Masked and Anonymous (2003)

John Goodman: Uncle Sweetheart

Photos 

Quotes 

• Uncle Sweetheart : I'm only human.

  Jack Fate : I know, it ain't easy being human.

• Uncle Sweetheart : [to Jack Fate]  You look good. You got the "jail pale". It suits you.

• Uncle Sweetheart : It's a bitched up world Jack, the only way to protect ourselves is by goin' mad.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Who's talking to you?

  Bobby Cupid : Common sense! The voices in my head. I mean screw this so-called concert, Jack. Let's disappear for a while, let's go to the South Seas, let's go where Gauguin went and just...

  Uncle Sweetheart : [grabs Bobby]  I don't know which one of these voice is coming out of your head, but tell it to shut the fuck up! And Gauguin was a stockbroker.

• Nina Veronica : Nobody knows who Jack Fate is anymore. Nobody cares. I mean, he doesn't make records. He doesn't go on tour. He doesn't do interviews. He doesn't do anything!

  Uncle Sweetheart : He doesn't have to! He's a legend. Does Jesus have to walk on water twice to make a point?

• Uncle Sweetheart : It's a bitched up world, Jack. The only way we can protect ourselves is by going mad.

• Uncle Sweetheart : You got any idea what this song is about?

  Bobby Cupid : Yeah, it's about trying to get to heaven. You got to know the route before you start out.

  Uncle Sweetheart : No, it's not about that at all. What strikes you about the song is the 'Jekyll and Hyde' quality. The song is written from Hyde's point of. view. That's what you like. It's about doing evil and trying to kill your conscience - if you can. It's not like those other songs of his. The ones about faithless women and booze and brothels and the cruelty of society. It's not like those. This one's right up your alley. It's about doing good by manipulatin' the forces of evil. It's just like you.

• Uncle Sweetheart : They want you to sing that song "Revolution". You know, that Beatles song. The slow version - the in-and-out one.

  Jack Fate : "Revolution." What else do they want me to play?

  Uncle Sweetheart : I got the playlist right here. Let's see, where's my glasses? Okay, here we go: "Revolution", "Street Fightin' Man", "Won' t Get Fooled Again", "Cellblock #9", "Ohio", "Eve of Destruction", "Kick out the Jams." You can do all those.

  Jack Fate : I don't know, Sweetheart. Sounds like a lot of songs.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Okay listen, Uncle Sweetheart is organizing a benefit concert. A benefit concert - to help the real victims of the revolution. However, I will be personally siphoning the majority of the funds into the kitty of the fattest cat of all. Me! And you gentlemen will be paid in full.

  Percy : When?

  Uncle Sweetheart : Definitely in this lifetime.

  Blunt : Look, you got the money or not?

• Percy : Shut up!

  Uncle Sweetheart : I can't. As long as I keep talking, I know I'm still alive.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Oh, it's the dark princes, the democratic republicans. Working for a barbarian who can scarcely spell his own name. Hey, the only thing more pleasant than seeing you would be seeing the grim reaper himself. You gentlemen are about to make a hideous choice. You two are pitiable figures weeping with blood, and it' s gonna be your blood. Are you aware gentlemen, that this is all a play?

• Uncle Sweetheart : He's virtually free. Who else can you say that about?

  Nina Veronica : Virtually free? No one is virtually free. You're either free or you're *not* free. You know, if he's gonna play this concert, then he's gonna play exactly what we tell him.

• Nina Veronica : So, now tell me, are we screwed or are we not screwed?

  Uncle Sweetheart : I'm not. Are you? I don't think you are getting screwed, that's your problem.

  Nina Veronica : Yeah, yeah. I can't believe you're gonna to turn this disaster into a seduction.

• Nina Veronica : So, where's my headliner? Huh? I just got off the phone with the network. They want something to promote. They *need* something to promote. They have some questions about your ability to perform services due.

  Uncle Sweetheart : And I suppose you told 'em I was a total showbiz stud, that you have total mystical knowledge and faith in me and absolutely no question about my ability to perform services due.

