- Stephen Colbert: I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.
- Stephen Colbert: [Discussing Martin Luther King] Dr King envisioned a day when the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners, could sit down together at the table of brotherhood. For a feast of plently. I believe that day has come. And what I wanna know is... what will we have for dessert? I can't speak for others, but for my own part... I have a dreamsicle.
- [Holds up a popsicle]
- Stephen Colbert: Mr King saw the South sweltering with the heat of oppression! Well, what better way to cool off than with a frozen... tasty confection? I have... a dreamsicle.
- [Takes a bite out of the popsicle]
- Stephen Colbert: He wanted children not to be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character! Just like this dreamsicle! If you judged it souly by it's outer shell, you'd think it was a sorbe. You'd be missing out on all it's inner, creamy contents.
- [Takes another bite]
- Stephen Colbert: I have a dreamsicle! Look at the way the white and the orange are working together, side by side in harmony.
- [Takes another bite]
- Stephen Colbert: Mmm... I really wish you could taste this! If you think of the orange part as white people, and the white part as black people, it's almost as if the two races are holding hands. Because all men are created equal... equally delicious! I have a dreamsicle!
- [Takes another bite]
- Stephen Colbert: And... in his last lines, Dr King envisions every valley exhaulted, every hill made... GOD!
- [Holds his forehead]
- Stephen Colbert: Aggh, brain freeze! Oohhh... ahhh! Oh Jesus, that hurt! Ugh, forget it! Nothing's worth this pain... good night.
- Stephen Colbert: [debating Russ Lieber on minimum wage] Look, people don't have to work for what I'm paying them, they don't have to show up. It's not slave labor. By the way, slave labor- I'm against it. Rebuttal?
- Russ Lieber: Um, well... I'm against it too.
- Stephen Colbert: I accept your apology. Look, they tried your idea in Russia. Minimum wage is just line item Communism! All right? The government is controlling the economy. We won the Cold War, Mr Lieber, fair and square.
- Russ Lieber: Well, I don't see what the Cold War has to do with this.
- Stephen Colbert: Then why don't you support our troops?
- Russ Lieber: I, I do! I don't see what that has to do with...
- Stephen Colbert: So it'd be better for you if Saddam were back in power?
- Russ Lieber: No, we were talking about minimum wage.
- Stephen Colbert: On September 11th, 2001...
- Russ Lieber: Oh come on, September 11th has nothing to do with this!
- Stephen Colbert: I am not gonna let anyone sit here and bad mouth our firemen! No way! Sorry, not on my show, mister! Cut off his mike!
- Russ Lieber: Oh, now wait a second!
- Stephen Colbert: Cut off his mike!
- [Lieber's mike is cut off, but he's still talking]
- Stephen Colbert: I can still hear him, what is that? Is he coming through my mike? Cut off my mike!
- Stephen Colbert: Look, I just think that Rosa Parks was overrated.
- Conan O'Brien: Rosa Parks was overrated? That's-that's madness!
- Stephen Colbert: Conan, last time I checked, she got famous by breaking the law.
- Conan O'Brien: Breaking the law? She was standing up for a whole race of people. She was a freedom fighter!
- Stephen Colbert: Conan, how do I know that there wasn't an old, sick, white man who needed that seat in the front of the bus?
- Conan O'Brien: How can you say that?
- Stephen Colbert: Conan, I'm gonna keep saying this until Rosa Parks's children apologize for what their mother did to that bus company!
- Conan O'Brien: You want Rosa Parks's children to apologize?
- Stephen Colbert: Absolutely.
- Conan O'Brien: Gah! Okay, I'm sorry. I have no choice.
- [shoots Stephen in the chest, who then rises up a second later]
- Stephen Colbert: [unaffected] Typical East Coast, Ivy League-educated response.
- Conan O'Brien: [pause] We'll take a break. We'll be right back.
- Stephen Colbert: Look, I respect your right to disagree with me. Don't get me wrong.
