Samoan Wedding (2006)

Oscar Kightley: Albert

Quotes 

• Sefa : Let's go. Drive like the wind Bolo!

  Bolo : My name is Paul.

  Sefa : Bolo.

  Albert : Bolo.

  Michael : Bolo.

  Stanley : Bolo.

  Sefa , Albert , Michael , Stanley : PAUL!

• Stanley : [to Albert]  What about Tanya? Tanya, who you work with?

  Michael : I thought she's seeing someone else.

  Albert : She hangs out with Derek.

  Stanley : She thinks he's a dick.

  Michael : So how come she's going out with him?

  Stanley : She's not going out with him.

  Michael : That's not what she said when I asked her to go to the wedding with me.

  Albert : Michael, you asked Tanya? Are there any girls I like that you haven't asked out?

  Stanley : So you DO like her.

  Albert : So? She hangs out with dickwick Derek and his homeboys, he's obviously the "someone else"!

  Stanley : Or, she hangs out with Derek because she's lonely, cause the dickwick she likes doesn't know she exists.

  Michael : How do you know all this?

  Stanley : I'm not just a pair of fancy shoes, you know.

• Albert : Man, we're gonna be banned from our own funerals.

• Albert : Et tu, Brute?

  Sefa : What are you speaking Maori for?

• Derek : T, sup girl. Sole, malo man.

  Albert : Who you calling "sole"?

  Derek : Hound dog in the fale.

  Albert : Derek start speaking your own language, you come from Glenfield.

  Derek : Sole man, I'm down. My boys growing up on my block, P.I. and proud represent. G-g-g- Gfield.

  Albert : G-g-g Glenfield. Not Gfield.

  Derek : Word. T, my crews hitting the Muddy Farmer after work. You up girl?

  Albert : This will be your crew from the claims department.

  Derek : Sole don't be a hater, be a player congratulator.

• Albert : [Out drinking with Princess and the Duckrockers]  I feel less than ideal...

  [throwing up in the restroom] 

  Albert : ... Do I still look cool...?

  Stanley : Yeah... you hardly look wasted bro'.

• [the guys propose to the Pastor to bring girls to the wedding] 

  Albert : It's so we're different people when these girls around. Even Sefa behaves when Leilani is with him, that's why he never takes her anywhere. Sione's like a little brother to us.

  Michael : Especially me, sir.

  Stanley : They're related.

  Albert : And this is the last wedding we'd want to ruin.

  Michael : Right, Sione?

  [Sione shrugs] 

  Minister : Not just dates, not some girl foolish enough to say yes to a night out and free food. You must bring girlfriends.

  Albert : Girlfriends?

  Stanley : But Your Majesty, Albert hasn't had a girlfriend in 30 years!

  Albert : Good one, Stanley.

  Minister : Someone to whom you've made a commitment.

  Michael : Commitment?

  Minister : Commitment? Girlfriend? Other words you don't understand, huh?... You must find someone who sees the good in you. Bring her to my church on the day of Sione's wedding. Turn up alone, and Eugene will be more than happy to toss you into the street!

• Albert : I have to go shopping.

  Michael : Shopping for your mum?

  Albert : Shopping for a hon-ay.

• Derek : When you come to my fale you check what you bringing at the door.

  Albert : Bringing what?

  Derek : That.

  Albert : WHAT?

  Derek : That attitude. You check that at the door or yo get my jandel on yo mouf!

• Albert : She smiled at me. She likes me.

  Stanley : How can you tell? By the flirtatious way she's ignoring you?

• Derek : Albert.

  Albert : Derek.

  Derek : Sole man, where you going?

  Albert : Inside to talk to Tanya and stop calling me Sole, alright?

  Derek : Why?

  Albert : What do you mean why? Cause you're white not Samoan.

  Derek : Nah, I mean why you wanna talk to Tanya?

  Albert : That's none of your business.

  Derek : [looks strangely at Albert]  You disrespecting me?

  Albert : [laughing]  Hey?

  Derek : Comin on my turf, getting all up on my girl. Sole man, you know how we do it in the hood.

  [Sefa and the gang laugh] 

  Michael : [laughing]  Just hit the prick Albert.

  Albert : Derek, this is not a Michael Jaskson video okay? So stop being a dick and get out of my way.