Boston Legal (2004–2008)
William Shatner: Denny Crane
Photos
Quotes
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Denny Crane : [repeated throughout series] Denny Crane...
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Denny Crane : Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?
Mark Harrison : Yes.
Denny Crane : Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?
Mark Harrison : Yes.
Denny Crane : You were fully informed.
Mark Harrison : I was.
Denny Crane : You consented.
Mark Harrison : I did.
Denny Crane : Take it again?
Mark Harrison : Absolutely.
Denny Crane : Like the doctor?
Mark Harrison : Love him.
Denny Crane : How's your memory?
Mark Harrison : My memory's fine.
Denny Crane : What's my name?
Mark Harrison : Denny Crane.
Denny Crane : Like you mean it!
Mark Harrison : Denny Crane!
Denny Crane : What's my name?
Mark Harrison : [shouts] Denny Crane!
Denny Crane : No further questions.
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Alan Shore : [referring to a book about parasites found on salmon] This book, "A Stain Upon The Sea" it's all about these sea lice.
Denny Crane : Interesting.
Alan Shore : They call them cling ons.
Denny Crane : Did you say Klingons?
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Denny Crane : [while shaking hands] Denny Crane.
Donny Crane : Donny Crane.
Denny Crane : Denny Crane.
Donny Crane : Donny Crane.
Denny Crane : Denny Crane.
Donny Crane : Donny Crane.
Denny Crane : Denny Crane.
Donny Crane : Donny Crane.
Denny Crane : Denny Crane.
Donny Crane : Donny Crane.
Denny Crane : Denny Crane.
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Denny Crane : You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley Schmidt : It was the Secretary of Defense.
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Denny Crane : You're one of those environmental lawyers?
Peter Barrett : Is there something wrong with that?
Denny Crane : They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment.
Alan Shore : All reality, none of it scripted.
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Denny Crane : [walking through a crowd of reporters] dennycranelaw.com. Pictures, bios, hobbies. I once captained my own spaceship. Muli-talented.
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Denny Crane : I don't know whether you know this but not many men take the time, every day, to have a cigar, glass of scotch, to talk to their best friend. That's not something most men have.
Alan Shore : No it isn't.
Denny Crane : What I give to you, what I share, I do with no one else. I like to think that what you give to me you do with nobody else. Now that may sound silly to you. But here's what I think is silly, the idea that jealousy or fidelity is reserved for romance. I always suspected that there was a connection between you and that man. That you got something you didn't get from me.
Alan Shore : I probably do. But gosh, what I get from you, Denny. People walk around today calling everyone their best friend. The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting, birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they barely met, and everyone just loves everyone. As a result, when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn't much heard. I love you, Denny; you are my best friend. I can't imagine going through life without you as my best friend. I'm not going to kiss you, however.
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Brian Stevens : Motion for continuance is denied.
Denny Crane : You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.
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Denny Crane : Now, Alan, if all else fails and you think you've lost... pretend you've won! Works for our president.
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Denny Crane : I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load.
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Denny Crane : You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."
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Donny Crane : He's mocking me... Dad, he's mocking me!
Denny Crane : You're a Crane. Get used to it.
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Alan Shore : You have a job to do, and so do I. Yours is to sell socks and suspenders. Mine is to cross examine people like you and crush them.
[indicates to Denny Crane]
Alan Shore : This man here would fire me if I didn't.
Denny Crane : Denny Crane.
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Alan Shore : Denny, I'm going to miss you.
Denny Crane : I'm not going anywhere!
Alan Shore : I've been married; of course you are.
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Denny Crane : [several lawyers from the firm are squeezing past a throng of reporters] Denny Crane, Trix are for Kids... Denny Crane, coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.
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Denny Crane : [to Alan about the riot on television] 100 women there, and you didn't invite me. That's 200 breasts! And you kept them all to yourself.
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Alan Shore : [addressing a Canadian court] Oh, yes, mindful that abroad people tend to expect shock and awe when Yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words.
