Strongbad_email.exe: Disc Four (2005 Video)
Matt Chapman: Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, The Cheat, Coach Z, Bubs, The King of Town, Homsar, Additional Voices, Self
Quotes
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[Homestar sees Bubs floating in midair, a few inches above the ground]
Homestar Runner : Oh man, that is so fake. Seriously. You can totally see the strings!
-
[Strong Bad sings the song for The Cheat's day on his fake Scandinavian I.D]
Strong Bad : [singing] Sweet, sweet The Cheat, today is the day on your fake I.D. Now, get upstairs - unh! - and fix me some breakfast.
-
[Strong Bad is working part-time at Bubs' Concession Stand, but is running late for work. Bubs catches him]
Bubs : Late again, Strong Bad! I'm not running a country club, you know.
Strong Bad : But Mr. Bubs, I was just...
Bubs : Wastin' time with that email show of yours again? That mess'll *never* get you anywhere!
Strong Bad : Yes, it will! You'll see! I'm gonna be big one day. I'm gonna be a famous email checker!
Bubs : And I'm gonna be two times two. Now put on your uniform and get to work!
Strong Bad : You're gonna be WHAT?
-
Strong Bad : [describing his week] On Tuesdays, I check my snail mail.
[Strong Bad is seen walking up to a mailbox]
Strong Bad : [singing] I got a snail mail in my pocket, and I think it's starting to melt.
[He takes out a letter from the mailbox and reads it]
Strong Bad : [reading letter] "Dear Mr. Bad, This constitutes your final warning. Please remit payment of three dollars and sixty-two cents or you will be turned over to a "cut-off-your-toes"-style collections' agency. Swarthily, Bubs' Concession Stand."
[He finishes reading]
Strong Bad : [sarcastically scared] Oh, no, final warning? Is there nothing I can do to dissuade you? Like maybe give you a ride in my BMW?
[He takes out a cigarette lighter with the BMW logo on it and uses it to burn the letter. He then laughs triumphantly]
Strong Bad : [looking around] Um... where's my house?
-
[Strong Sad is talking to Strong Mad]
Strong Sad : Oh, I disagree! I think it's more than just a matter of simple economics. In fact, I'd say...
[as radio personality, the Deathly Pallor]
Strong Sad : Oh, yeah! What's the phrase that pays that plays for days? It's numbitty-nine-oh-two, "The Sturge." Don't you touch that...
[quickly]
Strong Sad : ...blabittablough!
Strong Mad : [confused] Blabittablough?
-
[Stinkoman is kneeling on the ground next to a hole]
Stinkoman : Oh man, those first 400 bites of dirt were not so good. Maybe the next one will be better.
[Stinkoman sticks his hand in the hole where it makes an audible clanging sound against an unseen object]
Stinkoman : WHAT is this? Some sort of a challenge buried in the GROUND?
[Stinkoman snatches a red and white capsule out of the hole. It opens with a "froosh" sound effect and a cassette tape is revealed]
Stinkoman : Lookie here! A power crunch!
[He grabs the tape and eats it]
Stinkoman : It tastes like a number one jam!
[Stinkoman suddenly stands and bulks up, making the cliché powering-up sound]
-
E-mail : [with Strong Bad reading] Dear STRONG bad, you are extremely awesome...
Strong Bad : [stops reading] This, I know.
[resumes reading]
E-mail : ...but how are you going to be soooo awesome if you'rre...
[sic]
E-mail : ... dead? why not make a time capsule of stuff filled with stuff about you to be opened in at least X0 years. please answer this, sam concord california
Strong Bad : [typing response] Rest assured, Shim-Sham Sam, my time capsule would reign supreme. Like your hot single Mom is gonna wanna date my time capsule. So, the key to a good time capsule is it being an actual capsule. None of these shoe boxes or tennis ball cans. No. Those things are called time boxes and time tennis ball cans. Those are different and lame and differently lame. And they always get dug up in about 4 days. And they're filled with uncool stuff like those leaf rubbin's and current newspaper clippin's and... toenail snippin's? Anybody? Anyways, I'm talking about a f'real capsule. Y'know, like a big old headache medicine. So, what kinda cool stuff should I put in there? I guess I'd throw in a cassette tape with one of my #1 jams on it. And then in the future it'd be a huge hit and they'd send all the royalties and groupies back in time to me right...
[mumbles for a second]
Strong Bad : ... Now!
[the doorbell rings]
Strong Bad : Holy gosh! It worked! I'm the meanest genius!
[but to his disappointment, it's only Homestar]
-
Homestar Runner : [to Strong Bad, but ignoring him; talking quietly] I want my own cartoon, Strong Bad.
Strong Bad : What? I'm over here!
Homestar Runner : [still quietly] Oh.
[He faces Strong Bad]
Homestar Runner : I want my own cartoon, Pom Pom.
Strong Bad : Homestar, a cartoon starring you would be horrible. It'd just be you saying "Sewiously" all the time and acting like a moron... all the time.
Homestar Runner : No, no. Not no more. I got a new catchphrase.
Strong Bad : No.
Homestar Runner : You wanna hear it?
Strong Bad : No!
Homestar Runner : I'd be all the time sayin' "That's bupkis!"
[whispering]
Homestar Runner : Oh, sorry. "That's bupkis!"
Strong Bad : What're ya whispering for?
Homestar Runner : [whisepring] Because Baby Strong Sad is *sleeping*.
Strong Bad : Now you see this disgusting little chit-chat we're having here? THIS is what your cartoon would be like.
-
[Strong Bad is giving a free motivational lecture to Coach Z and Strong Mad]
Strong Bad : You gots to look *inside* yourself! Positate the negative! When life throws pies at ya, you make yourself a tall, cool glass of piemonade.
Coach Z : I'm a new man!
Strong Mad : I'm the hump!
-
[During the audio commentary for "montage"]
Matt Chapman : Listen...
Strong Bad : Actress Marzipan...
Matt Chapman : And we've got Marzipan right here with us!
[Mike says something indecipherable]
Marzipan : Yeah!
Matt Chapman : He called you an actress. Isn't that nice?
Marzipan : Yeah!
