- Fernando: Will Laguna Beach "A" hang for a second straight title? Will they look sexy doing it? Will Batman escape the clutches of the Penguin and run off with his crazy boyfriend Robin? I don't know. We'll just have to see the answer tomorrow.
- Rip: [to Tyler] Well, well, well, if it isn't old Southern Cali again. Aren't you, uh, running a little late for your spray-on tan appointment? The old Ripter's got a little beach recipe for you. First, you add a little take a hike, and you blend in a little asshole. You know what I call it? Take a hike, asshole.
- Larry: I dreamed about monkeys last night. They have monkeys in Costa Rica. I dreamed that, you know, I made friends with one on the senior trip.
- Taz: Okay. Larry, you've go to stop with these gay-ass dreams. Seriously. Look, have you been reading those Hustlers I gave you?
- Larry: A lot of the pages are stuck together.
- Taz: Yeah, they do that. Uh, humidity.
- Rip: Look, Larry, if you're gonna rip with the big boys, you got to learn to understand women.
- Taz: Uh, not the best advice, Ripster. Dude's a total virgin.
- Mo: Yeah, man. The only booty call he's ever seen starred Jamie Foxx.
- Rip: Is that true, Larry?
- Larry: No. Actually I didn't catch Booty Call. I had an S.A.T. review course. And mother thinks Jamie Foxx is a potty-mouth.
- Rip: Larry, are you a virgin, man?
- Larry: Yes.
- Rip: Wow, man. I haven't seen one of you around here since "Grinder Teeth" took out little Jimmy McGee behind the dumpster at the pomegranate hut.
- Tillie: Well, as you know, every revolution requires a secret mission or two to level the battlefield, so Boris and I whipped up a little something that might even the odds tomorrow.
- Taz: What is this?
- Tillie: Microscopic crabs. Kind of tough to focus on your surfing when you got those cute little critters dancing in your shorts.
- Boris: In 1971, I put the crabs like that into the jockstrap of President Nixon. I was towel boy in racquet club, and there is famous film of Nixon shaking the hand of Chinese premier, and then immediately he scratches his balls.
- Larry: Jordan, I know you're on an inspirational roll, but I don't think this is gonna work with me. I had my first erotic spanking from a chimp last night, and everybody on this beach knows it. Even their mothers know it.
- Rip: The way I see it, you got two choices here. You can sit around all mopey-faced like your grandmother got her ass cheek ripped of by a hammerhead shark, or you can hope that tomorrow the surf gods grant you a tasty curl out there, all right?
- Tyler: Well, the Laguna Barneys managed not to drown. That's impressive. So make sure you guys come to the Dead Fish tonight to celebrate. Berthita's giving lap dances. Better than a chimp.