The Benchwarmers (2006)

Rob Schneider: Gus

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gus : Man! I haven't even been on a baseball field in over 10 years.

  Clark : I've never been on a baseball field, if I did, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead.

  Gus : Thats horrible, baseball's America's past time... thats like saying you've never had apple pie.

  Gus : You've never had apple pie?

  Clark : My mom said it would give me diarrhea.

  Gus : That's ridiculous, Clark! You have to try it at least once!

  Clark : Diarrhea?

  Gus : No! Baseball!

• Gus : [looking at baseball cards]  We've got statistics! I got 30 homeruns!

  Richie : I got 11 foul ticks!

  Clark : I got 20 eyes-closed strike outs, 5 broken windshields, and 6 dead birds! I'm freakin' awesome!

• Gus : Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.

  Jerry : What was that?

  Gus : Well, you gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one: Fairy Jerry.

  Jerry : Oh, really?

  Gus : [stands up from chair]  Really.

  Jerry : Okay, Gus- Gus... Gus Bus! That's you, Gus Bus!

  Gus : Oh, that was a brutal comeback. Come on guys, let's go. I don't think I can ever get over that one. Whew!

• Gus : [upon seeing Carlos enter]  Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?

  Wayne : Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.

  Carlos : Me tummy, es sicko.

  Umpire : Well you got proof he's a kid?

  Gus : Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.

  Wayne : Not according to birth certifico.

  [hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier] 

  Umpire : [looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up]  He's got documentation. Play ball!

• Mel : Richie, do you have any kids?

  Richie : Never had a date.

  Mel : Clark?

  Clark : Never spoke to a girl.

  Mel : Gu-Gus?

  Gus : Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it.

• Gus : Clark, could you not pick your nose in front of me?

  Clark : I'm not picking, I'm scratching.

  Gus : Scratching what? Your brain?

  Clark : Yeah, 'cause it's huge.

• Mel : Reggie and I met at Tuba Camp when we were kids

  [shows picture of Reggie and Himself playing their tubas when they were younger] 

  Gus : HAHA,Reggie that was you?

  Reggie Jackson : [angrily]  What are you laughing about?I was a cute kid.

  Gus : [frightened]  Oh,uh,Yes.Like a young Denzel.

  Richie : [whispered to Clark]  I didn't know Denzel played Erkel.

• Gus : I think this is a sign that you should get a car.

  Clark : My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year.

  [extends arms forward and then retracts] 

  Clark : She wants to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.

• Gus : My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties.

• Marcus Ellwood : Do you still think I look like Yoda?

  Gus : No.

  Marcus Ellwood : But Yoda's my favorite! You're a bad, bad man!

• Gus : [to Nelson]  Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

  Mel : Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

  Nelson : I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

  Clark : When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

  Nelson : His son just did that to me last week.

• [last lines] 

  Mel : This was a total waste of time, wasn't it?

  Gus : Yeah.

• Gus : Let's go kick some hairless ass!

  Mel : I had hair in my ass before i could *walk*.

• Gus : [shouts]  Clark! Try to hit the ball in the strike zone.

  Clark : Well where's the strike zone?

  [he gets a bit distracted during the pitch] 

  Umpire : Strike two!

  Gus : Right there.

• Gus : Move over honey, I gotta take a leak.

  Liz : Oh my God! You're not kidding!