The Italian Job (2003)

Seth Green: Lyle

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Quotes 

• Lyle : [Handsome Rob approaches Becky, the cable technician, in the parking garage. Lyle watches, amazed]  Are you kidding me? How does he do that? How do you do that? What are you saying?

  [Lyle narrates the conversation with alternating Handsome Rob and ditzy female voices] 

  Lyle : [speaking as Handsome Rob]  Hey, how are you?

  Lyle : [speaking as Becky]  Oh, I'm good!

  Lyle : [as Handsome Rob]  Nice to meet you. I'm Handsome Rob. And you are?

  Lyle : [as Becky]  Oh, my name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!

  Lyle : [as Handsome Rob]  Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck.

  Lyle : [as Becky]  Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?

  Lyle : [as Handsome Rob]  If it's on the menu.

  Lyle : [as Becky]  Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?

  Lyle : [as Handsome Rob]  Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?

  Lyle : [as Becky]  No.

  Lyle : [as Handsome Rob]  Perfect!

• Lyle : [seeing the name "Becky" on the cable-girl's uniform; specifically on her left breast]  Becky, huh? Nice name. I wonder what she calls the other one...

  Handsome Rob : [sarcastically, jokingly]  And it's such a mystery why you don't have a girlfriend, Lyle.

• Lyle : [typing into his computer]  They are about to hit a major detour and be sent your way.

  [presses a button. A traffic light at one intersection turns green. Lyle then presses another button, turning the opposite light green. With both directions having greens, one car ends up sideswiping the back of another one. Lyle watches the crash, and says] 

  Lyle : Oops.

  [He presses a different button. Another light turns green. Two cars collide and pancake together, sliding into a parked car. Lyle types into his computer] 

  Lyle : You'll... never... shut down... the *real*... Napster.

  [At the traffic control center, the message "YOU'LL NEVER SHUT DOWN THE REAL NAPSTER" appears across all of the video monitor screens. The scene changes to various clips of gridlock across the city] 

• Charlie Croker : We set?

  Lyle : Yeah. I've enhanced the viewing matrix to track both the Cartesian coordinates and three altitude angles to give the exact position and orientation of our baby.

  Left Ear : We're in Italy. Speak English.

• [Lyle arrives on his motorcycle. He has trouble on the bike, though] 

  Charlie Croker : [when meeting Charlie's crew for the first time]  That's Lyle. He's my computer genius. You know he's who really invented Napster? At least that's how Lyle tells it. Said Shawn Fanning was his roommate in college and stole his idea.

  [We see a flashback of Fanning stealing a Floppy disk from a napping Lyle] 

  Charlie Croker : I think it's his first time riding that bike, though.

  Lyle : Hey.

  [Lyle falls over] 

  Charlie Croker : You okay?

  Lyle : Yeah.

  [a car drives up behind him] 

  Charlie Croker : That's Left Ear. Demolition and explosives. When he was ten, he put one too many M-80s in the toilet bowl.

  [Cuts to the exterior of a toilet stall. Suddenly the door bursts open from an explosion. The toilet is spraying a fountain of water up] 

  Kid On Left : Damn, that was cool. How did you do that?

  Young Left Ear : What?

  Kid On Right : How did you do that?

  Young Left Ear : WHAT?

  Kid On Right : I said, "how did you do that?"

  Young Left Ear : What?

  [Flashback to present] 

  Charlie Croker : Lost the hearing in his right ear. He's been blowing stuff up ever since.

  [a car zooms in from behind Charlie and Stella] 

  Charlie Croker : Handsome Rob. Premier wheel man. Once drove all the way from Los Angeles just so he could set the record for longest freeway chase.

  [Cuts to Rob being chased down the freeway by a massive armada of police cars] 

  Charlie Croker : You know he got 110 love letters sent to his jail cell from women who saw him on the news?

  [We see two women hanging a banner on a bridge saying "We heart you, Rob."] 

• Lyle : [after realizing how much money they have stolen]  Woo. Yeah.

  [pauses] 

  Lyle : I got the Holy Spirit... You should get on it... It's a good train.

• Lyle : [referring to Sean Parker]  And then he's just the media darling... He's on the cover of all the magazines, I should of been on the cover of Wired Magazine. You know what he said? He said he named it "Napster" because it was his nickname because of the nappy hair under the hat. But he, it's because I was NAPPING when he STOLE it from me! He didn't even graduate!

  Handsome Rob : I think it's time to move on, don't you? They shut him down, I wish they would do the same to you.

• Lyle : [while in their warehouse]  You want all greens? 'Cause, ah, 'cause you got 'em.

  [chuckles] 

  Charlie Croker : What have you got?

  Lyle : Welcome to L.A.'s Automated Traffic Surveillance and Control Operations Center. See, they use video feeds from intersections and specifically designed algorithms to predict traffic conditions, and thereby control traffic lights. So all I did was come up with my own... kick ass algorithm to sneak in, and now we own the place.