- Conan O'Brien: I shot you very near the heart!
- Stephen Colbert: ["Formidable Opponent:" Stephen Colbert debating with Stephen Colbert on charity] But, I could take care of my minimal needs and send the rest of the money to the poor.
- Stephen Colbert: Okay, think about this: You could buy a $100,000 Mercedes S600, or you could buy a $10,000 pile of crap from Korea and give the left over 110,000 to...
- Stephen Colbert: An orphanage?
- Stephen Colbert: Whatever lets you sleep. One day, you go to check on your orphans. It's raining, and you don't have the benefits of that fine German engineering. You spin out of control. You're like a loose lawnmower blade. And what's that ahead? It's your orphans! They've come out into the street to thank you for your selfless gift.
- Stephen Colbert: Get out of the street orphans!
- Stephen Colbert: Oh, I forgot to mention: They're deaf.
- Stephen Colbert: Noooooo!
- Stephen Colbert: Yes. Yeah, tragedy. Tragedy all because you didn't care enough to make a difference for yourself.
- Stephen Colbert: Wow. You've really opened my eyes, Stephen. Say, um, does it have to be a car?
- Stephen Colbert: No, it could be a really sweet boat.
- Stephen Colbert: [Stephen states that celebrities are the ones to listen to about love] Thankfully, there are three celebrity relationship that are strong enough not only to last, but to teach the rest of us. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, and William H Macy and Felicity Huffman. From their example, I've created "Stephen's Laws of Love" There are four laws, follow them and you'll be a happy and successful husband and/or wife. Law number one: find someone whose name can be merged with yours to form a marketable nickname. Just like Brangelina, Bennifer 2, or... Filliam H. Muffman...
- [Stephen cracks up over the name, putting his cards over his face, but still visibly cracking up in a rare display]
- Stephen Colbert: The merged names... the merged names symbolize your un...
- [He cracks up again]
- Stephen Colbert: ... got a little something in my eye there. The merged names symbolize your unity and creates headline space, so that the phrase "sex tape" can be printed below it in a larger font. Law number two, marry someone within...
- [Stephen almost cracks up again]
- Stephen Colbert: ... marry someone in the exact same field as you. If possible, someone you work with. After all, it worked for "Mr and Mrs Smith", "Daredevil" and "The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman" Not enough people saw that one.
- Stephen Colbert: If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
- Stephen Colbert: Shave your head, get a wet sponge, and flip the switch, 'cause you're about to get a Truthocution!
- Mike Mark Carrion: [Stephen is calling the Humane Society after they were "livid" about his hatred of bears] Hello, this is Mike Mark Carrion.
- Stephen Colbert: Mike, I want to know who to give my anger to.
- Mike Mark Carrion: What seems to be the problem?
- Stephen Colbert: This is Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report. It says here in The Philadelphia Inquirer that your organization, quote "was livid" about an episode of my show. Is this true?
- Mike Mark Carrion: Well, we're livid about the trophy hunting of bears in New Jersey, which-which...
- Stephen Colbert: The Philadelphia Inquirer says here that you are livid about the episode. Are they lying or are you lying?
- Mike Mark Carrion: We were livid that people killed nearly 300 bears for trophies last December in New Jersey.
- Stephen Colbert: Are you aware that bears are Godless killing machines?
- Mike Mark Carrion: Bears are not killing machines.
- Stephen Colbert: But you will admit that they are Godless?
- Mike Mark Carrion: Uh...
- Stephen Colbert: What if a bear was breaking into your house to get at your women? Would you shoot it then or would you just say "take 'em?"?
- Mike Mark Carrion: You know, when bears cause conflict, it's usually because people have attracted them...
- Stephen Colbert: Oh, it's our fault! It's our fault, because I have doughnuts!
- Mike Mark Carrion: Well, we encourage people to store their food and trash properly if...