Matt Chapman : Seems like usually he calls you something worse than that.
Marzipan : Yeah!
[Mike and Matt both laugh]
Mike Chapman : You're doing a good job acting right now, saying the word "yeah" over and over again.
Marzipan : Thank you.
Matt Chapman : Oh, thank you. A new word.
-
[Strong Bad shows a dream sequence in which he is about to check the email of his dreams, or his "dreamail". He boots up his latest computer, the Lappy 486, and it talks to him in a female voice]
Lappy 486 : Good morning, Strong Bad. You're looking prooty hot. You have one unread messages.
Strong Bad : Well, thank you, Lappy. You're looking prooty hot too. On screen!
E-mail : [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Mssr. Eleganté, you left your pocketwatch in the hot tub. When will you be back to retrieve it? -128 Hot Katies
Strong Bad : [typing] "My Katies 1-128, Good to hear from all y'all, especially you, Katie 80. When my raucous schedule permits, I will triumphantly/abundantly return to the chateau for my ruby-encrusted pocketwatch. I have plans tonight, however, but I will, furthermore, heretofore, be back on morrow next. Please tell Adelaide that the poached eggs were tremendous. Forever Young, Chester Eleganté"
[Strong Bad sends the email; after which the Lappy talks to him again]
Lappy 486 : Well played, Strong Bad. Those ladies are sure to be all up ons.
-
[Strong Bad is asked through email by a person named Kyle if he has ever had a car and if it's pimped out]
Strong Bad : Oh, good one Kyle. Like I don't get two jillion of these emails every two jillion seconds. Er. Wait. Would that be so bad? Hmmm. I'll have to ask Gron Sad about that later on. Maybe write in to "Popular Science" about it. "Popular Science." No such thing, man. More like, "Nerdular Nerdence."
-
[Strong Bad receives an email on secret recipes that the email senders, Melissa and Hillary of NJ, would like to try. Strong Bad thinks "NJ" is for Nigeria, not New Jersey]
Strong Bad : [typing response] Well Mellie, Hillarious, being from Africa I'm sure you guys are used to eating, like, exotic fruits and nectars and, um, lions, so our recipes may seem a bit uncouth. Uncouth. Can something be just plain couth? I bet freakin' Strong Sad is plain couth.
-
[Strong Bad is asked via email why the King of Town has always had a poopsmith]
Strong Bad : The King of Town's just always had a Poopsmith. Even way back when they got their start as an old syndicated newspaper comic. You know, back when comics didn't seem to need jokes or humor or readers under the age of ninety-one.
-
[Homestar has recently had a nervous breakdown because Strong Bad received an email asking why Homestar doesn't wear pants, even though apparently he wears long pants]
Homestar Runner : [crying] Long pants!
Marzipan : Awww, there, there, Homestar. It's not so bad. Everyone thinks I'm a broom.
Homestar Runner : [surprised and upset] You're not a broom?
-
[Strong Bad discovers Homestar wearing a pair of Daisy Dukes pants]
Strong Bad : Since you're here, let's talk about your pants... or your lack thereof, Daisy Dukes aside.
Homestar Runner : What are you talking about, Strong Bad? I wear long pants.
Strong Bad : Um, no, from what I can tell, you wear no pants and have blue soles glued to the bottoms of your feet.
Homestar Runner : [shocked] Well, that's simply not true. I have long pants, I wear long pants. I'm a long pants man, long pants, long pants!
Strong Bad : Okay, calm down. I didn't mean to...
Homestar Runner : [convulsing on Strong Bad] Long pants, Strong Bad! The longest pants! Everybody, everybody! Longest pants! Long, long, long, long, long, long pants!
Strong Bad : Ah, that's it! We need to get you some serious clown care, man.
Homestar Runner : [clearly upset] But I was told long pants! Long pants! They said long pants! Always long pants!
[He leans in toward Strong Bad]
Homestar Runner : Long, my pants! Gleaming pants! Glorious pants!
[after a beat, Homestar zips away, leaving his pants behind]
-
singer : Stave it off, 1, 2, 3, and now you can count to three!
Homsar : That's a real popular song! Who wants to hear of it 50 times more?
-
E-mail : Coolest guy ever - - - Strong Bad...
[Strong Bad reads the three dashes as "hennas"]
Strong Bad : [stops reading] Whoa! Three hennas! Must be an important one.
[He then continues reading]
E-mail : I've been wondering if you ever thought of making your own television series? Kids everywhere would love you...
Strong Bad : [seeing the comma where it shouldn't be] Unnecessary comma...
E-mail : and your awesomeness. Allison, NJ
Strong Bad : [typing response] Television? Kids? Wait, do you people think I'm intended for children? Like, the littlest, tiniest babies? You know, they watch those shows on public television. I don't think I'm cut out for that sort of sugarjob.
-
Strong Bad : Alright, dumb children. Find The Cheat!
[the Cheat appears behind a box in the background]
Kids : He's right there! He's over there!
[continues during the whole scene]
Strong Bad : Uh, no, he's behind the box. No, he's not even *behind* the box, he's *barely obscured* by the box.
[getting agitated]
Strong Bad : Look, The Cheat is behind the freakin' BOX!
[screaming]
Strong Bad : HE'S BEHIND THE BOX! I'LL KILL YA! I'LL KILL ALL YOUR DOGS!
-
Strong Bad : [singing] Oh, I'm an email gambler. That means I play cards with emails. Full house.
-
Homestar Runner : Um, I think it was "dot-egg" or "dot-muffin" or somethin'.
Coach Z : You sure it wasn't "dot-com" or "dot-org"?
Homestar Runner : No, I'm pretty sure it was "dot-egg".
-
Strong Bad : Man, if I had a nickel for every email I get, I would throw them at people in the food court, from that railing, like up above.
-
Strong Sad : [rhyming] The quill! The page! Lyric! Rampage! Word up?
Marzipan : Good style there, Strong Sad! Geoff Chauncer would be would be proud.
Homsar : Caramel corn for president, please!
-
Strong Bad : Ya see Comma, you can still hurt people and their feelings with all manner of different rampages. Until next time, bailiff, I'll be in my chambers. I mean, The Cheat, I'll be in my office... which is this room. So, I'll be right here.
