The Benchwarmers (2006)

Jon Lovitz: Mel

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Carlos is drinking a tequilla while pitching] 

  Carlos : Maria? Why did you leave me?

  Mel : Letting that 12 year old drink like that is disgusting.

• Mel : Have you even known the joys of having children?

  Richie : Never had a date.

  Clark : Never talked to a girl.

• Mel : Keep it under a billion, that's all I got... on me hahaha.

• Mel : Richie, do you have any kids?

  Richie : Never had a date.

  Mel : Clark?

  Clark : Never spoke to a girl.

  Mel : Gu-Gus?

  Gus : Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it.

• Mel : Reggie and I met at Tuba Camp when we were kids

  [shows picture of Reggie and Himself playing their tubas when they were younger] 

  Gus : HAHA,Reggie that was you?

  Reggie Jackson : [angrily]  What are you laughing about?I was a cute kid.

  Gus : [frightened]  Oh,uh,Yes.Like a young Denzel.

  Richie : [whispered to Clark]  I didn't know Denzel played Erkel.

• Mel : If you build it, nerds will come.

• Gus : [to Nelson]  Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

  Mel : Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

  Nelson : I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

  Clark : When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

  Nelson : His son just did that to me last week.

• [looking at Mel's Pontiac Firebird Trans Am] 

  Clark : This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.

  Mel : It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.

  [Mel activates the car with his watch] 

  K.I.T.T. : Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.

  Richie : [to Mel]  Who are you?

  Mel : Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up... to make billions.

• [last lines] 

  Mel : This was a total waste of time, wasn't it?

  Gus : Yeah.

• Gus : Let's go kick some hairless ass!

  Mel : I had hair in my ass before i could *walk*.

• Mel : Howie, you're a freak.