Blades of Glory (2007)

Craig T. Nelson: Coach

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jimmy : So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.

  Coach : Oh, really?

  Chazz : We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."

  Jimmy : [disgusted]  I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.

  Chazz : No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...

  Jimmy : No, it's not, it's gross...

  Chazz : ...It gets the people going!

• Coach : You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?

  Chazz : I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.

• [Chazz and Jimmy have tied for the Gold Medal in Men's Singles] 

  Darren MacElroy : You're fired.

  Coach : What? I got him a Gold Medal.

  Darren MacElroy : No, you got him half a Gold Medal. If I wanted him to share, I would have gotten him a brother.

• Chazz : Two men skating? That's a riot. A laugh riot.

  Coach : I don't see what's so funny.

  Chazz : If you were as drunk as me, you would.

• Coach : [to Jimmy and Chazz]  Alright, ladies. Tea party's over. We got two days 'til Montreal. I want to see an Iron Lotus.

• [Chazz and Jimmy have just seen the decapitation caused by the Iron Lotus on video] 

  Coach : [confidently]  Okay, so what do you say? Let's try an Iron Lotus.

  Chazz : Are you nuts?

  Jimmy : Wha...? We can't do that!

  Coach : C'mon. What are you talking about? Look, after all these years, I know what went wrong. The physics were off; it was a man and a woman. That's why it didn't work. You're two men... you should be fine.

• Coach : What do you guys have that all other teams don't have?

  Chazz : Twin dongs?

• Coach : [interjecting as Chazz and Jimmy are arguing]  All right, this is gonna stop right now! From here on out, you guys are a team. Do you understand? You are going to eat together, sleep together, you are going to pee together, you're gonna file a joint income tax return; practice starts now! End of discussion!

• Coach : You're the girl.

  Jimmy : What?

  Chazz : You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.

  Jimmy : Wait, why?

  Coach : Because you whine like one!

  [turns to Chazz] 

  Coach : And no one can lift your fat ass, you're on a diet starting now.

• Coach : Figure skating? Give it up, Jimmy! It's like a cruel bitch mother!

• Jimmy : This ice has not been properly Zamboned! Where's the warm-down room?

  Coach : We don't have any of that. What we've got is a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.

  Chazz : Nice choice, Coach.

  Coach : Turned out well.