-
Strong Bad : Why do you have a shotgun?
[shaken]
Strong Bad : What did you do? Where's my compy?
Bubs : It's in a better place, Strong Bad. Or rather, it's in the same place, but now it's got a big hole through it.
[Strong Bad now feels more shaken than ever]
Strong Bad : YOU MURDERER! You killed my brother! I mean, computer!
Bubs : Look, Strong Bad, my mouth was a broken JPEG. I had no choice.
Strong Bad : [sobbing] You don't understand! You ALL understand! I mean, don't understand!
-
Bubs : That'll be five dollars.
-
Strong Bad : [reading email closing] "Peace out dawg foo gangsta yo Ryan N."
[typing response]
Strong Bad : Did you just call me a dog food gangsta? What's that supposed to mean? Ought I to be offended?
-
Strong Bad : [narrating; describing his week] Due to a prior arrest, Thursdays are community service days, so me and the old Cheatasaurus head down to Strong Badia to give the place a firm scrubbing.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat are seen cleaning up Strong Badia. Strong Bad is vacuuming the ground, while The Cheat scrubs the resident tire with a sponge and a bucket of water]
Strong Bad : You know what I always say, The Cheat: "Stay smart, vaccuum... dirt."
The Cheat : [the Cheat noises]
Strong Bad : Don't forget to wash where the sun don't shine.
-
[the screen of the Compy 386 reads "429,837 viruses found"]
Strong Bad : That is not a small number! That is a big number! What am I gonna do?
[a Flagrant System Error screen appears]
Strong Bad : [reads off of the screen] Computer over? Virus equals very yes? That's not a good prize!
-
[Strong Bad has attempted to blindfold himself, light Pom Pom on fire, and poke him with a pin, but Pom Pom beat him up and Strong Bad is unwilling to admit it. He thinks about how to explain Pom Pom's "death" to his parents]
Strong Bad : Dear General and Fraulein Pom Pom, it is with a heavy heart that I inform you that your son recently exploded in a giant fiery ball that was visible from space. I would also like to add that in no way did he beat any of the everloving snot out of me. Sequentially, Strong Bad.
-
[Strong Bad imagines if he had a chance to do over "sisters." He practices seranading Ali and Ali's sister]
Strong Bad : Don't you know I got a big ol' red head, and a fat little body, and I never change my clothes! No, I never change my clothes!
-
Strong Bad : [reading "Best Wishes, Anonymous Contributor, Gambier, OH"] Best Wishes, Anonymous Contrib-u-tore, Gombyay... hhhough.
Strong Bad : [typing response] Ugh, poor guy. HEY! Mr. and Mrs. Contributor, way to name your kid! I can only imagine the taunts and jabs the kids on the playground musta come up with.
[a piece of notebook paper is shown with two drawings on it: one of Strong Bad and the other of what looks like Strong Sad, but with a question mark for a face]
Strong Bad : [on paper] Hey, Anonymous! Why don't you... um... write a poem or something and not attribute it to yourself!
[the paper disappears]
Strong Bad : Or, like...
[Another notebook paper is shown, also with Strong Bad and Anonymous]
Strong Bad : [on paper] Yo, Anony, maybe try calling the cops and giving them some valuable information to help solve a crime without revealing your own identity!
[the paper disappears]
Strong Bad : Oh, kids can be so cruel.
-
Strong Bad : Hey, Bubs, read this sign for me.
[He holds up a sign, which Bubs looks at]
Bubs : [reading sign] "Duck A L'Orange".
Strong Bad : What?
[Strong Bad looks at the sign. Sure enough, it reads, "Duck A L'Orange". He then pulls out a walkie-talkie]
Strong Bad : [speaking into walkie-talkie] The Cheat, I thought I told you to make it say "sbu"!
The Cheat : [the Cheat-type noises on his own walkie-talkie]
Strong Bad : Oh, you really want some duck a l'orange, huh? You know we can't afford to eat like that. Aren't you a duck anyways?
The Cheat : [angry The Cheat noises]
Strong Bad : I don't know. You kinda remind me of a duck.
-
Strong Bad : Lemme tell you a thing or two about garage sales: Ya ever get the feeling that the people just got lazy taking the trash out, so they stopped right there on the driveway and started putting price tags on things? I mean, isn't it just a little bit suspicious that there's only a one-letter difference between 'garage sale' and 'garbage sale?'
[He says "gar-bahge", to rhyme with "garage"]
Strong Bad : Except, don't ever say 'garbage' like that. That's, like, the only joke Moms have and they can keep it for all I care.
-
Strong Bad : [singing] I'm not gonna sing an email song this week...
-
[Strong Bad and Strong Sad are watching "Limozeen: 'but they're in space!'". Strong Bad is enjoying it, but Strong Sad is not]
Strong Bad : [laughing] So classic.
Strong Sad : But why are they in space? There's no reason for them to be in space!
Strong Bad : On the contrary, my dear Fatson, there's EVERY reason for them to be in space.
-
Strong Bad : [after reading "Justin Corcoran, MASS"] Aw, I HATE getting these mass emails!
[He types what he says on the Compy]
Strong Bad : REMOVE ME! UNSUBSCRIBE! TAKE ME OFFA LIST!
-
[the theme song for the short-lived Saturday morning TV show, "Limozeen: "but they're in space!". Heavy metal music plays for the music]
singer : Remember those guys in that band Limozeen? Well, they turned their tour bus into a space machine! But they're still Limozeen...
Larry Palaroncini : We're still Limozeen!
singer : ...but they're in space!
Larry Palaroncini : But we're in space?
Teeg Dougland : [to Limozeen] I'm afraid I've got some bad news, boys. You're in space.
[the song ends on one last chord]
-
E-mail : Hey Strong Bad, get Bubs to give out free luncch...
[sic]
E-mail : ... specials and I'll show you a hot girl.
Strong Bad : [stops reading] Hmm, sounds like a solid deal.
[he resumes reading]
E-mail : Sincerly...
[sic]
E-mail : ... Someone.
Strong Bad : Aw, I hate it when they don't put a name and when they misspell "sincerely". "Luncch" doesn't bother me so much.
