Green Wing (2004–2007)
Mark Heap: Dr. Alan Statham
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Alan Statham : Do you want me to report you for that earring?
Dr. Macartney : Only if I can report you for the moustache.
Dr. Alan Statham : Most females find body piercing repugnant. Luckily, I am still intact.
Dr. Macartney : Yes, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes.
[leaves]
Dr. Alan Statham : Exactly!
[realizes insult]
Dr. Angela Hunter : Banter?
Dr. Alan Statham : Yes.
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[Boyce has taken Dr Statham to a restaurant after having bought him at the slave auction]
Dr. Alan Statham : Joanna brought me here once... to discuss hospital employment policy. Surreptitiously however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick.
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Dr. Alan Statham : Erm... you may be thinking that I am comparing my penis to that of a corpse.
[looks shifty and wanders away]
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Joanna Clore : [on answering machine] It's over, Alan. Don't contact me. You will never feel my super-vagina again.
Dr. Alan Statham : I, I, I wish people would leave a name!
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Dr. Alan Statham : [hanging in Joanna's office in a hangmansnoose] Help!
[no reaction]
Dr. Alan Statham : I need a wee!
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Joanna Clore : And I suppose radiology is proper medicine then, is it?
Dr. Alan Statham : I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.
[pause]
Dr. Alan Statham : Yes, it bloody is!
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Joanna Clore : What kind of masked kidnapper are you?
Dr. Alan Statham : Well, one who is loath to contravene local bye-laws, actually.
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Dr. Alan Statham : Will you desist!
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Dr. Alan Statham : Welcome to the lunatic asylum!
Dr. Caroline Todd : What, "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps"?
Dr. Alan Statham : Well, I don't know about that, although the Trust is an Equal Opportunities Employer so some of the Secretarial Staff might be a bit...
[twirls a finger by his head]
Joanna Clore : [bored of him] Oh, God!
[Drags Carol away]
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Dr. Alan Statham : I need a new name badge. It's supposed to say "Dr Alan Statham Consultant Radiologist" but someone's blacked out the O, the N, the S, the L, the first T and the A of the word "Consultant"!
Sue White : So now it says...?
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Dr. Alan Statham : To whit...
Boyce : T' whoo?
Dr. Alan Statham : I am not an Owl, Boyce.
Boyce : Although you are rather feathery, aren't you, to the touch?
Dr. Alan Statham : No, and I suppose you're about to launch into an absurd story about waking up in my bed after a slave auction and having to borrow my pants!
Boyce : Here you go. Haven't had a chance to wash them yet...
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Dr. Alan Statham : No, Sue White isn't here, she's gone to do a poo on a Plate! Right, I'll let her know. No, this isn't Dr. Statham it's someone else.
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Joanna Clore : God, you've changed your tune.
Dr. Alan Statham : Yes, I march to a different tune.
[sings]
Dr. Alan Statham : La la la la la la-la-laaa, la la la la...
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Joanna Clore : I know you can't be a complete idiot or they wouldn't let you work here.
Dr. Alan Statham : ...I'm glad you're on my side.
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Dr. Alan Statham : I've got to go and sort out some lymphocytes, but I'll be back soon.
Chaplain : How soon?
Dr. Alan Statham : About twenty minutes?
Chaplain : Are you sure you're getting enough work done?
Dr. Alan Statham : [grasps her hand] We have fatter fish to fry!
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Harriet Schulenburg : No!
Dr. Alan Statham : No, of course not. Who'd want me? I look like a broom! And who'd want to go out with a broom?
Harriet Schulenburg : A dustpan?
Dr. Alan Statham : Yes, and where would one find a maritally unfettered dustpan?
Harriet Schulenburg : Well, my husband found me at evening classes.
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Poetry Group Leader : You don't have to rush at it, Alan. Just let what Linda has said penetrate our souls.
Dr. Alan Statham : ...Right! Penetrated.
[Takes the chair, unfolds his poem]
Dr. Alan Statham : "Carrier Pigeon". Carrier Pigeon... Carrier Pigeon... Carrier... of disease! OH! Gnarled claw... disease eating away at your very being... "Look out! A car!" "I can't fly, my wing's damaged." Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep... Let it penetrate.
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Dr. Alan Statham : You bloody bastards!
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Joanna Clore : [bursts in on Statham beating a Green Dwarf to death with a stuffed Heron] What are you doing?
Dr. Alan Statham : It's all right! He's not real!
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Dr. Alan Statham : [Joanna's dumped him and he's beating his fist on the Chapel Altar]
Chaplain : Are you alright?
Dr. Alan Statham : [startled] Oh my fucksie! No, well, you know. God's a Sod! She's gone and that's all there is to it.
Chaplain : I'm so sorry. Did she suffer?
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Joanna Clore : [dragging the bagged dwarf to the incinerator] Maybe you shouldn't kill dwarfs with Herons!
