- [Cortez and Jo-Beth are looking down a deep shaft with bizzar creature noises coming from below]
- Jo-Beth Casey: You go first.
- Cortez: [Cortez looks at Jo-Beth's short skirt] Okay
- R-110: What's the difference between a human and a lump of rotting meat? About one week.
- The Deerhaunter: THE MOOOSE IS LOOOSE!
- R-110: By your command
- Captain Ash: [a Guard tries to shoot Captain Ash, but misses and hits his pipe] That was my best pipe, you bounders!
- Captain Ash: Good morning there! Can I interest you with some castle insurance? Covers from fires, floods, and besieging armies!
- Captain Ash: Well you've got the explosives old boy, it's time this door wasn't here!
- [Takes cover by the corner]
- Anya: Something tells me the Captain's done this before...
- Captain Ash: Last one alive is a big girl's blouse!
- Captain Ash: The pygmies of ullawonga were tougher than this!
- Captain Ash: [to the guards on the other side of the ravine] Lower this drawbridge or I'll give you a right good thumping!
- Captain Ash: Do you think that thing can be used for, say, oh, I don't know... bank vaults perhaps?
- Captain Ash: [Speaking with the Jungle Queen] They made you do what? LIKE A MONKEY? THOSE BOUNDEREDS!
- Clip Clamp: Do I have red on me?
- [falls over]
- Sgt. Cortez: Hold it right there, Crow!
- [Crow stops trying to sneak away]
- Sgt. Cortez: Where are they?
- Old Crow: What?
- Sgt. Cortez: The crystals! The time device!
- Old Crow: What are you talking about?
- Sgt. Cortez: Don't play dumb with me, Crow! I know everything! I know you used the crystals to travel back to 1994 to tell your younger self to carry on your twisted genetic experiments, using the power of the time crystals!
- Old Crow: [He hasn't done this yet so he is confused] Really?
- Amy Chen: [Also has no idea] Really?
- Sgt. Cortez: [Looks at both of them like they are crazy, in an 'Of course!' sort of way] Well... yeah!
- Old Crow: And where exactly do I get this "time device"?
- Jacob Crow: [Teleports in from nowhere, not realizing Cortez is present] Don't be alarmed. It's me, your younger self. I have come from the past to give you this time device! You must take it, and...
- Old Crow: Ah ah! I think I already know.
- Jacob Crow: [Notices Cortez, recognizes him] Ah, okay then... oh, it's the red button.
- [Disappears]
- Old Crow: Ha ha ha! Ta ta! I'm off to live forever!
- [Disappears, laughing menacingly]
- Sgt. Cortez: [Visibly getting angry, because he has just given all that information which otherwise would not have been known by Crow] Ahhhh... AHHHHH
- [Yells]
- Sgt. Cortez: DAAAAAMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!
- Harry Tipper: [Cortez's yell is so loud it goes to the 60s, where Harry hears it] Space man!
- [Kitten Celeste moans for him to keep making out]
- Harry Tipper: Oh... oh right. He he.
- Guard: It's not fair, the girls get much nicer uniforms than we do.
- Guard 2: Er, you want to wear the girls' uniforms?
- Guard: Yes, I think they give good freedom of movement, and they must be nice and cool in summer.
- Guard 2: Oh, man, you're weird! Why are you telling me this?
- Guard: I think you will understand. I have watched you a lot. I think you are not like the others, I think we could become special friends. But now that we are alone, now is the time for actions, not words.
- Guard 2: Mummy!
- Nurse Tourniquet: Got any injuries? No? Want some?
- Nurse Gulag: Okay, this may make your eyes water. Bend over please... Ah, you might find this a little uncomfortable.
- Young Crow: ...Grandpa?...
- Old Crow: No, fool! It's me!
- Young Crow: Grandpa.
- Old Crow: No... I'm you!
- Young Crow: You're me...?
- Old Crow: Yes... from the future.
- Jacob Crow: Never mind. You're too late; you can't stop me now!... er... us... well, me! Get us out of here. Ha-ha-ha-ha! See you in the future, sucker! Ha-ha-ha! The red button!... No, the one on the side. Ha-ha-ha! Yea, that one! Ha-ha-ha!
- Female Guard: So Goran and I finally did it last night.
- Female Guard 2: Really? What was it like?
- Female Guard: It was fascinating. I always thought cults were for losers, but Goran said the Cult of Ultra Science was different. So we argued, but he persuaded me that we should join, and we did last night. I certainly don't regret it, we are special now, and we are going to get more and more so.