- Stephen Colbert: Were you livid with my show?
- Mike Mark Carrion: We were livid with the killing of these bears in New Jersey.
- Stephen Colbert: I accept your apology.
- Mike Mark Carrion: I didn't apologize.
- Stephen Colbert: Too late! Goodbye!
- Stephen Colbert: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! But I've got oven mitts. This is the Colbert Report.
- Tim Robbins: Why do you hate the truth?
- Stephen Colbert: I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of.
- Stephen Colbert: On Oprah's show they did it right. One of her guests was asked about truthiness, and here's what he said.
- [clip shows a man saying truthiness was coined by Stephen]
- Stephen Colbert: Now that guy, I don't know who he was, he gave me the credit I was due! And, uh, something else there...
- [clip rolls again]
- Stephen Colbert: Right there! Off camera, Oprah says "Yeah"! Play that back, and this time, let's isolate Oprah!
- [slow motion version of the clip plays, where Oprah says, "Yeah"]
- Stephen Colbert: Yeah! I think she might have even said, "Hell, yeah." But regardless, that is proof positive that Oprah Winfrey knows who I am! This, ladies and gentlemen, should be the headline on tomorrow's New York Times! Oprah, on existence of Stephen Colbert: Yeah.
- Stephen Colbert: When you're President Senator Clinton, we'll be able to bring the troops home on flying pigs provided that it's not too cold for them to fly, what with Hell having frozen over!
- [audience laughs]
- Stephen Colbert: Maybe we can hold the parade on "Highly Improbable Day"!
- Arianna Huffington: You know what, you say you want democracy. But all but 20% of Iraqis want us gone. So if you want democracy, why don't you listen to what the Iraqis are saying?
- Stephen Colbert: Hey, what if we pulled out of our own civil war, Arianna? We'd still have slaves! Why do you hate black people? Air tight logic!
- Stephen Colbert: Anyone can *read* the news *to* you. What I plan to do is *feel* the news *at* you.
- Stephen Colbert: This teaches children a valuable lesson: Expect nothing and be happy you're not kidnapped.
- Stephen Colbert: [debating himself on torture] This is America. We don't torture. Respect for human life is what separates us from those we're fighting. If we stoop to their level, in a way, we've already lost.
- Stephen Colbert: But if we don't stoop to their level, we might lose in a worse way... by actually losing.
- Stephen Colbert: Now I have my own problems with James Frey. Not because of the inconsistencies in his memoir, nothing wrong with stretching the truth. After all, we stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious. In fact, I respect him for making up his past! It shows character. Too many people just let their past happen to them. It's part of the culture of victimization. "Ooh, I had no control over the circumstances of my birth!" But when you decide to have had a difficult childhood, that... that's really owning your past! And in a fundamentally refreshing way, taking responsibility for it. It's so rare these days. Besides, taking liberties with the truth is an American tradition. In fact, the word liberty is right there in the word liberties!
- Stephen Colbert: Tensions have been rising between Afghanistan and the West over the fate of an Afghani man sentenced to death for converting from Islam to Christianity, casting Afghanistan in a negative light. Which brings us to our number one threat... Jesus! Jesus is such a powerful and appealing Messiah that Muslims can't help but convert to Christianity, and follow his teachings! But now, our Lord and Savior is jeopardizing our President's legacy. Afghanistan is Bush's success story! Where we toppled a repressive regime and replaced it with Western democracy. Thanks to Jesus, all that good will might be going right down the tube! So I call on the Son of God, the one true Christ, to just back off a little! The President's on your side, Sir! You should be on his! Leave the Muslims alone and save the true power of your glory for when we need it... midterm elections!
- Stephen Colbert: The Pittsburgh Post Gazette is reporting on a new phenomenon called wrap rage. Where people injure themselves trying to open difficult plastic packages with sharp objects. It goes on to say that according to a report, British researchers blame wrap rage for more than 60,000 injuries in that country. Okay, let's see, if England's population is 60 million, and they had 60,000 injuries, and our population is 300 million, how many injuries would we... hold on, I can do this. Um, let me just get my brand new graphing calculator.
