Knocked Up (2007)

Jason Segel: Jason

Photos 

Quotes 

• Debbie : I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.

  Jason : I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.

  Ben Stone : We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.

  Jason : It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

• Jonah : We got pinkeye.

  Ben Stone : Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?

  Jason : Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.

  Jay : Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.

  Pete : You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?

  Jonah : Totally!

  Pete : That's awesome!

  Jonah : Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?

  Martin : No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.

• Jonah : Dude, I didn't go to Yale to work 24 hours a day.

  Jason : Dude, you went to a city college.

  Jonah : I went where I went, alright?

• Jason : You stay here.

  Martin : Why?

  Jason : Cause your face looks like a vagina.

  Martin : Dick!

  Jonah : How's it going Crockett, been hanging with Tubbs lately?

  Martin : Come on man, I'm getting it from all angles here, I really don't like it anymore.

  Jonah : I know, me either. Was it weird when you changed your name from Cat Stevens to Yusef Islam?

  Martin : Yeah, it was really awkward.

  Jonah : All right, see you later Scorcese on coke.

  Jay : [Makes a roar like Chewbacca from Star Wars] 

  Martin : What the fuck was that?

  Jay : You know, Chewbacca.

  Martin : Oh, another beard joke.

  Jay : [walks away, embarrassed]  Fuck.

  Martin : Fucking hilarious!

• Jason : Well, I'm gonna go make a protein shake.

• Jay : I'm going to be there to rear your child.

  Jason : You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!

• Jonah : I can't believe you didn't fucking wear a bag, WHO DOES THAT?

  Jason : Why did we go to Costco and buy a year's supply of condoms if you weren't gonna use 'em, man?

  Jonah : I can't believe you did this. You fucked everything up.

  Jason : The real point is not to get yourself into this position, that's what you have to realize. You gotta know all the tricks like, for example, if a woman's on top she can't get pregnant. It's just gravity.

  Jonah : Well that's true. Everyone knows that.

  Jason : What goes up must come down.

• Jason : She looks really... smart.

• Martin : You guys aren't suppose to make fun at me thats not part of the rules.

  Jason : Martin why didn't you just listen when I was explaining the rules? You just looked at me with that blank stare of yours - it was like talking to a wax statue.

• Jason : Granted, gynecology is only a hobby of mine, but it sounds to me like she's crowning.

• Jason : You wanna know who I want to get pregnant? Felicity Huffman. Ever since I saw Transamerica, I can't get her out of my head.

• Jonah : [slamming the ball and winning the point at Ping-Pong]  Fuck off!

  Jason : Yeah, well, you still have a little dick, Cartman.

• Ben Stone : [answering the phone]  Hello?

  Jason : Hey! What's up, Daddy? What are you doing?

  Ben Stone : Just smoking a joint. Drinking some beers. You know? Rockin.