  Nina Veronica : Yeah, yeah, something like that.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Here's the thing, I don't think that Sting or Springsteen or Billy Joel or McCartney is gonna work out. But, but, but, I have a surprise for you.

• Uncle Sweetheart : This is gonna be a patriotic rhapsody, Jack. Here's the deal. You'll be working for the people. The peasants. The children. Imagine yourself being reincarnated in the civil war in Babylon.

  Jack Fate : Civil war in Babylon?

  Uncle Sweetheart : Come on son, snap out of it! You gotta stand up on your tiptoes to see the future.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Hey, you're all skin and bones.

  Jack Fate : Aren't we all. Anyway, I don't have to throw my weight around. Look at you. You must have put on a few pounds.

  Uncle Sweetheart : Eatin' from the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Let me show you this place. I own a piece of it.

  Jack Fate : Which piece?

  Uncle Sweetheart : It changes every day.

• Nina Veronica : He' s not here.

  Uncle Sweetheart : How do you know?

  Nina Veronica : I say I don't see him.

  Uncle Sweetheart : How do you know he's not like Claude Raines in that movie "The Invisible Man".

  Nina Veronica : Who? If he doesn't show up, you'd better get invisible.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Nobody could be like you, and a great many have tried. I just know this is gonna come off.

  Jack Fate : I need some boys who can play.

  Uncle Sweetheart : I got some musicians right here. Feast your eyes on: Simple Twist Of Fate. The best and only Jack Fate cover band in the world.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Ladies and gentlemen, We have a special treat for you this evening. Not only do we possess the Twist Of Fate, we possess the Cha-Cha, the Bugaboo, and the Watusi Of Fate: Jack Fate!

  Jack Fate : [singing]  Crash on the levee, Water's gonna overflow, Swamp's gonna rise, No boat is gonna row, Head on down, To Williams Point, You can bust your feet, You can rock this joint, But, hey, ain't you gonna miss your best friend now? You'll have to find yourself, Another best friend, somehow...

• Uncle Sweetheart : You do this show, this benefit, it'll be seen all over the world. You'll put your career back on track, maybe a tour, maybe a record, maybe both. Make a little money and save the world, all at the same time! It's all politics. Jack, and money is the mother's milk of politics and we'll be a-rakin' it in.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Some famous star from the jazz age was disfigured right here on this stage during a live show. What the hell was that sucker's name? I can't remember that guy's name.

  Jack Fate : I don't know, Stagger Lee?

  Uncle Sweetheart : No.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Man, I'm gonna turn this here thing into Woodstock, Altamont, the Beatles at Shea, Live-Aid, and the Elvis Comeback Special all *rolled* into one.

• Bobby Cupid : This is one of the guitars that started it all.

  Uncle Sweetheart : Looks like somethin' I'd go out to a corner pawnshop and buy somethin' just like it.

  Bobby Cupid : Well, maybe you could; but, it wouldn't be like this one. Cause this is one that played "Match Box Blues".

  Uncle Sweetheart : Oh, "Match Box Blues".

  [singing] 

  Uncle Sweetheart : Sittin' here wonderin', Will a Match Box hold my clothes, Ain't got so many matches, But we got so far to go.

  [speaking] 

  Uncle Sweetheart : Just like you and me Jack. We got so far to go.

• Bobby Cupid : I got a surprise for you. Wait till you see this.

  Jack Fate : What's that?

  Bobby Cupid : That, my friend, is Blind Lemon's guitar.

  Jack Fate : Where'd you get this from?

  Bobby Cupid : I've been savin' it for ya.

  Uncle Sweetheart : How do you know it belonged to Blind Lemon.

  Bobby Cupid : Cause I got it from this ole boy's house in Dallas, down on the fifth ward, near where Lightnin' used to live. Blind Lemon gave it to him when he was leadin' him around.

  Uncle Sweetheart : Looks like the only thing you'd play on that guitar is solitaire.