- Female Guard 2: What do you mean special?
- Female Guard: I can't say, unless you join yourself. Don't worry the initiation isn't too bad, although it still hurts to sit down!
- Female Guard 2: Well, I am curious. I want to be special too, and I don't mind a little pain.
- Jo-Beth Casey: [Am climbing in the window] There's no way I'm backing out now. So you can either help me or get out of my way.
- Sgt. Cortez: Fine. But I'm using the front door.
- [Waiting for a really slow elevator]
- Sgt. Cortez: So... been with the agency long?
- Amy Chen: Uh, yea... three years in May.
- Sgt. Cortez: Mmm... you got dental?
- Amy Chen: ...Yea, yea...
- Sgt. Cortez: Huh. That's good.
- [Elevator finally arrived. Cortez jumps eagerly inside]
- Sgt. Cortez: Yea! Time to split!
- Amy Chen: I'll get the next one.
- R-110: Eat my laser. Eat it!
- Booty Guard: I'm used to handling big weapons. In fact, I get paid for it.
- Handyman: I am the glovenor. Pick me, I'm quite handy.
- Deadwina: Do you see what your cunning daughter has done? My mother sucks lollipops in hell.
- Dr. Lancet: Time to unleash the arsekickulator.
- Jo-Beth Casey: [Spins around kicks Cortez in groin and takes a picture] Hey, You're no zombie!
- Sgt. Cortez: [In squeaky voice] Yeah.
- Sgt. Cortez: [Clears throat, voice returns to normal]
- Sgt. Cortez: Yeah, I'm aware of that.
- Jo-Beth Casey: Did Donny send you? Well it isn't enough to send me to some stupid house that someone's trying to scare me, too! I'm good enough to be in his gang! He thinks someone should go take pictures of zombies and...
- Sgt. Cortez: Hold it, Hold it! What do you mean zombies?
- Jo-Beth Casey: You know, zombies.
- Sgt. Cortez: [No response]
- Jo-Beth Casey: Flesh eating creatures of the night?
- Sgt. Cortez: [No response]
- Jo-Beth Casey: From the graveyard this house is built on?
- Sgt. Cortez: [No response]
- Jo-Beth Casey: That's why it's haunted? Oh, come on, everyone knows the stories!
- Sgt. Cortez: [Shakes head]
- Jo-Beth Casey: You're not from around here are you...
- Sgt. Cortez: No. And it's dangerous here. You should go home.
- Jo-Beth Casey: Are you kidding? There is no way I'm backing out now, so you can either help me, or stay out of the way!
- [Continues to try and climb in through the window]
- Sgt. Cortez: Fine. But I'm using the front door.
- [Walks away]
- Jo-Beth Casey: [Looks around scared] Hey wait up!
- [Runs to Cortez]
- Amy Chen: [Runs to elevator with Cortez]
- [Presses down button]
- Amy Chen: This should take us to Crow's secret lab!
- Sgt. Cortez: Argh! I'm ready!
- [Presses down button a few more times]
- Amy Chen: I pressed it already!
- Sgt. Cortez: Yeah right! Argh!
- Captain Ash: I say, what are you doing way out here old chap?
- Sgt. Cortez: I'm supposed to be on that island.
- Captain Ash: Are you sure, old bean? This whole place is about to be bombed to kingdom come!
- Sgt. Cortez: [Looks confused] By who?
- Captain Ash: Well, by the Navy of course!
- [They both look at the huge Navy ship at sea]
- Sgt. Cortez: Damn it!
- Private: They're comin' out of the walls! They're comin' out of the God damn walls!
- Past Cortez: [Tries to open locked door]
- Future Cortez: Psst... hey! Up here!
- Past Cortez: Wha - but - you're me!
- Future Cortez: Heh... I knew you'd say that. Here.
- [Throws Past Cortez a key]
- Past Cortez: A key... but what does it - ?
- Future Cortez: [Cuts Past Cortez off] You'll figure it out! Just make sure to pass it on when you're done.
- [Walks away]
- Past Cortez: [Looks around confused] What the hell just happened?
- Captain Ash: [after Cortez shoots guard with flare gun] Good shot.
- Sgt. Cortez: I don't think much of this weapon.
- Harry Tipper: [after stopping the train, seemingly just in time, camera pans to about 250 yards back, where Kitten Celeste is tied to the track] Heh. Not even close.
- Kypriss: Six arms are better then two.
- Female Guard: Oh, god, it's like giving birth.