- [Gets out a calculator in a wrapped plastic package, and tries to open it]
- Stephen Colbert: This, uh, this'll only take a second here.
- [Can't open it]
- Stephen Colbert: Let me get that...
- [Tries to bite it open, but can't]
- Stephen Colbert: Okay, I'm gonna lose that battle right there... let me get that.
- [Tries to use a pencil, but it breaks]
- Stephen Colbert: Okay... motherfucker, okay! Get open, come on!
- [Tries to stab scissors through it]
- Stephen Colbert: You are MINE! I will see you in HELL!
- [Throws the package away]
- Stephen Colbert: Caution: This show may be a suffocation hazard because you can't poke holes in my arguments!
- Stephen Colbert: I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
- Stephen Colbert: [discussing terrorists escaping prison through large tunnels] Projects this size cannot merely be accomplished by mere humans. It seems that our enemies are in league... with the mole men. Now what gets me here is that the mole men are supposed to be peaceful creatures! Superman defended them against an angry mob of townsfolk who feared that which they could not understand! Why would they consort with the enemy? Wait... wait, I got it! It's the C.H.U.D! Which I don't need to tell you are the Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers! C.H.U.D... now you've gone too far.
- Stephen Colbert: Don't worry Republicans. Just like the Lord you shall rise again.
- "The Word" side-screen: Lord Voldemort
- Stephen Colbert: You know, I've been running this show, four nights a week, for... five nights now...
- Stephen Colbert: [interviewing Tim Robbins] I don't think I need to tell you, I have, I'm really split on you, Mr Robbins. On one hand, I think you are a true artist, who through your work is enriching our culture. On the other side, I think your politics are killing us by inches. Okay? So I'm not exactly sure what kinda question to lead off with here. Why don't I try to split the difference? What's it like working with Clint Eastwood, and why do you hate our troops?
- Stephen Colbert: The 9/11 Commission says we are woefully unprepared for another terrorist attack, calling it inevitable. Well, it's inevitable now that we've told the terrorists about it!
- [whispers]
- Stephen Colbert: For God sake, shut the fuck up!
- Stephen Colbert: Strike up the klezmer and start acting like a man! You're about to have a Truth Mitzvah.
- Stephen Colbert: [discussing the potential ports deal with Dubai] I hesitate to say this, but while Bush may, in fact, be right, it feels like Bush... is wrong. Ooh!
- [holds his gut]
- Stephen Colbert: Oh, that hurts my gut! Oh, cause my gut tells me George Bush is always right! Oh God!
- [holds his head]
- Stephen Colbert: That hurts my brain, cause this is so clearly not the right gut political decision for him to have made! Ooh, there's my gut again! Bush is right... aggh, he's wrong... gahh, he's right... noo! Agh, he can't be both wrong and right at the same time!
- "The Word" side-screen: Does Not Compute!
- Stephen Colbert: ...or can he? Has he really gotten that advanced? Oh splendor, it all coheres! It doesn't have to make sense to my head or my gut!
- "The Word" side-screen: Or Your Bulletpoint
- Stephen Colbert: We just have to do what he says no matter what! Oh, that's gonna make things a lot easier. Well there it is. Bush is right! Absolutely!
- "The Word" side-screen: Maybe
- [having referenced how God is punishing the earth with hurricanes and strokes]
- Stephen Colbert: And Oregon, where do you get off letting people commit suicide? If God wanted them to die, he would send hurricanes and blood clots.
- Stephen Colbert: Which is clearer, "I am the lamb of God?"...
- "The Word" side-screen: Huh?
- Stephen Colbert: ...or "Hey you better build a boat quick 'cause I'm going to drown the world!"
- "The Word" side-screen: Loud and clear, chief!