Shanghai Knights (2003)

Owen Wilson: Roy O'Bannon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Prostitute : [trying to woo Roy]  I'll give you a discount.

  Roy : That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.

• Roy : Hey, Rathbone! I was just thinking of a title for my new book. "Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy." Or how about "Roy O'Bannon versus the Man who would be Queen?"

• Roy : So what did your dad do? Was he an imperial guard?

  Chon Wang : No, much more important. He was the Keeper of the Imperial Seal.

  Roy : That's what I love about China. Everybody's job description sounds so damn cool!

• Chon Wang : The English are not very friendly.

  Roy : They're just sore losers.

  Chon Wang : What did they lose?

  Roy : A little thing called the American Revolution, Chon.

  Chon Wang : Never heard of it.

  Roy : I'll give you the highlights. They came over with about a million men. We had a bunch of farmers with pitchforks and beat 'em like a drum.

• Roy : Chon, I have a confession to make.

  Chon Wang : You are in love with my sister?

  Roy : Well, that, but I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins.

  Chon Wang : No?

  Roy : Nah. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels. I wrote them.

  Chon Wang : No, Sage McCallister wrote them.

  Roy : That's what I'm saying, buddy. I'm Sage McCallister.

  Chon Wang : You wrote those lies?

  Roy : I've always had low self-esteem.

  Chon Wang : How many books did you print?

  Roy : I self-published probably a million copies. We were actually second to the Bible that year.

• Roy : You got any ideas?

  [looks down] 

  Chon Wang : We jump.

  Roy : Jump?

  [pauses] 

  Roy : You mean fall?

• Chon Wang : Who would leave a pile of stones in the middle of a field?

  Roy : I don't know, Chon, these people are nuts.

• Fagin #1 : Come here, you little rubbish eater! What did I tell you about poncing on our turf, Charlie?

  Charlie Chaplin : I'm on the straight and narrow, honest!

  Fagin #1 : [frisks Charlie and finds Roy's watch]  What's this, then?

  [Charlie rolls his eyes] 

  Fagin #1 : After I'm through beating you, you're gonna wish you *never* ran away from the workhouse!

  Chon Wang : Leave the boy alone!

  Fagin #2 : Bloody tourists. Get your noses out of it!

  Roy O'Bannon : Guys, do whatever you want to the kid, but that's my watch you're holding.

  Fagin #1 : Well, there's a *load* of us and only two of you, so piss off!

  Roy O'Bannon : Easy, fellas. You've lost *one* war this way. Don't make the same mistake twice.

• Roy : That's a terrible name for a detective. Sherlock Holmes?

• Roy : I call that my kung pow chicken.

• Roy : Look at you!

  Chon Wang : Look at you!

  Roy : What brings you to New York?

  Chon Wang : My share of the gold.

  Roy : Refresh my memory. What gold are we talking about?

• Roy : And just to set the record straight... Roy O'Bannon is not attracted to loose women; loose women are attracted to me.

• Roy : I'm a thirty year old waiter/gigolo. Where's the future in that?

• Chon Wang : For father.

  Chon Lin : For father.

  Roy : For Old Man Wang.

• Roy : Hey, Chon, you're lucky I didn't invest in that ridiculous "auto-mobile" idea. Yeah, that's gonna make a lot of money.

• Roy : There's this new thing they're starting out in California: moving pictures. There's no sound, so we won't have to worry about the language problem, and I think the kung fu stuff could be huge! People are dying for a good action flick.

  Chon Wang : Chon Wang...

  [sounds like "John Wayne"] 

  Chon Wang : ...movie star? It could work.

• [Roy sees the eyes in the painting move] 

  Roy : Ah! Chon! Demons!

• Roy : You just smashed my puzzle box. I'll never figure out my message.

• Roy : So what are we gonna do? Come on, think! I'm not going to an English prison. With my feathery blond hair and Chon's athletic build, they'll try to make us the bell of the ball.

• Roy : Lord, help me. Just let me know you're there. Love me, hate me, but let me know you're up there.

  [pause] 

  Roy : Hey, I can see our hotel from here. Wow.

• Roy : Roy, you're about to die. You're on the minute hand of a clock. My life is flashing before my eyes. Wait a minute. I don't remember her.

• [after opening the puzzle box] 

  Roy : It's just a rock with some gibberish on it!

  Chon Wang : It's Chinese!

• Roy : [Seeing the Imperial Seal]  That diamond is as big as a damn monkey's paw.

