The Battle of Shaker Heights (2003)

Shia LaBeouf: Kelly Ernswiler

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kelly Ernswiler : [about his father]  He's a VH1 documentary without the music.

• Lance : Why are you dicking with me, you little dick. You wanna play, dick face?"

  Kelly Ernswiler : Wait, you just used "dick" as a noun, adjective, and a verb.

• [after Kelly speaks out in class] 

  Principal Holmstead : Kelly we have to stop meeting like this.

  Kelly Ernswiler : I mean, it's not my fault the teachers here suck.

• Principal Holmstead : How am I going to get through to you?

  Kelly Ernswiler : Well, advertising executives use status and sex to appeal to my demographic.

• Kelly Ernswiler : So you invited me to your wedding?

  Tabby : [crying]  There isn't going to be a wedding. Minor kissed this woman he works with.

  Kelly Ernswiler : Honestly, I didn't think you two were right for each other. Like that painting. When you walk in you know exactly what it is, but when you look at it closely...

  Tabby : I don't need your bullshit right now.

  Kelly Ernswiler : I'm just trying to understand you, Tabby.

  Tabby : I'm not as complicated as you think.

  Kelly Ernswiler : I didn't say you were complicated.

  [Tabby starts to cry, and Kelly goes to sit next to her] 

  Kelly Ernswiler : Don't cry. Please, don't cry.

  Tabby : [laughing]  You like me, don't you?

  Kelly Ernswiler : Of course.

  Tabby : No, like, you really like me.

  Kelly Ernswiler : I think you're amazing.

• [first lines] 

  Maurice : [in German]  I have to take a leak.

  Kelly Ernswiler : [holding a knife to his neck from behind]  Ssh.

• Kelly Ernswiler : War is hell.

  Sarah : Oh, well then, why do you do it?

  Kelly Ernswiler : You're never more alive than when faced with simulated death.

• Principal Holmstead : I know that some of the teachers around here can be pretty trying for you sometimes. But you've got to learn to work in the system, not against it.

  Kelly Ernswiler : Why is that?

  Principal Holmstead : Because growing up is a hard enough process as it is.

  Kelly Ernswiler : Is that what your box of tissues is for?

• Kelly Ernswiler : You know, a funny thing just happened to me. I thought you were dead on the couch.

  Abe : Oh, you mean Emmet. Well, they didn't have any empty beds at Care House.

  Kelly Ernswiler : Emmet.

  Abe : Uh huh.

  Kelly Ernswiler : So you bring him to our house? Why don't you ever think about maybe he might be dangerous to me and mom? Or steal all of our furniture.

  Abe : He needed a place to sleep tonight.

  Kelly Ernswiler : Well, having him here makes it feel more like home anyway.

  Abe : Hey, I've been straight for five years, almost six. That's a thid of your life.

  Kelly Ernswiler : Big deal. I've been straight the whole time.

  [walks away] 

• Miner Weber : You still in high school?

  Kelly Ernswiler : Yeah, I am. But I also moonlight as a stock boy over at the Shop Ease. And President Dawn Cominsky says every employee's part owner, so I guess you could say I'm a captain of industry - in training. Sort of, um, a "capitalist larvae".

  Miner Weber : Wow, that's quite an image.

  Kelly Ernswiler : Only if you see the most magical part. You see it?

  Miner Weber : No, what is it?

  Kelly Ernswiler : One day I'm going to be a beautiful butterfly, right? But first I have to be a pupa. And pupas don't really go out that much, so I don't think I'm going to be going out that much. Pupa, the awkward adolescence of the insect world.

• Eve : When are you going to forgive him?

  Kelly Ernswiler : When am I going to forgive him? That's quite a question, mom. When am I going to forgive him, hmm. I don't know, maybe, maybe when I forget all the lyrics to Little Mermaid sound track that he'd play me every time so he could go score. Maybe when we don't live in a house that's always for sale. I don't know - you know, I'll forgive him when I go to college. That's when I'll forgive him. I can't go, can I? 'Cause he took all the money out of my college fund, and bought Mexican black tar with it. And you're asking me to forgive this guy. No way.