- [Michael is about to jump into the pool out of depression, fully dressed]
- Michael Carney: I'm gonna jump!
- Brendan Leonard: Don't, Michael! Cotton shrinks in water.
- Brendan Leonard: If Christopher Columbus didn't discover America, there probably wouldn't be a Columbus, Ohio.
- Brendan Leonard: Use 'chill' as an adjective, noun, pronoun, and adverb.
- Patrick Mohr: You wanna go chill at the chill?
- [Brendan is talking about Kevin Carlson]
- Brendan Leonard: What he lacked in scholarly activity he made up for in prat-falls.
- Michael Carney: This is Michael Carney with the world's fastest gossip report. Brendan Leonard is stupid, Kevin Sheehan is not a true redhead, and Robbie Karver is actually portrayed by an actor named Luis. Mucho Amore, Peace!
- Kevin Carlson: My greatest fear, is that the African dining squirrel might have already dined. That would be terrible.
- Michael Carney: 30% of teens love Rotang, but the other 75% just don't understand him.
- Brendan Leonard: So, we're working in terms of 105%?
- Michael Carney: I'm not a history major, Brendan.
- Brendan Leonard: Are you calling me a liar? Are my pants on fire? Is my nose as long as a telephone wire? I don't have time for this!
- Michael Carney: The mood I was in was post-break-up with my other. And I was in a dark place; the power went out.
- Brendan Leonard: Our next film is from Ryan Turner AKA Delicious AKA King of the Summer Feel Good Hit.
- Ryan Turner: All right, you know what, my, like, one year old sister who's like, yea long, could have gotten it!
- Kevin Carlson: Ryan, you don't have a sister!
- Ryan Turner: So, if I did, she would have gotten it!
- Kevin Carlson: Well? Well? Jamie, what happened? Well? What happened? Why don't you just talk to him? Well? Hehehehe...
- [the cast is in LA]
- Brendan Leonard: They can definitely spot someone from around here
- Cameraman: Are kids different in California?
- Patrick Mohr: Oh, yeah. They are a lot cooler than us. They wear huge shorts and hooded sweatshirts.
- Michael Carney: They don't care about rules.
- Kevin Sheehan: And they live at the beach all day.
- Kevin Carlson: And they're 'dude bros'.
- Patrick Mohr: And instead of barbequing brat's on the grill, they barbeque vegetables.
- Brendan Leonard: Do you hear that?
- Bogan: Yeah, it's my heart beating.
- Brendan Leonard: No, the music. I think it's an ice cream truck. Do you have two bucks?
- Bogan: When have I ever had two bucks?
- Brendan Leonard: I don't know. You work for me, don't you?
- [Brendan has decided to be more dramatic; his friends are discussing getting a pizza]
- Brendan Leonard: Do you guys ever just think about time and how fast it passes?
- Patrick Mohr: Brendan, do you want a pizza or not?
- Brendan Leonard: But, you get the pizza and it's not about the food, it's about the camaraderie. Eating the pizza with friends...
- Kevin Carlson: I hate you.
- [Brendan, being artistic, did a painting of Kevin]
- Kevin Carlson: Why is there a star around your name?
- Brendan Leonard: You can read into it however you like.
- [at a "film festival"]
- "Reporter": I noticed you don't have a date with you.
- Michael Carney: I like to explore the canvas of human experience.
- Brendan Leonard: [getting sprayed with water playing croquet] In the face of adversity I still got it.
- Patrick Mohr: Actually, it's a hose. Some call it adversity, others call it a hose.
- Michael Carney: [writing a letter at Camp Jinx!] Dear Mom, you said there wasn't going to be any water sports at camp. Well guess what? Brendan said we're going WATER skiing this afternoon. You lied to me, Mom.
- Michael Carney: Hey I haven't met you before. What's your name? I'm Michael. You like that, you like that. I didn't get a chance to know you and you leave just like everybody else in my life. Once I say hi, you leave.
- Patrick Mohr: Togetherness, exactly. You can't make pizza without cheese. Well, you could, but it would just be bad pizza, though.