Denny Crane : Denny Crane, eh?
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Denny Crane : [walking in on Alan Shore and Shirley Schmidt in the men's room] If she tries to pee standing up, come get me.
[after closing the door to the stall]
Denny Crane : Lock and load!
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Denny Crane : It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans... we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys.
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Denny Crane : I can act... I have an Emmy.
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Gracie Jane : Gracie Jane.
Denny Crane : Denny Crane.
Gracie Jane : Gracie Jane.
Denny Crane : Are you making fun of me?
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Denny Crane : Massachusetts is a blue state. God has no place here.
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Denny Crane : Did something happen? Was I in the room when it happened?
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Denny Crane : [talking to Alan on the balcony] The only thing to be scared of son is tomorrow. I don't live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it.
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Denny Crane : May I express a thought, because I so rarely get one, and I should preface this by saying that I'm so far up the ass of big business I view the world as one giant colon.
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Denny Crane : It's fun being me!
[after thoughtful pause]
Denny Crane : Is it fun being you?
Alan Shore : Most of the time.
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Denny Crane : Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something nobody else knows. I'm homophobic.
Alan Shore : [deadpan] I'm stunned.
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[Denny, Tara, and Lori in Denny's office as Denny loads a rifle, preparing to save Alan from a gunman holding him hostage just outside of Denny's office door]
Denny Crane : It's okay; I'm an ex-Marine. I was a trained sniper. Or was I a pilot? I can't remember. Anyway, I'm more of a skeet shooter now, so when I say 'pull,' you're going to open that door.
Tara Wilson : You're insane!
Denny Crane : Pull!
[Tara opens the door; Denny fires]
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Alan Shore : You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.
Denny Crane : Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Alan Shore : Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Denny Crane : Just once I wish you'd quote a Republican.
Alan Shore : I want a kindler and gentler nation.
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Alan Shore : Denny, I refuse to shoot you.
Denny Crane : You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?"
Alan Shore : "Where would we be..."
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Denny Crane : [Denny is guarding Alan from his night terrors so he is sleeping in the bed with him]
[in his sleep]
Denny Crane : Denny Crane. Denny Crane. Denny Crane.
Alan Shore : [Alan gets out of bed and stumbles. He has a rope tied around his leg; the other end is tied to Denny. Alan tries to get up and stumbles again. He tugs on the rope] Hey! Hey!
Denny Crane : What the hell do you...
Alan Shore : Get up, Denny. We're going to the bathroom.
Denny Crane : Untie the knot.
[turns over]
Alan Shore : It takes too long. Let's just... get up!
Denny Crane : I'm not getting up!
Alan Shore : It'll take two seconds.
[he tugs the rope]
Denny Crane : It's the middle of the night!
Alan Shore : Just get up!
Denny Crane : I'm not gonna get up.
Alan Shore : Dammit! Get up!
[he tugs violently at the rope. Denny is pulled from the bed to the floor]
Alan Shore : Happy?
[stands up]
Denny Crane : [Denny pulls the rope and Alan falls on top of him. They lie there, face to face] This isn't working for me.
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Gil Furnald : I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on, it just feels right sometimes.
Denny Crane : So basically you're a sicko.
Gil Furnald : I'm not sick.
Denny Crane : Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?
Gil Furnald : My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.
Denny Crane : Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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Denny Crane : How can you ban red meat?
Dominick Ryan : Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.
Denny Crane : We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.
Dominick Ryan : [Shirley and Dominick stare at him] Is there anything we can do?
Shirley Schmidt : We'll get an immediate TRO.
Denny Crane : I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.
Shirley Schmidt : The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right, the law lacks condiments.
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Shirley Schmidt : Do not make yourself the story. The jury needs to be focused on him.
Denny Crane : [incredulous] Did you just say don't make me the story?
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Judge Sean O'Byrne : I find it insulting to be lectured by an American about the environment.
Denny Crane : Watch it, judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis.
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Denny Crane : TiVo me, will ya?