[He erases "Sincerly, Someone" and replaces it with "Keep on tranglin, Larry Pat"]
Strong Bad : [typing response] Well Larry, legend has it that Bubs has to give you a free lunch special if you can get him to say his name backwards - minus the first b. "Sbu." You have to get him to say, "Sbu." How hard could that be, right? I mean, I'm saying "sbu" all the time. This'll be a cakewalk. At least a sbu-walk.
-
Strong Bad : [whispering] Hey, biggest bro, Mom says to keep it down 'cause Baby Strong Sad's sleeping.
Strong Mad : [in his usual loud monotone voice] I can be the quietest mouse! I live in the quietest house!
-
Homestar Runner : I really got. I really gotta pee. I really got. I really gotta pee pee. I really got. I really gotta pee.
Homestar Runner , Strong Sad : I really got. I really gotta pee pee. I really got. I really gotta pee. I really got. I really gotta pee pee.
Strong Bad : That is a disgusting song!
-
[Strong Bad and Bubs are performing a three-act play titled "Dreamway Johnny"]
Bubs : [as Mr. Legarm] Well, look who decided to show up! Fifth time this week, Johnny.
Strong Bad : [as Johnny] Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Legarm! Honest I am! I just...
Bubs : You just what? Lost track of time?
Strong Bad : Yes, sir. Only I wouldn't have to worry about that if I could just get the Johnny-tron working!
Bubs : You still wastin' time workin' on that time machine, Johnny? That's a pipe dream, son! Your future's here at the shop. Now sweep up! I got customers to tend to.
Strong Bad : You'll see. Someday. Someday...
[Strong Bad starts singing to a simple piano melody]
Strong Bad : When all my dreams come... truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue!
-
Marzipan : Well, I think it's fantastic, Strong Mad! That's the best stack of VHS tapes I've ever...
[the Viruses convert Marzipan into a piece of ASCII art that makes loud, synthesized noises]
Strong Mad : I can't spell you!
[Strong Mad is turned into his M-shaped yearbook picture and runs off]
-
Strong Bad : [describing his week] On Saturday, I certainly don't wake up at 6 AM, put on a Speedo, and go to swim practice. No, no, definitely not Speedo. But I do attend battle axe lessons at the rec center, with my teacher, Dolph Hauldhagen, the instruc-TOR!
-
[Strong Bad imagines if Homsar had a childrens' show on public television]
singer : We'll have an adventure, and several long trips! We'll make some new friends, maybe grab a bite to eat! All 'cause we say...
Kids : [spoken] Whaddaya know, Haddi-man?
Homsar : Aaah! I'm a trendy tote bag!
-
Strong Bad : [talking about people who frequent garage sales] There is the lurker. You know, that shady night manager at Stuckey's type, who shades around but never buys anything. And you're like, "Is he there just to be seen?"
[cut to Strong Sad and Senor Cardgage looking the garage sale merchandise. Senor Cardgage is particularly looking at a can of peas]
Senor Cardgage : [to Strong Sad] Look at this can of peas, Helvetica. Won't you help me buy it for you?
Strong Sad : I'm finding it hard to express just how uncomfortable I am right now.
Senor Cardgage : I dan't know why, exprecially since you have this can of peas to look forward to.
Strong Bad : [coming into the scene; to Strong Sad] Look, if you're not gonna buy anything, you gotta leave. You're drivin' away all my best customers.
[Senor Cardgage picks up the can of peas and leaves]
Strong Sad : Ugh, I feel like I need to take a chemical shower after talking to that guy. Do we have an emergency eyewash station?
Strong Bad : At least he bought something, *lurker*! Go back to Stuckey's.
-
Strong Bad : Tonight on Strong Bad Email, comedian Coach Z, actress Marzipan, and some guy from a zoo.
E-mail : Dear Strong Bad, Why don't you creat a montage? Steve Surf City, NJ
[Strong Bad says "No Job" instead of "NJ" while reading the email]
Strong Bad : [typing response; speaking sarcastically] Oh, why don't you creat an alternate reality where you don't have to spell correctly and I talk like this. And your name is Watered Down!
-
Strong Bad : [singing] Let's make this moment be the symbol of our lives. We'll pawn your dad's computer and we'll sail to paradise. You're a girl... or maybe a wagon... filled up with pancakes.
-
Homestar Runner : A wagon fulla pamcakes? In the Champeenship? I'd like to see you try!
Strong Bad : [singing as the wagon trains] Guts, guts, and might, lifting weights and feeling all right! It's a showdown, going downtown, you're gonna mess around, showdown, put your nose down, showdown!
-
Homestar Runner : [singing] Partying! Party, party, party, it's the weekend! Party, party, party, and a wagon! Party, party, party, full of pancakes! Party, party, party, and we're partying! Party, party, party, it's the weekend! Party, party, party, and we're partying! Party, party, party, everybody does it tonight!
-
Strong Bad : [talking about people who frequent garage sales] There's the haggler, the guy who spends all day trying to talk you down from a quarter to 22 cents for some worthless piece of crap.
Bubs : [to Strong Bad at his garage sale, holding a doll] I'll give ya two thin dimes for this pantyhose doll.
Strong Bad : First of all, that is Aunt Gert. And secondly, she's worth *way* more than the quarter I'm asking for her! Heck, I paid six-fifty for her new. And them's 1998 dollars!
Bubs : Well, maybe if she was wearing a troll outfit, or a witch's hat or somethin'.
Strong Bad : I'll let it go for twenty-four cents.
Bubs : Twenty-two and a half!
Strong Bad : You, my friend, just bought yourself an Aunt Gert.
-
[Strong Bad is asleep on the couch when Strong Sad approaches in swimming goggles and a swimming cap]
Strong Sad : Strong Bad!
Strong Bad : [in his sleep] Dangit! Chrona trigga!
Strong Sad : Strong Bad, wake up!
Strong Bad : [in his sleep] Chrona trigga!
Strong Sad : We're going to be late for swim practice!
Strong Bad : [in his sleep] Chrhn... Chrono Trigger.
