Spider-Man 2 (I) (2004 Video Game)

Bruce Campbell: Tour Guide

Quotes 

• Tour Guide : So, let me tell you three things about Black Cat. 38-24-36. End of story.

• Tour Guide : Well, sequel time already, huh? Welcome back, I guess. I'm sure you missed me more than I missed you. Anyway, things have changed around here since last time, so they dragged me back at great expense to explain what's up. First things first. You're not much of a wall crawler if you can't, you know, stick to walls, so here's what you do. You walk or run into a wall and hold the grab button. Voila.

  [makes popping noise] 

  Tour Guide : You stick to the wall. It works when you're swinging or jumping, too.

• Tour Guide : Okay, so the next thing I want you to do is jump off the building. I mean it, just jump. Hey, I wouldn't tell you to do something dangerous and life-threatening, would I? Come on!

  [Spider-Man jumps off the rooftop and falls in slow-motion] 

  Tour Guide : Do you always do what people tell you? You know, there's a word for that: LOSER! So, what now, wise guy? Just a little friendly advice while you're falling to your death. You're going to want to shoot out a webline to save yourself. Push the left analog stick in the direction you want to go and press the swing button. Oh, by the way, it'll only work if there's something swingable in range, okay?

• [Spider-Man falls and hits the ground hard during the tutorial] 

  Tour Guide : Ouch! I would work on that landing. Remember, it isn't falling that hurts you, it's the sudden stop at the end.

• [Four robbers get out of a stopped car after Spider-Man arrives] 

  Tour Guide : Looks like the robbers are escaping on foot. Go teach 'em a lesson. You know, by beating the snot out of them. I mean, this isn't a civics class. What do you expect?

• Tour Guide : Style advisory: dodging is stylish. Let's face it. When thugs hit you, you look like a tool.

• Tour Guide : So you want a hint about sticking to walls? Here's one... you're Spider-Man! You can stick to walls! Yippe-Skippe!

• Tour Guide : Everyone looks at the controller and whines,

  [in a whiney voice] 

  Tour Guide : "There's only one attack button". Will you gimme a break, just because there's only one button *called* attack, doesn't mean it's the only one you can use. It's called a manual. Try to show a little innitiative at least.

• Tour Guide : Between swinging, zipping, wall sprinting, and pole swinging, you should be able to stay off the ground and travel stylishly all over the city. No excuses.

• [Spider-Man touches and activates a Hint Marker] 

  Tour Guide : Time for a little Geography lesson. Inwood Hill Park is the northernmost point in Manhattan. See? Your brain isn't rotting during the video game! You're learning something!

• Tour Guide : I have nothing new to tell you, except the fact that I'm being paid by the line. I just made 60 bucks. BWA HA HA!

• Tour Guide : Let me tell you a little something about Mysterio. People will say he's crazy, that he has strange fashion sense or that strange odors tend to emanate from his body. But why focus on the negative? Let's talk instead about his wonderful singing voice.

• Tour Guide : You know, people keep asking me, "are you going to eat a sandwich this time?" I mean, what's wrong with you? Are you orally fixated?

  [pause] 

  Tour Guide : Oh, all right, no need for the puppy dog eyes. Here, I'll eat a sandwich, all right?

  [bites a sandwich, chews] 

  Tour Guide : [talks with mouth full]  So, if you really want to hear it, really, I'm going to do it for you now.

  [gulps down the bite of sandwich] 

  Tour Guide : All right, there, are you happy? Good. Let's never speak of this again.

• Tour Guide : Moving right along, let's talk about jumping. Hold down the jump button and you'll charge your jump. This yellow bar shows how strong your jump will be when you let go of the button. You got it? You sure? You don't actually jump until you've let go of the jump button. Okay? Now go jump in a lake.

  [Spider-Man tries a jump] 

  Tour Guide : If you tap the jump button, you'll just do a little hop. A little, a little hop. That's because you didn't charge your jump. Am I going too fast for you?

• [Spider-Man fires a webline and swings over the city] 

  Tour Guide : Great, you made it! Now let me tell you a little about swinging. Every time you press the swing button, you'll shoot a new webline. Now there's all kinds of fancy stuff you can do, but let's do baby steps.

• Tour Guide : Whoa! That Rhino is one tough cookie. You don't wanna get hit by him. Luckily, you've got Spider-Sense. See that flash on your head? No, on the screen, not on your real head. That's a warning that you're about to be attacked. When you see it, press the grab button to dodge out of the way. In addition to the obvious advantage of not getting pummeled, the dodge can also set up attacks and turn the tide in a fight.

• Tour Guide : There are plenty of ways to fill your hero meter: fight, do tricks while swinging around the city, and generally try to be stylish. What's "stylish", you ask? What am I, a dictionary?

• Tour Guide : Hey, here's a tip for you: going fast is stylish. It may not sound like much, but getting up some speed can actually be pretty tricky. Of course, I'm sure you'll come up with some clever ways to do it. 'Cause you're a cheater.

• Tour Guide : If you do the same type of combo twice in a row, you'll end your style chain, so try to mix up your moves. Remember, repetition is never stylish.

  [yawns] 

  Tour Guide : It's boring!

• Tour Guide : Doctor Octopus. I don't want to give anything away for you, but he's kind of the main trouble maker in this little drama.

  [brief pause] 

  Tour Guide : What do you mean you already knew that? Sheesh. No appreciation.

• Tour Guide : Quick bit of history for you. The Statue of Liberty was actually a gift from the French. It was created and built in France, disassembled, shipped over to New York, and reassembled here. The Statue was dedicated on October 28th, 1886. I hope you're taking notes, 'cause there's going to be a pop quiz soon.

• Tour Guide : If you do the ol' tap-web-to-disarm-thug trick on a thug with no weapon, you'll blind that sucker and send him into full-blown panic mode. This is great fun at parties, too.

• Tour Guide : If you buy the Cannonball Kick from the Spidey Store, and I recommend it, you can actually attack while swinging. Get good at it and you'll be knocking thugs over like bowling pins. Hey, bowling, there's an idea...