• Nina Veronica : I hope you got this cat's priorities in order. Have you explained the restrictions, the limitations, the boundaries, the rules?

  Uncle Sweetheart : Well we've talked about it.

  Nina Veronica : I hope you know we're dealing with the here and now. You can't compare the here and now with the there and then. I don't care what he's done in the past.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Miss Veronica, meet Jack Fate.

  Nina Veronica : Oh, yeah. I had one of your first albums. It's a shame. It's one of the things my husband took during the divorce.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Oh, Iooky, here. Looky what the cat drug in. Bobby Cupid. How'd you get in here? Jack, did you know he was coming? Where's your passport?

  Bobby Cupid : I don't need no stinkin' passport.

• Nina Veronica : Are his songs going to be recognizable? That's what I want to know.

  Uncle Sweetheart : All of his songs are recognizable, even when they're not recognizable.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Troubles, I don't talk about my troubles while they're happening. I'll tell you about them when they're over.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Look Jack, I'm doin' my best. I'm tryin' my hardest. I'm only human.

  Jack Fate : I know. It ain't easy bein' human.

• Mrs. Brown : It's my pleasure to meet you, Mr. Fate.

  Jack Fate : Who's this?

  Uncle Sweetheart : This is Mrs. Brown and she's got a lovely daughter.

  Mrs. Brown : My daughter has memorized all of your songs.

  Jack Fate : Why did she do that?

  Mrs. Brown : 'Cause I made her do it, that's why.

• Uncle Sweetheart : [singing]  Lord, it's hot in here, The air conditioner must be on the blink.

• Bobby Cupid : You're nothing but a piker, man. A door to door encyclopedia salesman. You'd commit treason against your own self.

  Uncle Sweetheart : Who's talking to you?

  Bobby Cupid : Common sense. The voices inside my head. That's who.

• Bobby Cupid : Screw this so-called concert. Jack. These cats, here, are just addicted to lights and sound. Man, let's go someplace where we can see the earth and sky. Let's go to the South Seas. Let's go to where Gauguin went and just disappear for awhile. Cause this guy, here, he's like a praying mantis. He don't kill his victims. He just...

  Uncle Sweetheart : Hey, I don't know. which one of those voices is coming out of your mouth, but tell it to shut, the fuck up. Gauguin was a stockbroker.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Look, you know I'm not some vicious person in a position of wealth and power.

  Jack Fate : You're like a chemist who invents a new drug and doesn't care about the side effects.

• Nina Veronica : Here are the lyrics for "Jailhouse Rock". The executives are insisting that this song be sung, okay.

  Uncle Sweetheart : "Jailhouse Rock"? Why they want to hear that?

  Nina Veronica : Well, look at the lyrics, man. Here, give it to me. Where is it? I don't know. It's something about a party that the warden's gonna throw in a county jail. They see it as a song of hope, you know. Some - some - some kind of *egalitarian* thing. They want to plant seeds of hope.

  Uncle Sweetheart : A lot of people have tried to plant seeds of hope.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Ah, behold. The dreamer cometh. What's goin' on dreamer?

  Bobby Cupid : There's some guy out there snoopin' around.

  Uncle Sweetheart : Is he lookin' for me? What's he look like?

  Bobby Cupid : What's he look like? Well, he's got a Fu Manchu goatee. He's with some weird, half-breed chick. He looks like a leech, a bleeder, some kind of two-faced monster. A spy.

  Uncle Sweetheart : Well, that's a good attitude. You can tell all that just by lookin' at somebody?

  Bobby Cupid : Yeah, well, a guy does all kinda things to give himself away. He said he was with the press. Lee, he probably would have had him shot. Sherman would have hung him.

• Uncle Sweetheart : Look, son, I was sellin' porn books out of the trunk of my car before you were born. Don't tell me I've had my day! You're the scum of all scum. You should have never been born you pickled punk!

• Uncle Sweetheart : Don't you want to live forever? Put some liquor in your blood.