Man of the Year (2006)

Robin Williams: Tom Dobbs

Photos 

6 more photos

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Tom Dobbs : politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently and for the same reason. Keep that in mind the next time you vote. Good night.

• Tom Dobbs : Today I was in the oval office for a preparatory meeting and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check. I sat there and I went 'Wait a minute, I'm a Jester. A Jester doesn't rule the kingdom; He makes fun of the king.'

• Tom Dobbs : HMOs will pay for your Viagra, but they won't pay for your glasses. So you can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.

• Tom Dobbs : Why would security guards pad down an 85-year-old lady with a walker? If *she's* a terrorist... well, then the ball game's over, folks.

• Tom Dobbs : Do you want to know my history? Basically, when I was a young boy I used to look at pictures of naked ladies, hence my right hand is very strong. I touched myself more than a third base coach.

• Tom Dobbs : If you tell a joke - and it stinks - but you put a laugh track over it - the joke still stinks.

• Tom Dobbs : You can't spend 200 million dollars on a campaign and not be owing people something. And the next thing you know they have to deal with the special interests, and the next thing you know they're doing special favors for special people and not dealing with what you need: education, healthcare, environmental issues. They have to deal with oil companies, chemical companies, drug companies, and they owe them. And in the process, people get neglected. The poor - have no advocate, because the poor can't afford a lobbyist. The Statue of Liberty says, "Give me your tired, your poor," not "your wealthy, your gifted and your endowed. "

• Tom Dobbs : We deal in weapons of mass distraction. They push your buttons. That's how they do it. He's talking about hydrogen fuel. He wants an amendment to the Constitution on flag-burning. It's an emotional issue! They're talking about the desecration of the flag, but if you go online right now, you can buy flag underwear! You can see an old lady basically wearing a flag thong and go, "Oh, Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is!" It's all about distractions!

• Tom Dobbs : Why *vote* for Congressmen or Senators? Why don't we just pick those guys the same way we pick a jury? At least we'll get a much more interesting cross-section.

• Tom Dobbs : Freedom of religion means practicing any religion you want, anytime and anywhere you want. Like being a Jewish Buddhist: all you do is sit and wait for stuff to go on sale.

• Tom Dobbs : Even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy. Remember those two Jewish commandos who were sent to kill Hitler at 12:30? They waited in an alley with guns, bombs and knives... only Hitler didn't show up. After half an hour came and went, still no Hitler. Finally, one Jew turns to the other and says, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him."

• Alison McAndrews : Both of the candidates you're running against are happily married, with kids. You're divorced and have no children. So how are *you* gonna come off as family-friendly?

  Tom Dobbs : Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.

• Tom Dobbs : There are roughly 8 thousand slots to be filled, 15 hundred of which will require Senate confirmation. Do we *know* that many incompetent people, outside of Los Angeles?

• Tom Dobbs : The president wants to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Anybody who's been married knows it's always the same sex!

• Jack Menken : It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall but shows up and plays the violin. It's not what they go to see.

  Tom Dobbs : How many analogies do you have left?

  Jack Menken : How many does it take to make my point?

• Eddie Langston : These people have things to do.

  Tom Dobbs : Like?

  Eddie Langston : Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with. They've got trips the lobbyists have sent them on. They've gotta go do TV shows to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there.

  Tom Dobbs : This makes golf look like porn.

• Tom Dobbs : If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they both would be alive today. I'm sorry. This is a man who's so sensitive. Someone once asked, "What do I think of gay marriage?" And he said, "I think gays have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us."

• Tom Dobbs : [to group of reporters]  Yes, I did inhale because I thought 'What the hell, it's lit, it's in my hand, I'll inhale it.'

• Tom Dobbs : People say Intelligent Design, we must teach Intelligent Design. Look at the human body, is that intelligent? You have a waste processing plant next to a recreation area.

• Tom Dobbs : The government said recently that we're cutting back spending, yet NASA blew $28 million to develop a fountain pen that writes upside down in zero gravity. The Russians solved the same problem with a 5-cent pencil... and after two cases of vodka, it's still writing.

  [laughter] 

  Tom Dobbs : If you have GPS, be very careful. I bought a Mercedes recently with talking GPS. I opened the door and my car went, "Are you Jewish?"

  [more laughter] 

  Tom Dobbs : Soon, all of your appliances will speak to each other. You'll get on the scale and it'll go, "I've talked to the microwave; forget it, pal."

  [more laughter] 

• Tom Dobbs : [to a group of reporters]  When I was 21, I went to a prostitute and I was so bad, she had to give me a refund.

• Tom Dobbs : [on his decision to run for President of the US]  I'm fed up with party politics, tired of the whole Republicans versus Democrats thing. Because there's no real difference; they're all Mr. Potato-Head candidates. Basically, the operative word is party. Behind closed doors, they just have a good time. What do you think the Secretary of Defense means when he says, "I think there's an open bar somewhere"?