  Chon Wang : Roy, don't even think about it.

  Roy : Just admiring the craftsmanship, Chon.

• Roy : Just go ahead and drown me! I don't care anymore!

• [Wang is trying to save Roy who is tied up under water. All we can hear are their garbled voices. Subtitles appear on screen] 

  Roy : Where have you been?

  Chon Wang : I was busy.

  Roy : Unbelievable!

  Chon Wang : Patience, Roy.

  Roy : Tell that to the eel swimming up my ass!

• Roy : [to Charlie]  Ever heard of parents? We have parents who love us. You don't, 'cause you're an orphan

• Server : Spotted dick, sir?

  Roy : What?

  Server : Spotted dick?

  Roy : Can you believe this guy? I'm trying to get something to eat and he's asking me if I got the clap.

• Roy : Roy O'Bannon will not go quietly. You hear that, England? Throw whatever you want at me! Your terrible weather! Your perverted killers! Your Spotted Dick!

• Doyle : I think you gentlemen should accompany me back to the Yard.

  [Cut to Roy and Chon in a cell at Scotland Yard] 

  Roy : This isn't a yard! It's a JAIL!

• Chon Wang : We are wasting time.

  Roy : What do you think I've been doing? Sittin' here and drinking expensive hooch?

  [to Charlie] 

  Roy : Boy, refill.

• Chon Wang : Wu Chow!

  Roy : Wu who?

• Chon Wang : If you break her heart, I break your legs.

  Roy : That's fair.

• Roy : [after waking up to a sheep licking his face]  I've just been violated by a barnyard animal, John!

• Chon Wang : Roy! The painting! It's looking at me!

  Roy : Oh yeah, it looks like it's looking at me too. That's great.

• Roy : She's gonna fight my battles for me.

• Chon Wang : Roy! There you are. Need anything, buddy?

  Roy : A whole lot of "leave me alone."

• Roy : Ok, Chon, ya little Chinese otter. Let's play.

• Charlie Chaplin : [reading an invitation]  "Lord Nelson Rathbone requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair celebrating her Majesty's 50th year on the throne."

  Chon Wang : Sounds good.

  Roy : Yeah, it doesn't address the issue of security. They're not just gonna let me and Chon waltz into the castle.

  Charlie Chaplin : All you need is a proper disguise.

  Roy : I do like a good disguise...

• Roy : [as it starts raining]  Oh, this country blows.

• [why Chon should sleep with the woman for money] 

  Roy : Think about your sister in London.

  Chon Wang : What?

• Roy : [about Lin]  Put her down! Put her down!

  Lord Rathbone : Or what, Mr. O'Bannon?

  [American accent] 

  Lord Rathbone : Are you gonna kick my ass?

  [normal voice] 

  Lord Rathbone : I've read about all your ridiculous exploits. I mean, just, how does it feel to kill a mummy with your bare hands? Only a nation of uneducated rednecks would be amused by such cowboy drivel.

  Roy : Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. What's with the personal attacks? You don't see me making any comments about your pasty complexion or your snotty accent, or even your filthy, smutty sex books! Yeah, I saw your book. It disgusted me...

  [Wu Chow whacks him on the side of the head with a cane] 

  Roy : AH! Why is it always the head with you people?

• Roy : [to a palace guard]  The queen, look, the queen! She's mooning us!

• Roy : [in London]  Hey, I'm walking here! You're driving on the wrong side of the road! Bunch of amateurs, these people don't get it!

• Roy : Wait, there's something different about this room.

• Chon Wang : Slow down, slow down!

  Roy : I'm a bat out of hell! Besides, I don't know where the brake is.

• Roy : Can I tell you something?

  Chon Wang : What?

  Roy : This is a hell of a damn adventure we're on and I'm having an absolute ball with you.

• [to Charlie] 

  Roy : I am gonna break your neck.

• Roy : Why did you let us out?

  Charlie Chaplin : Why did you give up the seal?

  Roy : Because I'm a fool.

  Charlie Chaplin : I guess I'm a fool, too.

• Roy : We come from America. You might have heard of it? We run your jerkwatter country.

• Roy : I see a lot of myself in that kid. It's kinda freakin' me out.

• Roy : You decadent Philistine!

• Roy : I'm guessing by your hasty retreat, that you're still 20th in line for the throne.

  Lord Rathbone : [irritated]  10th!