[Strong Sad tries to give Strong Bad a pair of Speedo-type swimming trunks, which he holds on a stick while looking away disgustedly]
Strong Sad : I've got your swim trunks.
Strong Bad : [in his sleep] Magus, I'm gonna... I'll kill you.
-
[a computer virus that Strong Bad's computer has gotten is messing up reality. Strong Sad enters Strong Bad's computer room with his head floating above his body]
Strong Sad : [annoyed] Strong Bad, what is going on?
Strong Bad : [screams in surprise] I dunno! You forgot to wear your neck?
Strong Sad : Have you been using the Internet irresponsibly?
Strong Bad : No more irresponsibly than usual.
Strong Sad : Did you get a virus?
Strong Bad : [with guilt] Uh, no.
Strong Sad : Did you get *400,000* viruses?
Strong Bad : [submissively] Yes. *Very* yes!
Strong Sad : Well, hurry and do something about it before it gets worse!
[Strong Sad turns into a Strong Sad trading card and disappears]
-
[Homsar is hosting his own children's show on public television. The letter G appears in the corner]
Kids : A "G"!
Homsar : I'm not gonna lie to you, that's a healthy piece of real estate!
Kids : A "G"!
-
Strong Bad : [talking about people who frequent garage sales] There's Coach Z.
[Coach Z is seen at Strong Bad's garage sale, with a bunch of baby items in his arms, all labeled, "Great for baby". Marzipan looks at him]
Marzipan : Coach Z, may I ask why you're buying up all the "great for baby" items?
Coach Z : I'd prefer that ya didn't.
-
The King of Town : [eating some underarm deodorant] This stuff is strong enough for a man, but tasty enough for a king!
-
Strong Bad : Checkin' emails with a *viscosity* since 2001, it's a Strong Bad Email.
-
Strong Bad : [checking his first email on the Lappy 486] All right! Let's see if this bad boy can check some emails.
E-mail : Dear Strong Bad, what would you like as if you were own made up animal
[sic]
E-mail : Sincerely, Spud Jr.
Strong Bad : [typing response] Come now, Spud Jr. What would Spur Sr. think of such nightmarish grammar and punctuation? And poor Spudmom. "What would you like as if..." I at least hope you're good at sports for their sake.
[he stops typing]
Strong Bad : Okay, I'm done.
[he resumes typing]
Strong Bad : Well Stu-pud Jr., if I was my own made up animal, I would probably like as the coolest made up animal ever made up. I'd probably have all the cool animal options and accessories: Claws, Horns, Tusks, Tentacles, Power Doors, 15 Year Drivetrain Warranty, Proboscis, Segmented Eyes...
[cut to Homestar looking at a monster version of Strong Bad with clawed hands, compound eyes, antlers, tusks, a proboscis and several tentacles]
Homestar Runner : I say there, monstrosity, do you know the times?
[the Strong Bad monster tries to respond, but makes gargling sounds while foaming at the mouth. Homestar looks shocked; cut back to the Lappy, with Strong Bad still typing]
Strong Bad : Oh, I guess I couldn't really talk with that proboscis. Not that I'd have much of an answer for "Do you know the times," anyway.
-
Strong Bad : [reading "Luke, Eau Claire, WI"] Luke. Eww, Claire! Why?
-
[Marzipan is at Strong Bad's garage sale. She sees an answering machine]
Marzipan : Ooh, this is perfect. I've always wanted an answering machine.
[She tests it out]
Marzipan : [over answering machine] It's a great day at Marzipan's. Please leave me a message.
[Marzipan glowers at Strong Bad, who looks around shiftily]
Strong Bad : [nervously] See? It *is* perfect. It already knows your name, even. Heh! Oooh, heh. Eee. Oh. Hmm. Peow!
[He runs off]
Marzipan : [no longer angry] More like, pree-ow.
-
[Strong Bad explains the origin of Bubs' Concession Stand]
Strong Bad : Senor Havin' A Little Trouble and Mr. Bland were by far the most popular characters.
[Bubs' stand falls out of the sky somehow and lands on the two characters and crushes them]
Strong Bad : Then they were crushed by a falling Bubs' Concession Stand.
Bubs : [from inside] Hot time!
Strong Bad : ...said Bubs.
-
[Strong Bad, when prompted via email to do so, decides to explain the secret to his "pizzaz", by interviewing himself on the subject]
Strong Bad : So, Strong Bad, the peoples want to know... What's the secret to your pizzaz?
Second Strong Bad : Well, for starters, you gotta have the three Gs: Gumption... uh, Gum, like, chew gum... and, um... Gar... gle. Minty gargle.
Strong Bad : Minty... gargle... Is that really all you got?
Second Strong Bad : Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.
-
[Strong Bad and The Cheat approach Coach Z, Strong Bad holding a bowl of an ice cream-like substance with yellowish sprinkles on it and The Cheat wearing a towel]
Strong Bad : Oh man, The Cheat! Wow! Look at this! It's our best friend, Coach Z. Say there, Coach, would you like to try some of our free ice-ed c-cream? It's got toasted coconut!
Coach Z : How could I refuse? I can't afford the money-cost variety.
[He grabs the bowl and scarfs the substance]
Coach Z : Ooh, sweet mercy! This is orful!
Strong Bad : Aww, it's okay, Coach. You're the proud new eater of a healthy bowl of sour cream and The Cheat fur.
[the Cheat removes his towel to reveal that the lower half of his body has been shaved clean of his yellow fur]
The Cheat : [Ta-da-type The Cheat noise]
Coach Z : [gagging and coughing] I think I'm going to puke my pants!
Strong Bad : Ugh! Please don't elaborate on that!
Coach Z : [calmly] Nah, it's easy. I do it all the time. Here, let me show ya's.
[Strong Bad and The Cheat run off, screaming]
Coach Z : You take your pants...
[a recipe card for Great Uncle Pawdabber's Pre-tend Ice Cream Showdown is displayed]
Strong Bad : For best results, dip The Cheat in egg wash before shaving or else he'll get those red shaving bumpies all over him. Ugh.
-
Homestar Runner : Making out with Marzipan is totally awesome!
-
Strong Bad : [reading "john newell, on"] Johnny Well, on. Whoa, I left my Johnny Well on.
