The Benchwarmers (2006)

Jon Heder: Clark

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gus : Man! I haven't even been on a baseball field in over 10 years.

  Clark : I've never been on a baseball field, if I did, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead.

  Gus : Thats horrible, baseball's America's past time... thats like saying you've never had apple pie.

  Gus : You've never had apple pie?

  Clark : My mom said it would give me diarrhea.

  Gus : That's ridiculous, Clark! You have to try it at least once!

  Clark : Diarrhea?

  Gus : No! Baseball!

• Richie : He just did that steroid free!

  Clark : What's steroids?

  Richie : Something that makes your 'pee-pee' smaller.

  Clark : Ohh... there must be steroids in macaroni!

• Gus : [looking at baseball cards]  We've got statistics! I got 30 homeruns!

  Richie : I got 11 foul ticks!

  Clark : I got 20 eyes-closed strike outs, 5 broken windshields, and 6 dead birds! I'm freakin' awesome!

• Clark : Shut up, Number 7!

  Number 7 Robot : You shut up!

  Clark : I'll kill you!

• Richie : Clark, we don't play baseball.

  Clark : I told Gus that we would be there, and if we don't show up, that makes me a liar... and that's not what I'm about... Not now, NOT EVER!

  Richie : Okay, Okay Daytime Emmy

• Brad : So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now?

  Richie : That's funny, I didn't know athlete had three syllables, A-tha-lete? That's ama-za-zing.

  Brad : You think you're hot shit 'cos you know words.

  Clark : Hey Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us towards the register, or... Register... er...!...

• Brad : Bring it!

  Clark : Suck it!

• Mel : Have you even known the joys of having children?

  Richie : Never had a date.

  Clark : Never talked to a girl.

• Kyle : I'm gonna call the cops!

  Clark : We are cops!... We're navy seals!

  Kyle : Navy seals aren't cops!

  Troy : Aren't you our paperboy?

  Clark : ...I'm undercover

• Kyle : Time to meet your makers!

  Clark : Makers of what? POOP?

• Clark : That nerd makes me look like Rambo.

  Richie : No.

  Clark : John Stamos?

  Richie : Warmer.

• Richie : Clark! You kissed a girl before I did?

  Clark : This is way better than macaroni!

• Mel : Richie, do you have any kids?

  Richie : Never had a date.

  Mel : Clark?

  Clark : Never spoke to a girl.

  Mel : Gu-Gus?

  Gus : Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it.

• Gus : Clark, could you not pick your nose in front of me?

  Clark : I'm not picking, I'm scratching.

  Gus : Scratching what? Your brain?

  Clark : Yeah, 'cause it's huge.

• Clark : Hold on I got a text from my mom... NO WAY we're having maccroni tonight that means garlic bread! Yes!

• Clark : We could still win this thing.

  Richie : Wha-how?

  Clark : If we use the force.

  Richie : Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark.

  Clark : The Force is powerful, my young padawan.

  Howie : He's right. It is.

• Gus : I think this is a sign that you should get a car.

  Clark : My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year.

  [extends arms forward and then retracts] 

  Clark : She wants to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.

• Clark : Is bad ass one or two words?

• Richie : [after Gus hits a homerun]  Wow and he did it without steroids.

  Clark : What's steroids?

  Richie : Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.

  Clark : There must be steroids in macaroni!

• Gus : [to Nelson]  Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

  Mel : Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

  Nelson : I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

  Clark : When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

  Nelson : His son just did that to me last week.

• [looking at Mel's Pontiac Firebird Trans Am] 

  Clark : This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.

  Mel : It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.

  [Mel activates the car with his watch] 

  K.I.T.T. : Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.

  Richie : [to Mel]  Who are you?

  Mel : Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up... to make billions.

• Howie : Richie?

  [hands out a bottle of urine] 

  Richie : Okay, buddy.

  Clark : Is that apple juice?

  Richie : Nooo.

• Clark : [a ball hits Richie in the head]  Duuuuhhhr!

  Richie : You just lost your membership at video world!

  Clark : Dang it!

• Clark : [where someone has recently farted]  Oh! I love beef stew!

• Gus : [shouts]  Clark! Try to hit the ball in the strike zone.

  Clark : Well where's the strike zone?

  [he gets a bit distracted during the pitch] 

  Umpire : Strike two!

  Gus : Right there.