Not Only But Always (2004 TV Movie)

Aidan McArdle: Dudley Moore

Quotes 

• [Dudley Moore notices that Peter Cook is emotionally distraught while about to go through customs] 

  Dudley Moore : Pete...

  Immigration Officer : [forcefully]  Sir, step behind the yellow line please, sir.

  Dudley Moore : Eh, sorry...

  Peter Cook : [with thick Russian accent]  Be careful, Vladimir, Don't blow your cover.

• Dudley Moore : Is my entire contribution to this show going to consist of my humiliating myself?

  Peter Cook : No, Dudley. We'll do that for you.

  Dudley Moore : Thank you. I wouldn't want to be appreciated or anything.

  Peter Cook : Well, we initially tried looking up to you, Dudley... but when we did, we invariably found ourselves looking down.

• Dudley Moore : Why do you constantly belittle me?

  Peter Cook : Dudley, I don't think it's possible to belittle a club-footed dwarf whose only talent is to play Chopsticks in the style of Debussy.

• Dudley Moore : [watching Cook sprinkle vodka on his cornflakes]  Would you like some *cocaine* on that?

• Wendy Snowden : Everything happens for a purpose. Go with the flow.

  Peter Cook : I've enjoyed the plughole immensely. I can't wait for the drain.

  Wendy Snowden : It's really weird that this has happened when it has. I'm pregnant.

  Dudley Moore : I think that was the U-bend, Pete.

• Dudley Moore : You have a generous heart.

  Peter Cook : I do have a generous heart. I have a very generous heart. I recently caught it trying to give my liver to a wino.

• Dudley Moore : Are you allergic to compassion?

  Peter Cook : Only in suppository form.

• Peter Cook : The BBC want another series.

  Dudley Moore : Oh good. I'll make it up, you write it down, take all the money, take all the credit, then turn up drunk, and I'll make it all up again.

• Dudley Moore : You are an arrogant fucking cunt and you have never valued me.

• Peter Cook : I don't know why you bother. I don't know why you waste so much time on the piano. On your life history, what star sign she is, read her fucking palm. The secret of success with women, Dudley, is to tell them they're dirty, fucking cows, and stupid to boot, always does the trick.

  Dudley Moore : That's a technique I've never actually tried.

  Peter Cook : It'd save a lot of time.

• Dudley Moore : Quiet, isn't it. Hardly any traffic, and a surprising absence of sarcasm.

  Peter Cook : The crows do a nice line in withering irony. I trained them myself. But they lack the wit for true satire. Incessant derision is all they manage, really.

• Dudley Moore : I'm writing a book.

  Peter Cook : Really? Neither am I.

  Dudley Moore : It's an autobiography.

  Peter Cook : If you mention me, I shall sue.

  Dudley Moore : I won't mention you.

  Peter Cook : If you don't, I shall sue.

  Dudley Moore : I shall refer to you only as Dorothy Squires.

  Peter Cook : I shall contact my lawyers, immediately.

• [1978: sketch prompted by the recent death of Pope John Paul I] 

  Peter Cook : Hello, mother.

  Dudley Moore : [falsetto]  Hello, son.

  Peter Cook : Did you go to the Pope's funeral?

  Dudley Moore : [falsetto]  Yeah, I did. It was lovely.

  Peter Cook : The way they laid out the Pope was beautiful.

  Dudley Moore : [falsetto]  Oh yes, son.

  Peter Cook : Looking at that dead Pope gave me the horn.

  Dudley Moore : [falsetto, shocked]  No!

  Peter Cook : Yeah, I got so horny seeing him lying in state, I had to have a wank.

  Dudley Moore : [corpses] 

  Peter Cook : Yeah. I came all over the Pope - right across his face.

  Dudley Moore : [corpses]