[he erases "on"]
Strong Bad : Johnny Well, off.
[he replaces it with "off", after which the sound of something powering down is heard]
-
[the Poopsmith is holding out a shovel toward the King of Town]
The King of Town : A little to the left.
[the Poopsmith extends his shovel toward the King]
The King of Town : Good, good...
[the Viruses suddenly make the scene, and the Poopsmith with it, disappear and replace them with a Teen Girl Squad-type piece of paper]
The King of Town : Ooh! Poopsmith?
[the Ugly One suddenly appears, her mouth really huge and distorted]
The Ugly One : I can do it! I can do it *nine times*!
[She extends her arm and repeatedly slaps the King]
The King of Town : [between slaps] Uh! No! Please! Stop! I'm old! And fat! And rich! And cool!
-
Strong Bad : Hey! Gron Sad!
Strong Sad : Why do you keep calling me that?
Strong Bad : I don't know. Change of pace.
-
Strong Bad : How many emails would it be if you got, like, two jillion emails every two jillion seconds? Like, a lot, or a little?
Strong Sad : A jillion is not a real unit of measure!
Strong Bad : Whatever, *nerd*!
[he walks off]
Strong Bad : Jillion...
Strong Sad : That's right, say it again!
-
Strong Bad : [describing "Limozeen: 'but they're in space!'", a cartoon show about Limozeen] So one of their main goals is to both run away from and give backstage passes to all the hot babe-liens of the galaxy.
Teeg Dougland : [to Limozeen] I'm afraid I've got some bad news, boys. None of the hot alien chicks from Groupulon 5 have backstage passes to tonight's show.
Larry Palaroncini : Then whose midriffs are we gonna sign?
Gary Palaroncini : What happened to all the passes, Teeg?
Teeg Dougland : Galactic Radio gave them all way... to Mitch Overlord.
[the band gasps]
Mitch Overlord : That's right, Limozeen. I was the 1,485,421st caller!
-
Strong Bad : Hey, Homestar. I've got something for you.
Homestar Runner : Thanks, Strong Bad! What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?
Strong Bad : It's just this drawing that I made.
Homestar Runner : [suddenly nervous] Oh, no. Don't do it. You know the storm it will unleash!
Strong Bad : No, I think you'll like it!
Homestar Runner : [on the verge of tears] Strong Bad, no! I can't handle it!
Strong Bad : Ta-da!
[Strong Bad holds up a drawing of a one-legged puppy he calls Li'l Brudder]
Homestar Runner : [breaks down crying uncontrollably] NO! LI'L BRUDDER! That little guy, he's got the heart of a champion! You're gonna make it, Li'l Brudder! You just keep scrapin' along!
[Strong Bad watches in disbelief while Homestar lies on the ground, sobbing hysterically]
Homestar Runner : Li'l Brudder, *I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH MY LIFE*! I'm thinking of getting into male modeling, or maybe high finance. I JUST DON'T KNOW!
Strong Bad : [mimicking Li'l Brudder] I'm gonna be all right, Homestar. I can make it on my own.
Homestar Runner : [sobbing] It's like I said, the heart of a champion!
-
Strong Sad : [trying not to cry] Uh, Strong Bad, is Li'l Brudder named after me? Do you think of me as a one-legged puppy?
Strong Bad : No, I think of you as a two-legged elephant... named Tendafoot.
[he switches his drawing of Li'l Brudder with another of a two-legged elephant named Tendafoot; he then mimics Tendafoot]
Strong Bad : I could power a small city with my whining!
Strong Sad : [dejected] I probably could.
Homestar Runner : [sobbing hysterically] Oh, Tendafoot, can you tell me how to get the most out of life?
-
Strong Bad : [reading email closing] "Bowing to you, Fraser, Scotland". Oh, no need to bow, Fraser. Get up.
[he then speaks reverently]
Strong Bad : Rise, my son, and giveth me instead $7.50 with which to buy some buffalo chicken tenders.
-
Strong Bad : [continuing his discussion on "Limozeen: 'but they're in space!'"] But most of all, the episode centers around the boys making sure metal stays number one throughout the galaxy.
Teeg Dougland : I'm afraid I've got some bad news, boys. We've been knocked off the charts in the Forbidden Zone by an alternative rock band.
Perry Palaroncini : But their bassist is a girl!
Mary Palaroncini : And the drummer's got short hair!
Larry Palaroncini : And the lead singer wears glasses!
-
[Homestar is selling himself at Strong Bad's garage sale]
Homestar Runner : We got a Homestar Runner for sale! Slightly used and mostly confused. We can't *give* these things away.
[he leans one way]
Homestar Runner : I'll take it.
[he leans the other way]
Homestar Runner : I'll take twelve!
[he stands upright again]
Homestar Runner : Drive one home today!
-
Marzipan : [to Coach Z, at Strong Bad's garage sale] This garage sale is more like a gar*bage* sale.
Strong Bad : Dadadadada! Moms only!
Coach Z : Oh, then I'm okay to say it!
[Both Marzipan and Strong Bad look perplexed by the comment]
-
Strong Bad : [continuing his discussion on "Limozeen: 'but they're in space!'"] And sometimes, the magical prankster Bozar appears and turns reality upside-down.
Bozar : [to Limozeen] Puzzle me twice, Limo-losers! How're you going to play in tonight's show after I turn your instruments into Italian noodles?
[the next shot shows the band at a concert, but with the instruments turned into noodles; the crowd boos]
Audience Member : That's not music!
Mary Palaroncini : [eating his own noodles where the drum is] This is the best show ever, guys!
Larry Palaroncini : Mary, quit eating your drums!
-
[Strong Bad and Coach Z are on a lyrical rampage; both hold microphones]
Strong Bad : [rapping] I'm on a rampage!
Coach Z : [rapping] I've got problems with my feet and my back!
Strong Bad : I'm on a rampage!
Coach Z : I'm about to have a dope rhyme attack!
Strong Bad : I'm on a rampage!
Coach Z : Coach Z, rock all type of sports!
Strong Bad : I'm on a rampage!
Coach Z : And if you don't believe me, you can get with The Chort!