Dr. Alan Statham : Maybe you shouldn't hide dwarfs under people's desks!
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Dr. Alan Statham : I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Joanna Clore : I think I am too.
Dr. Alan Statham : Everything's gone Dwarf!
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Dr. Alan Statham : [panic attack] Boyce, kiss me! Give me the kiss of life!
Boyce : No way! You're still breathing.
Dr. Alan Statham : You must revive me with the breath of your body.
Boyce : Oh, God. Okay.
[passionately revives Dr. Statham]
Dr. Alan Statham : What have you been eating?
Boyce : Kim.
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Boyce : [dressed as a nurse] Well, Dr. Statham, I'd quite like to see you after work.
Dr. Alan Statham : Ah, I don't know about that.
Boyce : C'mon give me a hug.
[hugs him]
Dr. Alan Statham : Let go.
Boyce : No, I don't want to.
Dr. Alan Statham : Let go.
Boyce : I will if you say yes.
Dr. Alan Statham : Okay, yes.
Boyce : Okay. Swing by the Tandoori Palace around seven.
Dr. Alan Statham : Oh, I can swing with the best of them, don't you worry about that!
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Dr. Alan Statham : Your urine seems to be fluorescent.
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Dr. Alan Statham : [sitting in his office. A Silver UFO flies in and calls him a Homosexual]
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Dr. Alan Statham : [Carol has a bandage from Mac knocking her out] Ah, I see you're in on Boyce's little joke!
[taps her forehead]
Dr. Caroline Todd : OW!
Dr. Alan Statham : Oh, I'm not as green as people who were born yesterday.
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Dr. Alan Statham : A is for Appendectomy, B is for Barium, C is for Cystitis, Defibrillates for D...
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Dr. Alan Statham : All hail, thou Nursey Nymphet! Be mine!
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Dr. Alan Statham : Confiscatio!
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Dr. Alan Statham : Confiscatio Secundum Tempore!
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Dr. Alan Statham : That's too far away you, you... immigrated ignoramus!
Car Park Attendent : ...Yeah. Anyway, proper Doctors, people like him
[points out Mac and his motorcycle]
Car Park Attendent : , get the spaces closest to the Hospital.
Dr. Alan Statham : I am a bloody proper Doctor!
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Dr. Alan Statham : Does my coat sweep when I go round corners?
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Dr. Alan Statham : [in the throes of passion with Joanna] I love you Simon Mason!
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Dr. Alan Statham : Heed me!
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Dr. Alan Statham : And we can see in the second image of the gall bladder that the stone has been dislodged. I call this the Mick Jagger effect, because it is a rolling stone... That is a joke you may laugh.
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Dr. Alan Statham : [Dumped. Cuts off his tie with scissors and hyperventilates]
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Dr. Alan Statham : Sh! A dwarf may hear you...
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Dr. Alan Statham : If you boil a kettle with vinegar it gets rid of the residue.
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Dr. Alan Statham : Don't touch my Sopranino!
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Dr. Alan Statham : Green Eyed Panty Monster!
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Dr. Alan Statham : Welcome to our Humble Palace of Miracles.
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Chaplain : I'm the Chaplain.
Dr. Alan Statham : [Shakes her hand in a Cross Shape]
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Dr. Alan Statham : Alright, a small key for you to swallow and a toy soldier for me. C'mon it'll be great! "A small key? A toy soldier? What's it all about?" We can drive them insane from beyond the grave!
Joanna Clore : I like it, c'mon then.
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Dr. Alan Statham : Not the Pens!
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Dr. Alan Statham : [knocking] In Tray!
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Dr. Alan Statham : It's my Man Milk.
Joanna Clore : You've given me a locket with cum in it?
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Dr. Alan Statham : You're all a bunch of slitty, slatty, sluts! And you haven't even got a cock! Haven't even got a cock!
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Dr. Alan Statham : I march to the beat of a different drummer. Jesus!
Joanna Clore : Okay, now you're scaring me.
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Karen Ball : Joanna Breaks up. It's not a joke.
Dr. Alan Statham : Why?
Karen Ball : She said you'd ask. She's bored. She started going out with you because she was bored, and she's still bored. You're boring. Sorry.
Dr. Alan Statham : No, you don't have to be nice!
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Dr. Alan Statham : Who's a good little boy? Are you going to be a radiologist when you grow up like your Uncle Alan?
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Dr. Alan Statham : [Boyce has projected a large photoshopped image of Dr Statham partaking in an Obscene Act onto the side of the Hospital] BOYCE!
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Dr. Alan Statham : [staples a Cheeseplant]
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Dr. Alan Statham : A Daddy Longlegs is not a Father!
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Dr. Alan Statham : He Looms!
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Boyce : You're a Christian, you have to Forgive me!
Dr. Alan Statham : Well, lately I've been adopting a more Agnostic approach.
[hits Boyce with his pointer]