Blades of Glory (2007)
Will Ferrell: Chazz Michael Michaels
Photos
Quotes
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Jimmy : So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.
Coach : Oh, really?
Chazz : We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."
Jimmy : [disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.
Chazz : No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...
Jimmy : No, it's not, it's gross...
Chazz : ...It gets the people going!
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Chazz : Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.
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Chazz : Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!
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Chazz : Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.
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Chazz : [to Jimmy's voice mail] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me...
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Chazz : We love you Denver! City by the Bay!
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Chazz : No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.
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Chazz : [while trying to cut off the rope tied on his feet using one of his skate blades] Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!
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Chazz : I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!
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Chazz : I don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you Jimmy, and I don't wanna miss a thing.
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Chazz : Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli...
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Chazz : [while Jimmy is giving a speech] That's retarded
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Chazz : And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here
[pointing to heart]
Chazz : it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother
[grabs Jimmy]
Chazz : , this is my brother
[grabs Katie]
Chazz : and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf.
Jimmy : Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital.
Chazz : What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.
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Chazz : Ahh, my nutsack!
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Chazz : Don't make me kill her!
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Chazz : Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning.
Jimmy : Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
Chazz : I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.
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Chazz : [backstage at "Grublets On Ice"] I hate my life.
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Chazz : [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] Hey! Hey, you little forest creatures! None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes!
Chazz : [drunk while performing in "Grublets On Ice"] I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality. Just another layer to the legend. I am nothing but a human onion! In fact, we all a... Ugh, encore!
[begins throwing up again]
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Chazz : I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.
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Chazz : So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice... with your weiner?
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Chazz : I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.
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[Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video]
Coach : [confidently] Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus.
Chazz : Are you nuts?
Jimmy : Wha...? We can't do that!
Coach : C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.
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Chazz : You're living in the past, Sammi. Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the HERE and NOW.
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Chazz : [while attempting the Iron Lotus] I swear to God, if you cut my head off...
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Chazz : It makes my hair shine like Orion's Belt out on the ice.
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Chazz : But I remember Boston, and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.
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Chazz : Get that damn bird out of my face before I break its neck.
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Chazz : Throw me some chicken.
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Chazz : [while performing in Grublets on Ice] Hey, everyone! This is Gary the squirrel! Now, listen up, Gary's been a long time friend. We've been skating for... two and a half years. i remember when we were hanging out near a bus stop in Tucson, He said "Hey, I've got a third ball"
[Chazz pukes in his wizard mask]
Chazz : I just threw up in here people!
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Chazz : Thank you Denver, The City by the Bay John Denver.
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Chazz : [Leaving a voice mail message] Hey, Jimmy. Hey, it's me, Chazz. Look, what happened back there - so not a big deal. Just think of it as, like a, boob handshake - between me and your lady's boob. Look, that's not coming out right, I'll explain it. Call me back! Please, it's me, Chazz.
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Female Sex Addict/Rinkside Nurse : [Chazz, injured, hobbles off the rink] Are you okay? I'm gonna have to cut your pants off
Chazz : Start up near the crotch. Its a better access point.
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Chazz : This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
Jimmy : I could hold it all day long, try me!
Chazz : Maybe I will.
Jimmy : Maybe you should.
Chazz : You challenging me, princess?
Jimmy : I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's annual Christmas party.
Chazz : Then bring it on!
Jimmy : It is on!
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Chazz : [the crowd is booing and throwing garbage onto the ice] Oh, bring it on! Let it rain down on me!
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Chazz : Better step aside homeschool, there's a new Sheriff in town.
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Jimmy : [Jimmy walks in on Chazz and Katie getting intimate] Y-y-y-you sex demon! You sex fiend!
Chazz : This isn't what it looks like.
[Grabs Katie's breast]
Jimmy : Impure! Impure!
[Runs out of the room]
Katie Van Waldenberg : Jimmy, wait!
Chazz : Brother man!
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Chazz : [a the Figure Skating Association hearing] Maxim Magazine, last issue: "Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating!" BOOM!
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Chazz : I am never satisfied! It's a curse...
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Chazz : We're going to Montreal bitch!
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Chazz : You're welcome Stockholm!
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Chazz : SNOWBALL!