[he shows off The Cheat as he scratches on a child's record player]
-
The Cheat : [the Cheat noises, response to an email] Yeah, man. I'll gnaw your face off. -Teh C.
-
Teeg Dougland : [to Limozeen on "Limozeen: 'but they're in space'"] I'm afraid I've got some bad news, boys: our pilot episode has been canceled.
Limozeen : What?
Gary Palaroncini : Oh, well. I guess I won't be needing this anymore.
[he tosses his guitar aside to a real-live Larry]
Larry Palaroncini : Oh, thanks, Space Gary! I can't believe we got canceled! Well, join us next time, kids, in syndication! Or maybe on DVD!
-
Strong Bad : [asked via email what to say/do on the radio] Well, the first rule of thumb for all radio personalities is to look absolutely nothing like how they sound. Take Ol' Greystoke for instance.
[shows Strong Sad]
Strong Bad : Now here's a whiny know-it-all who sounds exactly like he looks.
Strong Sad : Why, thank you, Senator.
Strong Bad : Quit calling me that. Anyway, if Strong Sad was a radio host, he'd sound like this...
Strong Sad : [in a spontaneous radio host voice] Hey, hey, hey, it's the Deathly Pallor, coming at you on numbitty 902, WA3D FM, "The Sturge"! Coming up next, we got some hot new tracks from double-o ballyhoo!
[suddenly covers his mouth with shock while Strong Bad laughs; normal voice]
Strong Sad : Don't you ever make me do that again!
-
Strong Bad : [calling] Hey, Strong Mad! What, uh... What's my favorite movie?
Strong Mad : [calling back] GARBLEDINA!
-
E-mail : [with Strong Bad reading] Dear STRONG bad, you are extremely awesome... but how are you going to be soooo awesome if you'rre...
[sic]
E-mail : ... dead? why not make a time capsule of stuff filled with stuff about you to be opened in at least X0 years. please answer this, sam concord california
Strong Bad : [stops reading] This, I know.
[resumes reading]
E-mail : ...but how are you going to be soooo awesome if you'rre...
[sic]
E-mail : ... dead? Why not make a time capsule of stuff filled with stuff about you to be opened in at least X0 years. Please answer this, Sam Concord California
Strong Bad : [typing response] Rest assured, Shim-Sham Sam, my time capsule would reign supreme. Like your hot single Mom is gonna wanna date my time capsule. So, the key to a good time capsule is it being an actual capsule. None of these shoe boxes or tennis ball cans. No. Those things are called time boxes and time tennis ball cans. Those are different and lame and differently lame. And they always get dug up in about 4 days. And they're filled with uncool stuff like those leaf rubbin's and current newspaper clippin's and... toenail snippin's? Anybody? Anyways, I'm talking about a f'real capsule. Y'know, like a big old headache medicine. So, what kinda cool stuff should I put in there? I guess I'd throw in a cassette tape with one of my #1 jams on it. And then in the future it'd be a huge hit and they'd send all the royalties and groupies back in time to me right...
[mumbles for a second]
Strong Bad : NOW!
[suddenly, the doorbell rings]
Strong Bad : Holy gosh! It worked! I'm the meanest genius!
[but to his chagrin, it's only Homestar]
-
Strong Bad : Our next show, is a family show. It... is... the email.
E-mail : Dear Strong Bad, have you ever thought who will take your place when you retire? Your friend, Jeffrey Desterhoft.
Strong Bad : [typing] You've got a good point there, Jeffy. I suppose I can't keep checking these e-mails forever. I never really thought about finding an heir to my throne before. Come to think of it, what ever happened to my throne?
[picks up a phone and talks into it, sounding like a loudspeaker in a grocery store]
Strong Bad : Attention, The Cheat. Customer needs assistance in e-mail. Customer needs assistance in e-mail.
[the Cheat walks up, wearing a blue employee's vest]
Strong Bad : The Cheat, didn't I used to have a throne of some kind?
The Cheat : [the Cheat noises, pointing to Strong Bad's stool]
Strong Bad : No, no, no, this is my stool. I'm talking about a throne. You know, it had, like, gold nuggets on it, and... a hundred cup holders... some of them velvety cushions... You know, a throne. And I think I had a motorcycle, too. See if you can find those.
The Cheat : [the Cheat noises]
-
Strong Bad : [after reading an email from "DJ Solerous Australia"] Whoa! THE DJ Solerous? What an honor! I saw you spin in a warehouse in Canberra...
[pronounced "can-BEAR-uh"]
Strong Bad : ... a few years back! Uh, no, wait. I lied. I, nor anyone else, have ever heard of DJ Smoldyface.
-
[Strong Bad's Compy 386 has been destroyed]
Strong Bad : [very distraught] Dear Strong Bad, I doh du duoh crapfully yours.
[hits his head on keyboard desk]
Strong Bad : I... ID DOH DU DUOH CRAPFULLY YOURS! I can relate.
[hit his head on desk again]
Strong Bad : I *can't relate*!
[hit his head on desk again]
Strong Bad : I'm gonna get... I'm gonna get in there and *mix* it up! I don't remember your name, Davy!
[hits his head on desk again]
Strong Bad : Dear Strong Bad, how do you text with boxing gloves on?
-
Strong Bad : [reading "zack, west islip, NY"] "Zack, west is lip, New York". Whoa! West Is Lip. Sounds like some kind of British new wave band. "And coming in this week at #4, it's those androgynous boys from Hertfordshire, West Is Lip with their hit single 'She Partied Without Dancing'."
[music plays in the background]
singer : [in background] She partied without dancing. She partied with my heart.
-
Strong Bad : [reading "brian holmes CA"] "B. Ryan Holmes, certified arborist".
-
Strong Bad : [to Homestar] What are you doing?
Homestar Runner : Umm... Did you just say "doing"?
[pronounces it to rhyme with "boing"]
Strong Bad : What? No. *Doo*-ing. I said, "What are you *doo*-ing?"
Homestar Runner : Oh. Well, you spelled it the same.
-
Strong Bad : [reading email closing: "Crapfully yours, Richie Z, Can-A-Duh"] "Totally not getting old, Richie Z, Can, A, Duh."
