Mock the Week (2005–2022)

Rory Bremner: Self

Quotes 

• Team Captain : [Unlikely things for a news reporter to say; as Trevor MacDonald]  Welcome to ITV News... ON ICE!

• Team Captain : [Celebrity Dating Videos; as Nelson Mandela]  Ah! Hello! I'm an ex-politician and human rights activist. And I'm looking for a strong African woman. I'm over eighty, I look like a pint of Guinness, but wait till you see Nelson's Column!

• Team Captain : [If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months]  On average, how long does the NHS take to give pregnant women a bed in maternity?

• Hugh Dennis : [the panel are asked what to do about bird flu. Hugh is a Tory MP; Rory is the Duke of Edinburgh]  Well, personally I think we ought to do away with all birds, including swans.

  Team Captain : They belong to my wife, you bastard!

  Hugh Dennis : Oh, yeah. I've shagged your wife, as well.

  Team Captain : You lucky devil! I haven't had sex with her for nearly sixty years!

• Team Captain : [Rory is Tony Blair giving a speech; Hugh is translating]  As Prime Minister, it is my duty to protect the people of this nation.

  Hugh Dennis : Whoops!

  Team Captain : Many nights I've lain awake, gazing into the abyss...

  Hugh Dennis : I wish Cherie would sleep with her mouth closed.

  Team Captain : I know that a lot of people have been wondering when I'm going to retire...

  Hugh Dennis : I know Gordon has been wondering when I'm going to retire...

  Team Captain : I'm sure that one day, Gordon will make a great leader...

  Hugh Dennis : ...of the Opposition...

  Team Captain : But I'm not a king-maker. There will be a proper procedure for deciding the leader who follows me.

  Hugh Dennis : Whomsoever pulls the sword from the stone! He shall be the one!