  Charlie Croker : You want to do a dry run?

  Lyle : [singsong]  I thought you'd never ask.

• Lyle : [about Stella getting into Steve's house and finding the location of the safe by impersonating a Netcom employee]  You think Stella can pull it off?

  Handsome Rob : I have my doubts... but there's no talking to Charlie

  Lyle : [in an accent]  What, you theenk he's meexing beesness with plezore?

  Handsome Rob : He should know better. Only "I'm" allowed to do that.

• Charlie Croker : [trailer only]  You ready to create the biggest traffic jam in the history of Los Angeles?

  Lyle : I'm so ready.

• Lyle : [to Rob]  Wow, that is a nice car. Sorry Rob.

• Lyle : [tell the other what he's planning to do with his share of the gold]  I'm getting a NAD T770 digital decoder with 70-watt amps and Burr-Brown DACs.

  Left Ear : [confused]  Yeah...

  Lyle : It's a big stereo. Speakers so loud, they blow women's clothes off!

  Handsome Rob : Now you're talking!

• [Lyle isn't answering Charlie's calls] 

  Handsome Rob : He only answers to "The Napster" now, Charlie

  Charlie Croker : Oh, no. I am not calling you The Napster.

  Lyle : Why not? You call him Left Ear.

  Left Ear : Well, I am.

  Lyle : And him Handsome Rob.

  Charlie Croker : Well, that's because he is Handsome Rob!

  Lyle : Well you can call me The Napster.

• Lyle : [looking at his name on their new ID's]  James Hymen? Come one, just once give me a cool name!

  Left Ear : A hundred and forty pounds? Try one sixty five!

  Handsome Rob : Try lifting some weights!

  [as everyone is leaving Lyle still notices his bike is still laying on the ground] 

  Lyle : Hey, Charlie?

  Charlie Croker : Handsome? Think you can help him with his bike?

  Left Ear : Yeah, help Knievel set up for his next jump!

• Stella Bridger : Yeah, but so how do we get the gold from the vault to the getaway car.

  Charlie Croker : How wide is the hallway... Napster?

  Lyle : Six feet.

  Handsome Rob : Okay, you've got your gold.

• Lyle : [after he causes a traffic jam]  Oops. Wow, did I...? Oops! But it's awesome. Is that not awesome?

  Charlie Croker : Can you change it back?

• Lyle : [watching his screen]  Metro just passed the station. You are clear for ninety seconds. Go!

  [the three MINIs all turn and drive along the sidewalks, dodging pedestrians] 

  Charlie Croker : Come on, Steve.

  [the three MINIs make a left turn and travel down the stairs into the 7th and Metro station. They dodge commuters inside the mezzanine area] 

  Lyle : Thirty seconds and counting.

  [They turn onto the platform, as a Blue Line train comes into the station] 

  Lyle : Fifteen seconds, you're blocked in or you're paint on the train.

  Left Ear : Go, go, go, go!

  [They accelerate past a number of baffled Blue Line passengers inside the train] 

  Charlie Croker : Stay right on me. This is gonna be tight.

  [He jumps his MINI in the tight space between the train and the wall. Stella follows. Left Ear produces some sparks as he makes the jump] 

  Left Ear : Go-go-go-go-go-go!

  Lyle : You're gonna stop right... there.

  [he presses a button and chuckles to himself. The train comes to a stop at the end of the platform, and the overhead lines lose power. The entire train goes dark] 

• Left Ear : Okay, party people. Here's the status. There's an anti-scaling fence, hardened electro-plated steel. Yeah, I'll have to paint that up with some nitromon.

  Charlie Croker : Security on the property?

  Left Ear : An armed guard, here. A little rent-a-cop with a nine millimeter on his hip. But that booth, security booth looks prime for a chemical grenade.

  Lyle : Nitromon? Chemical grenades? That stuff's pretty hard to come by.

  Left Ear : Yeah, Lyle, it's a bear market. Shit!

• Lyle : [referring to Steve]  Charlie, he's flying the coop.

  Handsome Rob : When?

• Lyle : I am The Napster.

• John Bridger : I want to propose a toast. To us!

  Charlie Croker , Lyle , Left Ear , Handsome Rob , Steve : Yeah!

• Lyle : So, what does a man with 35 million dollars worth of gold do at night? He watches his big-ass TV.

• Lyle : Houston, we have our truck.

• Lyle : Okay, guys, truck 1-2-8 has turned right heading west.

  Charlie Croker : Gridlock time.

• Lyle : You think Stella can pull it off?

  Handsome Rob : I have my doubts. There's no talking to Charlie, though.

  Lyle : You think he's - mixing business with pleasure?

  Handsome Rob : He should know better. Only I'm allowed to do that.