Greg Focker : Jack. he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
Jack Byrnes : He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.
Roz Focker : The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
Greg Focker : Mom.
Jack Byrnes : What are you saying?
Roz Focker : I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack, prodigies don't eat there own boogers.
Jack Byrnes : And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time either.
Pam Byrnes : Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
Jack Byrnes : I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
Roz Focker : Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
Jack Byrnes : The Little Jack in me?
[Greg is getting extremely frusrated]
Roz Focker : Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.
Jack Byrnes : Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.
Greg Focker : [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
[everyone is quiet]
Greg Focker : Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
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Greg Focker : Hey, Dad, you shouldn't take Moses into the RV. Jack and Dina have a cat.
Bernie Focker : Oh, Moses is fine. He's perfectly trained.
Greg Focker : Dad, he humps everything that moves.
Roz Focker : [laughing] He's like your father!
Bernie Focker : I never cheated on you!
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Roz Focker : I'm wondering why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest!
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[after the Byrnes' cat flushes the Fockers' dog down the toilet]
Roz Focker : Your cat can flush?
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Roz Focker : How's your sex life?
Dina Byrnes : I can't tell you that!
Roz Focker : I'm a professional. Dina, I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality.
Dina Byrnes : I knew those weren't yoga mats!
Roz Focker : No.
Dina Byrnes : Well, we're not twenty five... anymore.
Roz Focker : But you're not dead either! Lots of couples our age lack intimacy...
Dina Byrnes : I didn't say we weren't intimate, there are special occasions. Anniversaries and... well, on our anniversary.
Roz Focker : Oy, neesh geete!
Dina Byrnes : What?
Roz Focker : Not good!
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Roz Focker : [giving Jack a Hawaiian massage] You are a caged lion! But lions can't be captive their entire lives. They have to be free to roam the bush. Free and wild! Your wife is a hot sexy tigress and she's waiting for you to pounce on her! Let me hear you roar, baby, roar! Your body is talking to me. It's hungry for action! I can feel it. Unleash the beast inside you, Jack!
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Roz Focker : Yeah, and now it's up to 50 Fockers.
Jack Byrnes : 50 Fockers. What could be better?
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Roz Focker : Well you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo, and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level.
Greg Focker : Mm-hmm. Mom, I'm truely not comfortable having this conversation with you.
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Roz Focker : Tell me, what's going on with that man of yours?
Dina Byrnes : Well, Jack's always been a little wound up. His job is very stressful.
Roz Focker : Being a florist is stressful?
Dina Byrnes : There's more to it than people think.
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Judge Ira : Bingo, Bango, Bongo!
Roz Focker : The man is loose, he's limber, and he's ready for action.
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Roz Focker : You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man?
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Roz Focker : Nah, I'm bored. Come on, Dina. You want a Spritzer?
Dina Byrnes : What? Oh, a Spritzer. Sounds yummy.
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Roz Focker : How are things with you and Pam?
Greg Focker : They're great.
Roz Focker : They're great? Because after two years you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly?
Greg Focker : Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, okay?
Roz Focker : Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.
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Roz Focker : I think that baby might need a couple pulls on that knocker of your's, Jack.
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Roz Focker : [about Greg's circumcision ceremony] See that's Greg getting circumcised.
Bernie Focker : We had the ceremony at my parents' house. There was a cold snap and the heat conked out. Tell it.
Roz Focker : The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell.
Greg Focker : You know what, let's not talk about the tiny turtle.
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Roz Focker : I burn cornflakes.
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[Jack and Bernie are arrived at home, looked at Little Jack holding the rum bottle with his glue hands, watching the movie Scarface on TV, shocked]
Bernie Focker : There's someone you don't see every day.
[Moses began to humping on Jinx's back]
Jack Byrnes : Focker! Focker!
[Greg enters with wearing moose antlers and a breast]
Greg Focker : Okay. I know this is bad. But, I can explain.
Jack Byrnes : What the hell happened? I said no monkey business!
[Little Jack began to crying]
Greg Focker : No! There's no monkey business.
Jack Byrnes : No monkey business? You're wearing my breast!
[Moses barking at Jinx, he gets off his back, Jinx hissing at Moses]
Jack Byrnes : Little Jack is drinking, Moses is sodomizing Jinx and you're telling me there's no monkey business? What is going on here?
[turns to Little Jack]
Jack Byrnes : Are you all right, LJ?
[Roz, Pam and Dina enters home]
Roz Focker : Hello, we're home! Hey, guys!
Jack Byrnes : [grabbing the rum bottle] Give me the bottle. Give me the bottle.
Pam Byrnes : Oh, my god. What happened to Little Jack?
Bernie Focker : Looks like his hands has stuck in the bottle of rum.
Greg Focker : Thank you, dad.
Jack Byrnes : You bet, they're stuck.
Pam Byrnes : Greg? How did this happen?
[sees his wearing antlers]
Pam Byrnes : And why are you wearing antlers?
Greg Focker : [takes his antlers off] It's... very complicated.
Roz Focker : [sees the glue] It's just a little glue, he's fine.
Jack Byrnes : He's not fine! If he could use of his hands, he'll tell you by himself!
[to Little Jack]
Jack Byrnes : All right, that's all right. Come on.
[Little Jack continues crying]
Pam Byrnes : Oh, Little Jack. Honey, are you okay? Greg?
Jack Byrnes : Dina? Pam?
Dina Byrnes : Yes, dad. I'm coming.
Pam Byrnes : Little Jack?
Roz Focker : [to Greg] Honey, I said a thimble. Not a bottle.