• Roy : [line in outtakes]  And, Jackie? I'm not Roy O'Bannon.

• Chon Wang : It's a puzzle box. I don't know how to open it.

  Roy : What do you mean, you don't know how to open it? You just get a hammer and smash it open so you can see what it says.

  Chon Wang : No. I must have patience. By the time I'm able to open it, I will be ready to read the message.

  Roy : Oh, come on, Confucius, that's the corniest thing I've ever heard!

• Roy : I'm gettin' ready to launch a little thing called operation sweep her off her feet.

• Roy : [to Chon Lin]  You have a GREAT body. There! I said it! It's out in the open!

• Roy : Ooooh... You think you're so cool with your karate... and your child-like reflexes!

• Chon Wang : I look like a fool.

  Roy : What? You're a Maharajah! That's Indian royalty!

  Chon Wang : But I'm Chinese.

  Roy : It's the same thing.

• Chon Lin : [after kissing Roy]  Be careful.

  Roy : Tell Rathbone to be careful!

• Chon Wang : What do you see?

  Roy : He just pulled a fancy dragon key out of his desk.

  Chon Wang : That was my father's! I must avenge his honor.

  Roy : Slow down, Tiger. Slow down. Quit going all Chinese on me.

• Roy : Damnit, Chon. Remember your puzzle box. Patience, patience!

• Doyle : You look ridiculous.

  Roy : I think we look good.

• Doyle : It's hopeless. We'll never get past the guards.

  Roy : Well, not with that attitude, we won't.

• Roy : Well, what's in it for you?

  Lord Rathbone : Your looking at the future king of England.

  Roy : You're, like, 20th line to the throne.

  Lord Rathbone : 10th. But my friend here is about to change all that.

• Charlie Chaplin : Did you just take the last Chocolate?

  Roy : Of course I did. You gotta look out for number one, kid.

• Roy : Hold it right there, Rathboner!

• Roy O'Bannon : [eats a sausage]  This is good. I thought the food here was supposed to suck!

  Server : The haggis is fresh from Scotland, sir. It's made from the *finest* sheep's bladders.

  Roy O'Bannon : [spits it out and gags]  I gotta get some whiskey and wash my mouth out.

• Roy : Artie, Lin is not a killer. She's just a really, really, really hot, confused, Chinese girl.

• Chon Wang : Wu Chow.

  Roy O'Bannon : Wu who?

  Chon Lin : He's the Emperor's bastard brother.

  Chon Wang : He was banished from the Forbidden City for trying to steal the Imperial Seal.

  Chon Lin : After Father caught him, he vowed to return to claim the Emperor's tomb.

  Roy O'Bannon : This guy?

• Chon Wang : There's a woman in there! She wants me to sleep with her!

  Roy O'Bannon : Of course she does. I told her the Great Wall ain't the *only* big thing coming out of China.

  Chon Wang : Why did you say that?

  Roy O'Bannon : So you can get the money.

  Chon Wang : I will *not* sleep with women for money!

  Roy O'Bannon : Why? I'm gonna sleep with *her* for money.

  [shows Chon the woman in his bed] 

  Roy O'Bannon : Chon, just go in there and do your business, and think about your sister in England.

  Chon Wang : What?

• [Chon and Roy enter the lobby; Roy whistles, then gasps and drags Chon back around the corner] 

  Roy O'Bannon : [whispering]  Cops, cops.

  Chon Wang : They can help us.

  Roy O'Bannon : No, no, no, no, Chon! Chon, not these cops. These are dirty cops. They take advantage of people. Now, if they stop us, remember, I'm *not* Roy O'Bannon.

  Chon Wang : [confused]  Who *are* you?

  Roy O'Bannon : I'm your friend, Smokey Desperado from the West.

  Chon Wang : And who am *I*?

  Roy O'Bannon : You? You're Benny Hana.

  Chon Wang : Benny Hana.

  Roy O'Bannon : Yeah, you teach, uh, you teach crippled children yoga here in the city.

  [pushes Chon forward] 

  Roy O'Bannon : OK, you go first.

  Chon Wang : [struggles]  No! Why me?

  Roy O'Bannon : Because you blend in, OK?

  [Chon looks down at his clothes] 

  Roy O'Bannon : Now, go. Don't let 'em see you!

  Chon Wang : [covers his face with his hat, walks a few steps and looks back at Roy; points to himself]  Benny Hana.

  [Roy gives a thumbs up]