• Tom Dobbs : [on the environment]  The best thing about ethanol, or alcohol-based fuel, is that it provides you with a fresh alibi. If you get pulled over by the cops, you can just say, "My car's been drinking, not me!"... If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll catch two-headed bass. They're good eating once you get past the tumors.

• Tom Dobbs : A woman can be obsessed with a movie star like Brad Pitt - hello! - and you could say Angelina. I could be obsessed with Angelina. I just want to wet her lips and stick her to something.

• Tom Dobbs : I guess if I was in Italy I might get lucky. I mean, they elected an Italian porn star to their Senate. Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there - just great posters and incredible downloads.

• Tom Dobbs : [just minutes before his nationally-televised Presidential debate]  I need a wife to be my escort for the debate. We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing ostentatious. Helicopter pad in the back yard, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60... Am I nervous? Well, why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?

• Tom Dobbs : It was a computer error. Not fraud. But, a faulty program. HAL decided it liked me.

• [from trailer] 

  Tom Dobbs : [at a presidental debate]  Mr. Kellogg, wants an amendment against same sex marriage! Anybody who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!

• Senator Mills : I support hydrogen cars...

  Tom Dobbs : That's weird, because you're backed by oil companies.

• Tom Dobbs : And here's our first contestant, Your name please? / Yes my name is Rachel Tensions.

  [laughing] 

  Tom Dobbs : / Yes indeed dear, contestant number two your name? / My name is Miss Ogyny, Yes I thought he was really hot but then when I found out about his radical environmental policy I went Ump-mm, I like a dirty environment if you know what I mean, I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wet lands and drill.

  [laughing] 

  Tom Dobbs : Deep drill you know what I'm saying, get down in the mud and take it home daddy that's all.

• Jack Menken : Everyone's going to be writing about how honest you are and how straightforward you are. I just hope your honesty doesn't undercut your irreverence.

  Tom Dobbs : Well I want to do a show about gay farmers and call it "Crop Suckers", is that offensive?

  Jack Menken : Not for me.

• Tom Dobbs : [to reporters]  No, I did not sleep with that woman... but I wanted to!

• Jack Menken : Look at it this way - who would you rather have dinner with, Richard Pryor in his prime, or Kofi Annan, the head of the UN? Tell me which dinner is going to be more interesting.

  Tom Dobbs : If there's no candles, Richard. But, I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?" "What?" "Coffee, Kofi?" "Kofi, coffee?"

• Tom Dobbs : I was always hoping for a Brazilian Pope - Pope Raul - just so we could have nuns in thongs and feathers. That would bring a lot of people back to the Church.

• Tom Dobbs : [paying an impromptu visit to Congress]  I'll try and be brief, because I know this is the Senate's bingo day... This is not official; it's just our little secret between you, me and the world media.

• Tom Dobbs : My manager's only annoying when he's happy. It's an old Irish tradition... I've played in clubs for years; I've had to deal with drunks, hecklers and angry waitresses - including my ex-wife, who was all three.

• Tom Dobbs : You never know with females. I had an ex who used to do enough tranquillizers to put a small flock of sheep to sleep.

  Eddie Langston : Why?

  Tom Dobbs : Oh, she said it made the sex with me more bearable.

• Tom Dobbs : I always loved those buckled shoes from Colonial days; they're part pimp, part pilgrim. Right after you get off the Mayflower, you can have four girls in a Cadillac.

• Jack Menken : I don't care what you say, but say it with some humor. These crowds expect it. You give speech after speech, nothing's funny!

  Tom Dobbs : They'll get funny when I'm back on the show after the hiatus.

  Jack Menken : It's too dry!

  Tom Dobbs : Oh, come on, I came on the campaign to talk about issues.

  Jack Menken : There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.

  Tom Dobbs : Remember the motto "It's no joke?" It's no joke!

• Tom Dobbs : Senator, I think the public is pretty frustrated with the polarization of the parties and lack of accountability. It's crazy. A woman tonight said I should run for President. Maybe I should.

• Tom Dobbs : When was the last time *any* human being, *any* American, watched the debate and went: "Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"

  Tom Dobbs : "I believe he talked about fiscal policy."

  Eddie Langston : "Oh, my God! My eyes are open and I can hear again!"

  Tom Dobbs : Yeah, you're right. All they remember is Nixon sweating like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal.

• Tom Dobbs : You wanna get married? I need a wife before the debate. Interested?

  Make-Up Artist : Uh, I don't know, Mr. Dobbs.

  Tom Dobbs : We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing ostentatious. Helicopter pad in the back, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60. Come on.

  Make-Up Artist : Are you nervous?

  Tom Dobbs : Why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?

• Tom Dobbs : Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced they are replacing air bags in their new sedans with breast implants. The number of rear-end collisions has increased 95% in Sweden. A lot of guys just like to bump their car and see what happens.

• Tom Dobbs : If you're in bed with oil companies, how you can you be talking about fuel efficiency? I mean, that's like being a kosher pig farmer.

• Tom Dobbs : When they start to put on that rubber glove and look at me, I'm going, "Okay, maybe we should have dinner first before we do this."

