Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004)

Chris Williams: Dwight

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dwight : [as Kate kisses Joyce]  I told you she was a lesbian.

  Peter La Fleur : Wow. Good call.

  Kate Veatch : Hey! I'm not a lesbian.

  Peter La Fleur : You're not?

  Kate Veatch : No. I'm bisexual.

  [kisses Peter] 

  Dwight : Oh! Snap!

• [Kate decapitates White Goodman's cardboard stand-up with a well-aimed dodgeball. Everyone stares at her] 

  Kate Veatch : What? Eight years of softball.

  Dwight : Man, she gotta be a lesbian.

  Peter La Fleur : She is *not* a lesbian.

  Patches O'Houlihan : All I know is, that dyke can play!

• Dwight : We're still missing the teenage love puppy and Steve the Pirate.

  Owen : Who's Steve the Pirate?

  Dwight : The only guy on our team that dresses like a pirate!

  Owen : Wait, there's a guy on our team who dresses like a pirate?

• Gordon : Hey, Honey!

  [his wife gives the "L" sign] 

  Gordon : "L" for love! Good times.

  Dwight : "L" for love? That doesn't mean love, Gordon...

  Peter La Fleur : No, it's... people have different translations for different things and that's a special bond that you have with uh... with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.

• Owen : [after Patches O'Houlihan has been killed]  Look on the bright side, at least we've still got Peter!

  Dwight : Yeah, but Globo Gym's got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer's"! Without Patches, we're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!

  Justin : [Whispers to Gordon]  What's a taint?

  Gordon : I don't know, but it sounds *bad*!

• Dwight : I hope he falls off the roller coaster and breaks every bone in his body.

  Kate Veatch : Nice Dwight.

  Dwight : Hey I'm just sayin' it happens. My cousin Ray-Ray, boop, dead.

• Owen : [after Patches got smashed with sign]  Well... it's probably the way he wanted to go...

  Dwight : ...What?

• Dwight : We could sell blood and semen.

  [everyone gives him a strange look] 

  Dwight : What? Not mixed together.

• Justin : How many teams are in this qualifier?

  Gordon : Uh, two.

  Justin : So all we have to do is beat this team and we're in the Vegas Open, right?

  Gordon : Yeah!

  Owen : That seems pretty simple.

  Dwight : Who's the other team?

  Gordon : Uh, I have it right here, just a second... Troop 417.

  Steve the Pirate : Christ! We're playin' Boy Scouts!

  Peter La Fleur : Not quite!

  [Troop 417 are tough-looking Girl Scouts; one spits on the ground] 

  Steve the Pirate : BOLLOCKS!

• Owen : I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink... in the bathroom.

  Dwight : Whatever you do, wash your hands.

• Justin : This place is too important to us! Gordon, where do you go when your wife changes the locks?

  Gordon : Average Joe's.

  Justin : Right! Dwight, Owen, what are you going to do if Average Joe's closes? You gonna work at the airport again?

  Dwight : Say what? I ain't working at no airport!

  Justin : No, 'cause you hated it! Steve! Where is it you go to do... whatever it is that you do?

  Steve the Pirate : Garrr! Joe's be the only place for Steve!

• [before the championship game] 

  Peter La Fleur : Okay guys, let's play smart. Wait for your two-on-ones, cover closely for your pickups. What's our team motto?

  Owen : Aim low?

  Peter La Fleur : That's right. All I'm asking is that you give it your best for Patches. I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?

  [Everyone laughs] 

  Peter La Fleur : Put 'em in.

  [Hands in] 

  Peter La Fleur : One, two, three...

  Peter La Fleur , Owen , Justin , Kate Veatch , Dwight , Gordon : JOE'S!

• Dwight : Bad morning boss?

  Peter La Fleur : They usually follow good nights, Dwight.