[typing response]
Strong Bad : Wait, you're not related to Coach Z, are you, Richie? Or Coach Zed as you Canucks call him? Whoa. Coach Zed. That's way cooler. I'm gonna start calling him that too and maybe he won't suck so bad! Thanks, Richie! Your pal, Sed Bed.
[types "SB" for "Sed Bed"]
-
[Strong Bad is talking about why the King of Town has a Poopsmith, and how it dates backs to an old syndicated comic strip]
Strong Bad : It was called "The Castlefunnies", which I guess was a pathetic attempt by the authors to fool you into thinking it was actually funny. It mostly featured the King of Town complaining about his ailing hip joints to the Poopsmith. Talking a lot about ointments... and salves. Back then, it was considered a form of treason to print the word "poop" in the paper, so instead they called the Poopsmith "Mushy Chamberpot", which is actually pretty funny sounding. Anyways, Mushy could only talk in word clouds filled with commas, which I think had just been discovered and were apparently considered comic gold. Oh yeah, I can see why *this* masterwork took two dudes to write it, one to not think of something funny and the other to think of something not funny. So later on, as readership began to dwindle, they'd throw me and Homestar in there as guests in hopes of mooching off our popularity. That worked for maybe a week or so, but then the strip was sadly canceled when the last living reader, a Civil War veteran and creamed corn enthusiast, died. They tried to creep back into the mainstream years later with the release of the "King Castlefunny Pencil Moistener?" But, considering the Dry Pencil Scare of '47 only lasted three days, they didn't sell too many.
-
[Strong Bad is trying to find a replacement for his answering emails; he and Coach Z are seated at the former's computer]
Strong Bad : Let's hear your best "deleted".
[pushes a button on the screen to display a blue screen flashing and the word "DELETED!"]
Coach Z : DELORTED!
[the screen flashes a yellow-green this time and displays the word "DELORTED!", to Strong Bad's surprise]
-
[Strong Bad is trying to find a replacement for his answering emails; he and Bubs are in the basement, standing next to a box with a picture of Strong Sad drawn on it on the couch]
Strong Bad : Strong Sad's on the couch, watching TV. What do you do?
Bubs : Kick him in the teeth.
Strong Bad : That's good, that's good, even though he might not have any teeth. What else?
Bubs : Kick him in the grill!
Strong Bad : Yeah, yeah! Keep going!
Bubs : [turns to face Strong Bad] Kick *you* in the grill!
[advances on Strong Bad, waving his arms and yelling menacingly]
Strong Bad : [nervously] No, no, Bubs, calm down, this is only a drill!
-
Strong Bad : [checking his email under a table] A lot of ladies and a lot of girls. Some healthy ladies and some healthy girls.
E-mail : [with Strong Bad reading] Dear Strongbad, do you do anything besides checking e-mails? Sincerely, Hunter.
Strong Bad : [typing; sounding angry] Waudju... gighi... ikuh... What do you mean do I do anything else besides checking e-mails? 'Course I freakin' do! I do everything! Always! Nature walks, Meet N' Greets, Bus Chucker Club, The League of Me and The Cheat Ice Cream Socials. Shut up! I even have a part-part-part-part-very part-time job, to which I am currently fifteen minutes late.
[Homestar walks up to the table, holding a tennis ball]
Homestar Runner : This is perfect. Just perfect! I couldn't be happier with my new invention. I'll call it the Super Question Machine!
Strong Bad : [whispering] I gotta try and sneak out of here without Homestar noticing me.
Homestar Runner : Yeah, you do.
Strong Bad : Gonna need a diversion of some kind...
[the Cheat then walks up and dances for Homestar]
Homestar Runner : Oh, wow! What a great new invention!
[Strong Bad crawls out from under the table]
Strong Bad : [passing by The Cheat] Nice work, The Cheat.
[gives a thumbs-up]
-
Strong Bad : [showing off a pair of electric boots] No fewer than eight lights flashing at any given time, whisper quiet, and, uh, check out that guy dancing with that hot girl. That's gonna be me at the club, and the hot girl will be The Cheat... er, I mean, an actual hot girl.
[talking like guy in question]
Strong Bad : Hey there, fruit pie... the magician. Wanna dance?
[talking like hot girl in question]
Strong Bad : Yes, I would like to be your girlfriend based solely on your awesome boots!
[puts on boots, while The Cheat stands near an empty socket under the computer desk]
Strong Bad : All right, The Cheat, let's do this.
The Cheat : [the Cheat noises]
[the Cheat plugs in boots, causing the lights on it to come on and a loud, vacuum-cleaner-like humming to start]
Strong Bad : [shouting over the noise] WHOA! CHECK OUT THOSE LIGHTS! THEY'RE FLASHING!
The Cheat : [questioning The Cheat noises, loudly, while covering his ears]
Strong Bad : I SAID, CHECK OUT THE FLASHING LIGHTS!
The Cheat : [more questioning The Cheat noises; leaves]
Strong Bad : HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WAIT UP!
[follows after The Cheat, but stops when he reaches the end of his cord]
Strong Bad : I'M GONNA NEED AN EXTENSION CORD!
[sits at his computer; typing]
Strong Bad : Attention all interested ladies: Please have electrical sockets installed every five feet before inviting me over to your apartment or dormroom. So, I guess I'm awe...
[suddenly, the power goes out, startling Strong Bad]
Strong Bad : SOME IS THE REASON WHY!
[continues typing despite power outage]
Strong Bad : Whoa. I guess these boots suck up a lot of energy. Maybe that's what "solid state" means. I suppose I can stop typing now.
-
Homestar Runner : [holding a bowl of Strong Bad's Pre-tend Ice Cream Showdown] Hey, girlfriend, have you tried any of this free ice cream Strong Bad made?
Marzipan : Homestar, didn't anyone tell you? That's, like, cottage cheese and The Cheat hair!
Homestar Runner : WHAT?
[gags, spits out some yellow fur]
Homestar Runner : Strong Bad told me it was *sour cream* and The Cheat hair!
-
Strong Bad : How come deodorants and stuff are always named after biomes anyways?
