Hoodwinked! (2005)
Andy Dick: Boingo
Photos
Quotes
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Boingo : Dolph, tie up the brat; Liesel, hold the book; Vincent, get the truck; and Keith... darn it change your name, please. That's not scary and I'm embarrassed to say it. Boris, try that. Keith, ya know, OOOO Watch out for Keith!
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The Woodsman : [disguised as Dolph] Uh, Mister Rabbit...
Boingo : Dolph! Where have you been? You nimwitted Eurotrash with the... what is that, a ski mask?
The Woodsman : Uh, I, um, yah...
Boingo : I like that! See, that's scary. Yeah that's good...
The Woodsman : Um, b-boss...
Boingo : WHAT? Say it! Spit it out! What's goin' on?
The Woodsman : Um... boss, uh,
[singing]
The Woodsman : Paul's bunion cream/has the soothing formula...
The Wolf : [interrupts, also in disguise] Hi there! What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector.
The Woodsman : Yah, yes!
The Wolf : I just need to tap the pipes; see if your wiring's up to par.
Boingo : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, you're not... no, you can't touch anything in here.
The Wolf : [pauses] Let's walk.
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Boingo : You've been Hoodwinked, baby!
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The Wolf : [pretending to be a building inspector] Let me level with you, you're an evil genius, right?
Boingo : Well, I don't know if I'd say "genius," you know. I was asked to join Mensa.
The Wolf : Well, you got yourself an evil lair in a mountain cave. That's standard, but see, most masters of evil that we deal with are up to evil genius code. Are you familiar with the code?
Boingo : You know, I'm more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy. Yeah.
The Wolf : I understand. Are you thinking about puttin' in a laser?
Boingo : I don't know. I don't... Do you think I should?
The Wolf : Well, it's standard equipment for a cave lair. I'm not saying you're going to zap someone with it today, but you gotta think about the future. Those things have gotta be calibrated.
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Boingo : I smell hairspray
[looks up and sees Granny]
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Boingo : Oh, you'd best be fearing the ear baby!
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Twitchy : [catching up, out of breath after chasing Red] So when do we eat?
The Wolf : Sure, you hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? 'Cause that's what's for lunch.
Twitchy : What do we do?
The Wolf : We go right to the source. We've gotta get to Granny's before the kid does.
[Boingo appears]
Boingo : Is it a surprise?
The Wolf : Surprise for who?
Boingo : You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. I mean, is it her birthday, or some kind of shim dig, 'cause I'm great at parties! Watch me pull myself out of a hat!
[scratches his right ear against his head with a very forced grimace]
The Wolf : Yeah, big surprise party. You know how to get there?
Boingo : Oh, yeah. Yeah. In fact, I know a shortcut.
The Wolf : [to Twitchy, incredulous] You hear that? He knows a shortcut.
Boingo : Over the woods and through the river... No, you don't wanna go through the river. You'll get all wet.
The Wolf : You see, Twitchy? You get lemons, you make lemonade.
[Cuts to the Wolf and Twitchy walking in ankle-deep water through a pitch-black tunnel; Twitchy turns on his camera light]
The Wolf : And then that lemonade goes bitter, and ferments, and turns to pig-swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy.
Twitchy : Sure thing, boss! Never trust a bunny!
The Wolf : Well the bright side is at least I finally dried off.
[immediately falls into a small hole, soaking his hoodie and bringing the water up to his waist]
The Wolf : Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless, not to mention he wrote the directions on an Easter Egg...
[holds up a brightly colored Easter egg with illegible text scribbled on the side]
The Wolf : ... which is very hard to read.
Twitchy : Oh, we're gonnadie here!
The Wolf : Come on, that's what they said at the Alamo!
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Boingo : [to tied and gagged Red] Hey, you're a delivery girl, right? Then could you do me a favor? Could you take this down the mountain? 'Cause it absolutely, positively has to be there TONIGHT!
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Boingo : Oh you best be fearing the ear, baby!
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[to the bound and gagged Red]
Boingo : I'm sorry, what... I can't quite... with the... you got something right there across your mouth!
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[Dolph and Boingo get off the tram at the top terminal]
Dolph : I don't like it. The cops are all over the place.
Boingo : Forget about the cops! We've got everything we need right here!
Dolph : What about the old lady? She's alive. She'll be back.
Boingo : You just don't get it, do you, Dolph? I'm done! I'm done dancing for the man - The Muffin Man! And Granny! They can both take a hike! I'm never gonna answer to anyone ever again!
[Boingo bursts out wailing, then cackles, then cries, all in a matter of seconds, then immediately sobers up]
Boingo : Oh! I just love my job!
[He and Dolph start walking down the loading ramp]
Boingo : You see how it works, Dolph? You prioritize, you set your goals, you write a mission statement. You ask yourself, "Where do I see me in five years?"
Red Puckett : How about behind bars?
[Boingo turns around and sees Red standing at the bottom of the ramp, glaring at him]
Boingo : [surprised] Red! Oh! Hey, Red! What are you- you've spoiled the surprise!
Red Puckett : You're the bandit!
[beat]
Boingo : Surprise!
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[while Red is riding her bike, Boingo spots her]
Boingo : Hey, Red!
[hops into her bike basket as she passes]
Boingo : Ohh, nice outfit! Always red with you. You must be in autumn.
Red Puckett : Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today?
Boingo : [glum] Na, he closed up shop. Someone stole all his recipes last night, and now I'm out of a job.
Red Puckett : Oh, geez, Boingo, I'm really sorry. Are you still working the cable car?
Boingo : Yeah, yeah I am but it's not as fun as making goodies all day.
Red Puckett : Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better?
[hands him one]
Boingo : [brightening] Oh boy! Oh boy! Thanks, Red, I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascal... devil!
Red Puckett : Yeah, well, the woods don't go 'round by themselves.
