Da Kath & Kim Code (2005 TV Movie)

Barry Humphries: John Monk

Quotes 

• Kath Day Knight : Can you hear someone outside, Kel?

  [dramatic choral music plays] 

  Kath Day Knight : It's the albino, Kel! It's John Monk! What's he doing here? He's coming inside!

  Kel Knight : Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

  Kath Day Knight : What?

  Kel Knight : The code, Kath. I've just realised. All the signs were there. I've cracked it, Kath!

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah, I think I have to, Kel!

  Kel Knight : No, I've cracked the code. The Da Vinci Code. Listen, it's like a puzzle. First, there was the car that nearly ran over me. Then there was the slashed painting.

  Kath Day Knight : And our names, Kel. I've always thought. Kel Knight, Knight's Templar. And Kath Day - Opus Dei.

  Kel Knight : And now John Monk has come here to kill us, just like in the end of "The Da Vinci Code".

  Kath Day Knight : Is that what happened in the end? Because I didn't finish it! I lost interest! Oh, no!

  [screams] 

  John Monk : Have you cracked the code yet?

  Kel Knight : Yes. And you're going to kill us!

  John Monk : No, no. I'm not. You haven't read the clues properly. You haven't worked it out, have ya? Where is that painting?

  Kath Day Knight : The painting? It's there.

• Kel Knight : So each number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet?

  Kath Day Knight : And it spells out the magic word: "Franchisee"? Well, what does that mean?

  John Monk : It means that I want to offer you and Kel the Da Vinci Code Tour franchise.

• Kel Knight : So John, why are you selling the franchise?

  John Monk : It's hair dressers orders, really. I'm not really an albino.

  Kel Knight , Kath Day Knight : Oh.

  John Monk : [chuckles]  No, this is peroxide.

  Kel Knight , Kath Day Knight : Oh.

  John Monk : Amazing, isn't it? Vidal says that if I'm not careful, this, this could turn into one great big dried-up frizzy old perm.

  Kath Day Knight : Oh, that'd be awful wouldn't it? You wouldn't want one of those. Anyway, John, would you like to stay for tea?

  John Monk : Well, what is it?

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah? Oh, we're just going to have some seafood, some left over seafood.

  John Monk : Australian seafood. Very nice.

  Kath Day Knight : Yeah, I've got a nice piece of extender there, haven't I? And we've got the Chicken Tonight, that we didn't have today, that we can have tonight.

• Kel Knight : So, John, what do you think of Australia?

  Kath Day Knight : Oh, yes! Tell us. Be honest, be honest.

  Kim Day Craig : It's the best place in the world, isn't it?

  John Monk : Well to be perfectly frank with you, I was a little disappointed in Edithvale, and Aspendale and, to some extent, Mordialloc. But once I got past Parkdale and into the Golden Mile, oh, I was blown away.

  Kim Day Craig : Oh, yeah.

  John Monk : I mean, with IKEA on one side, and Ray's Tent City ad Barbecues Galore on the other, it doesn't get much better than that.

  Kim Day Craig : No, it's fantastic.

  Kath Day Knight : It doesn't, indeed.

• John Monk : Oh, this chicken is rubbery.

  Kath Day Knight : [In mock Japanese accent]  Thank you, John-san. Thank you vely mush.

  John Monk : No, I mean it. It really is rubbery!

  Kath Day Knight : Oh no! They're not chicken breasts. They're mine! They're my chicken fillet falsies!