• Tom Dobbs : Forget trying to be presidential. You end up looking like them - another stiff in a suit. I gotta play my game. They thought I was wild in the debate? Watch me in the next two weeks.

• Tom Dobbs : That's why we're here - because you want change! Yeah! You wanna shake it up! You have to be eyes wide open, ready to move on! Arm in arm! Hand in hand! Everybody together, moving forward. Because the future is now!

• Tom Dobbs : They always attack environmentalists, saying, "You're a tree-hugger!" I go, "No, I've done more than hug a tree. If you find the right knotty pine, you're gonna have a good night. Oh, yeah, who's your woodsman? Who's your woodsman?"

• Tom Dobbs : Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for the campaign. It's gonna be a whole new ball game, so brace yourselves, people.

• Eddie Langston : You sure you don't want one of us to drive? It's eight hours back to Chicago.

  Tom Dobbs : No, I just wanna be alone for eight hours with my Barry White tapes.

• Tom Dobbs : Historians have written that our founding fathers were brilliant and courageous men, but they sometimes made difficult decisions, sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation. What will they think about us 200-and-some years from now? What will they write about this Congress? Will they say that you're brave and brilliant? Courageous? Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs? We have a lot to live up to. I think we can do it. I know we can do it.

• Tom Dobbs : I was thinking Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.

• Tom Dobbs : We're on our way to Washington and wish us good luck. It's gonna be an adventure.

• Tom Dobbs : My Cabinet will be diverse. It will include both Republicans and Democrats and people of no party affiliation. And I want diversity. I believe democracy is a collision of ideas. I'm not of the school that if you're not for us you're against us. That being said, if I had my druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian Cabinet. They may not accomplish more but it'd be fun to think about what they're doing behind closed doors.

• Eddie Langston : If she's not psychotic, she's a stalker, and if she's not a stalker she's a CIA operative. Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus.

  Tom Dobbs : What's that?

  Eddie Langston : A succubus is some sort of a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men. I was once a healthy man.

• Tom Dobbs : It's kind of improbable, me winning the election.

  Jack Menken : Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible." We are, my friend, in uncharted waters.

• Tom Dobbs : What do I do?

  Jack Menken : Go be Presidential.

• Tom Dobbs : The last few years we've been divided. Red states, blue states. There are no red and blue states, there's only the United States of America. That's what we're about.

• Tom Dobbs : Saturday Night Live wants you for "Weekend Update". What do you think? ...

  Jack Menken : Did I hear "Saturday Night Live"?

  Tom Dobbs : Yeah.

  Jack Menken : Do it.

  Tom Dobbs : Why?

  Eddie Langston : Because it's a great opportunity. You can talk about how you were blinded by love, you didn't know she was secretly poppin' pills. It isn't like you were in some side street gettin' head like, uh, Hugh, uh, whatshisname.

  Tom Dobbs : You're so sensitive.

• Tom Dobbs : I'm not even President of the United States yet, and I'm involved in a scandal with a woman. I did not have sex with that woman. I wanted to. I'm single. And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is probably - the unluckiest man in the world in that area.

• Amy Poehler : We just usually do fake news and jokes. We don't usually have - real news and - nonjokes.

  Tom Dobbs : So, watch out Oprah! 'Cause we gonna go real, girl.

• Tom Dobbs : That's not a stage I belong on. This is were I belong, with folks like you, finding the funk in dysfunctional.

• Tom Dobbs : For those of you who are actually thinking of getting breast implants, there's something new I want you to try. A lot of people, they get the large ones. Those are lovely. Do something new for your boyfriend. Put in a little squeak toy.

• Tom Dobbs : Mark Twain said irreverence is basically the champion of liberty, if not its only defender. That's why we're there. We're there to kind of shake it up. And that's what we've gotta do.

• Tom Dobbs : Do you realize that 40% of American high-school graduates think that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife?

• Tom Dobbs : In a democracy, we can have a sense of humor about ourselves. We have to. You're allowed to make fun of those in power. But even in the face of tyranny there is comedy. Two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler...

• Tom Dobbs : You could say obsessed with rock 'n' roll stars - you know, it's like women rushing the stage, fainting, for Elvis, for the Beatles, for Mick Jagger, just to say, "This is your baby!" But women don't rush the stage for comedians. I mean, they basically - if they throw their panties on stage for me, it's because they want them fluffed, folded and back by Friday.

  Tina Fey : I threw my underpants at Britney Spears once - 'cause I thought she needed a pair.

  Tom Dobbs : God bless. I thought you were going to say she threw it at Paris Hilton and they stuck. That's from our new book, "One Night in Paris."

  Amy Poehler : That's a good re-write.

  Tom Dobbs : But, I mean, for me here's the basic thing. How plausible is it that a woman would fix an election because she's obsessed with me? I mean, where's the hanging chad? Where's the Governor of the state being your brother? Where's the Supreme Court ruling against the voter? Come on, where's the conspiracy in that? None, really. And here's the real question you have to ask: it's like, if that's not why, what is the real answer? What is the real answer?

  Amy Poehler : What is the real answer?